Halloween candy - wife wtf



  • So the kids have done their trick-or-treating, and brought home about twenty pounds of assorted chocolates. The wife lets them each take a handful or two, and makes me take the rest to the office so it's out of the house so she doesn't get tempted to pig out. I'm on the bus this morning, loaded down with a large bag-o-candy when she calls me on the cell phone: don't give it all away, I have a craving - bring it home tonight.

    Um, if I bring it home, then I'm a) simultaneously listening and not listening to her and b) enabling her to pig out and get fat; if I don't bring it home, I'm not listening to her.

    Anyone got a spare room?

     



  • @snoofle said:

    So the kids have done their trick-or-treating, and brought home about twenty pounds of assorted chocolates. The wife lets them each take a handful or two, and makes me take the rest to the office so it's out of the house so she doesn't get tempted to pig out. I'm on the bus this morning, loaded down with a large bag-o-candy when she calls me on the cell phone: don't give it all away, I have a craving - bring it home tonight.

    Um, if I bring it home, then I'm a) simultaneously listening and not listening to her and b) enabling her to pig out and get fat; if I don't bring it home, I'm not listening to her.

    Anyone got a spare room?

    This is one of those tests women concoct to torture men.   There is no right answer, only pain and suffering.



  • Are you gonna take that crap from her?  Tell her to buy her own effing candy and to quit bothering you with this nonsense. 

    Then every morning, look her over and say, "wow, you must have eaten a lot of candy yesterday!"

     

    Perhaps I should start a marital advice column...
     



  • @shadowman said:

    Then every morning, look her over and say, "wow, you must have eaten a lot of candy yesterday!"

    Perhaps I should start a marital advice column...
     

     

    I appreciate the jokes :)  In reality I would have gotten a pop in the face for saying that !



  • @shadowman said:

    Are you gonna take that crap from her?  Tell her to buy her own effing candy and to quit bothering you with this nonsense. 

    Then every morning, look her over and say, "wow, you must have eaten a lot of candy yesterday!"

     
    Perhaps I should start a marital advice column...

    Be warned!  Laughing at this post in the presence of a woman will get you hurt.  This is a public service announcement paid for by the Ad Council. 



  • Have a backbone. You're not her trained monkey. She jerks your chain because you let her. How does THAT foster respect?



  • Just tell her you gave it to some poor kid on the bus who had been too sick to go trick-or-treating last night.  Bonus points if you actually find a kid on the bus to give it to.



  • @campkev said:

    Just tell her you gave it to some poor kid on the bus who had been too sick to go trick-or-treating last night.  Bonus points if you actually find a kid on the bus to give it to.

    That's freaking brilliant.   Do you have a newsletter to which I could subscribe?



  • Be a smart man. Give the candy away but on your way home buy your wife something really exclusive and tasty, like a small box of assorted candies(not a lot just something to get over the craving) and flowers ;). If you are cheap then a small amount of the same candy ("I could not let others starve could I?" or the sick kid thing) and flowers will do.

    P.S - picking up some fruits for the kiddies can be a good idea too;)

    ;) 



  • @death said:

    Be a smart man. Give the candy away but on your way home buy your wife something really exclusive and tasty, like a small box of assorted candies(not a lot just something to get over the craving) and flowers ;). If you are cheap then a small amount of the same candy ("I could not let others starve could I?" or the sick kid thing) and flowers will do.

    P.S - picking up some fruits for the kiddies can be a good idea too;)

    ;) 

     I figured The Reaper would be the last person to give [i]good[/i] advice in a relationship issue, but yeah.  His suggestion is definitely something I'd never do, so given my track record with women, that probably means it's a good idea.



  • @snoofle said:

    I'm simultaneously listening and not listening to her

    It's Schrodinger's Wife.
     



  • Tell her you donated it to starving children in Nairobi.



  • @snoofle said:

    I have a craving

     

     

    It's not the candy - she's trying to tell you something. 



  • @snoofle said:

    So the kids have done their trick-or-treating, and brought home about twenty pounds of assorted chocolates. The wife lets them each take a handful or two, and makes me take the rest to the office so it's out of the house so she doesn't get tempted to pig out. I'm on the bus this morning, loaded down with a large bag-o-candy when she calls me on the cell phone: don't give it all away, I have a