The story of a bored programmer...



  • There was this guy that worked as a programmer. He also worked as Tech Support, on-site Installation, networking and joggling. He claimed he couldn't see where the company was heading, but he knew exactly what was going on. Wanting to help his boss, he decided to try and create a personal relationship between man and machine (their customers and their software).

    As he was documenting legacy code one day, his phone rang. It was a client wishing it was Christmas again: they wanted to have the possibility of checking how much work a person has done per day, based on their Internet access. "But our application was never intended to make such reports" the programmer thought and replied "There should be such a thing, but I don't know it off the top of my head now. Please let me consult the advanced system's manual. I'll get back to you soon."

    So he hacked the customer's report into the application on a custom branch and sent it to them by using "Push updates" and told the customer that his software can do that, but he needs to pay a small license fee and restart the machine to activate it. The client didn't know how to perform the payment and was obviously dumb as a rock, so the programmer just instructed him to wire the money to the company and send an email to the C.E.O. with the subject containing the name of the feature and the body complimenting the programmer for implementing such a feature.

    This went on and on with many customers and each and every one of them was extremely happy to stumble upon another idea added to the application as a bonus from the programmer, it went on for many days, until the company got enough money to get back on track.

    The C.E.O. gave the programmer a raise after being revealed with the plan and was made to believe the customers that every day was like Christmas. Everything was going just fine! The main branch was packed with bug fixes patching the horrible code left behind by the previous person to believe they could do something for this company, while the other branches were blossoming with shiny new features...

    Until one day, a customer sent a complaint message and it was the first one they got in weeks! He sent the money for a license to a feature, he rebooted the machine, but he couldn't see the feature anywhere and he even paid twice for it! This was bad and unacceptable, they had to find out what was going on before everything so they dug through the emails confirming payments and found the features they requested, looked it up the CVS history - nothing - looked it up in other emails - nothing - looked it up on any other assigned tasks - nothing - looked it up on all sticky notes - nothing - and this could only mean one thing: the customer is lying.

    Before making any accusations, they decided to test him and sent an email: "We are not familiar with your features. When did you originally request them?" and found themselves horrified when the reply came in: "When I sent the confirmation emails. I paid, I told you what I wanted in the email, rebooted the machine and looked it up in the menu. It's not there, I tell 'ya!" Turned out, for a few days to come, they kept getting more and more complaints like that from many customers, so they decided to put a stop to it. They already had five other employees and, even with the new flow of cash coming in, they couldn't afford to hire any more and they decided to send a clarrifying newsletter to all the customers, telling them to stop, think and let them know what their wish was and only to send money when they requested it.

    Some of their customers woke up and realized they had thought that the product our programmer was working at didn't have the ability to fulfill wishes... some didn't and insisted that it worked before.

     

    Mod: paragraphs added for your, but mostly, our, convenience.
    - dh



  •  ouch.  Ouch.  OUCH.  Too much text.  Brain just blue-screened.



  • Once upon a time, a hungry bear saw Rohypnol and decided to eat him, but the bear choked on a wall of text and now we have to suffer through Rohypnol's posts.



  •  I got five words into this and gave up.



  •  One word for you:

     

    ->>>>>>> PARAGRAPHS <<<<<<<-

     



  • Mod: detard removed. That's so unnecessary. anymore. [wink smiley]
    - dh



  •  Um, shouldn't you negotiate a price for the new feature before implementing it?



  • Thankyou for converting it to paragraphs.  I didn't even read the original post but just scrolled down to find the updated version.



  • @bstorer said:

    <font size="1">DETARDIFIED VERSION:</font>

     

    Sorry, I was too intoxicated when I posted that one. It's what happened, except that it didn't happen in such long sentences... if that makes any sense.

     

    Mod: killed egregious font size.
    - dh



  • @rohypnol said:

    Sorry, I was too intoxicated when I posted that one.

    So... how's the hangover?



  • @Zagyg said:

    @rohypnol said:
    Sorry, I was too intoxicated when I posted that one.

    So... how's the hangover?
     

    I never said I drank anything...



  • @rohypnol said:

    I never said I drank anything...

    Good point! So... how was the... come-down ?



  • @Zagyg said:

    @rohypnol said:
    I never said I drank anything...

    Good point! So... how was the... come-down ?
     

    Almost broke my neck :(



  • @rohypnol said:

    @Zagyg said:

    @rohypnol said:
    I never said I drank anything...

    Good point! So... how was the... come-down ?
     

    Almost broke my neck :(

    Don't do that.  Otherwise, we'll have one less quality contributor around here.



  • @tgape said:

    @rohypnol said:

    @Zagyg said:

    @rohypnol said:
    I never said I drank anything...

    Good point! So... how was the... come-down ?
     

    Almost broke my neck :(

    Don't do that.  Otherwise, we'll have one less quality contributor around here.

    Why are you shamelessly kissing his ass?  He isn't important.  He can't do anything for you.  He can't do anything for anyone.




  • @morbiuswilters said:

    @tgape said:

    @rohypnol said:

    @Zagyg said:

    @rohypnol said:
    I never said I drank anything...

    Good point! So... how was the... come-down ?
     

    Almost broke my neck :(

    Don't do that.  Otherwise, we'll have one less quality contributor around here.

    Why are you shamelessly kissing his ass?  He isn't important.  He can't do anything for you.  He can't do anything for anyone.

     

    I can make you disappear in the corn field.



  • @morbiuswilters said:

    Why are you shamelessly kissing his ass?

    That's not kissing his ass.  It's called a compliment.  I did it because he's more entertaining than you are: he tells stories; you mostly make lame comments about how people who aren't Americans act differently from Americans, including spelling things differently and using different units.



  • @tgape said:

    That's not kissing his ass.  It's called a compliment.  I did it because he's more entertaining than you are: he tells stories; you mostly make lame comments about how people who aren't Americans act differently from Americans, including spelling things differently and using different units.
     

    That's really sad (and hilarious) when 

     @tgape said:

    he tells stories

    Is considered more entertaining than morb.



  • @TheTXI said:

    @tgape said:
    That's not kissing his ass.  It's called a compliment.  I did it because he's more entertaining than you are: he tells stories; you mostly make lame comments about how people who aren't Americans act differently from Americans, including spelling things differently and using different units.
    That's really sad (and hilarious) when  @tgape said:
    he tells stories
    Is considered more entertaining than morb.
    You find morb entertaining? Wait... morbius is that you?



  • @rohypnol said:

    he decided to try and create a personal relationship between man and machine

    Dude, "Weird Science" was just a film, you know?

    [inb4: No I was thinking of "Demon Seed"] 




  • @DaveK said:

    @rohypnol said:

    he decided to try and create a personal relationship between man and machine

    Dude, "Weird Science" was just a film, you know?

    [inb4: No I was thinking of "Demon Seed"] 

     

    Never heard of it. Is it worth watching?



  • So, Bobby Ewing didn't die in the end ya?



  • @tgape said:

    That's not kissing his ass.  It's called a compliment.

    Same thing.  If you're going to lose all dignity by publicly fellating someone, try to get something out of it.

     

    @tgape said:

    I did it because he's more entertaining than you are: he tells stories; you mostly make lame comments about how people who aren't Americans act differently from Americans, including spelling things differently and using different units.

    I also make fun of minorities, fat people and the poor.



  • @DOA said:

    @TheTXI said:

    @tgape said:
    That's not kissing his ass.  It's called a compliment.  I did it because he's more entertaining than you are: he tells stories; you mostly make lame comments about how people who aren't Americans act differently from Americans, including spelling things differently and using different units.
    That's really sad (and hilarious) when  @tgape said:
    he tells stories
    Is considered more entertaining than morb.
    You find morb entertaining? Wait... morbius is that you?

    Seeing as I wasn't reciting a Larry the Cable Guy routine, dragging a homosexual man to his death behind my pickup or reprising a Burt Reynolds role, I doubt the West Virginian found me entertaining.



  • @morbiuswilters said:

    Same thing. If you're going to lose all dignity by publicly fellating someone, try to get something out of it.
    Fellation is its own reward. As is the continued posting of Great Walls of China Text.


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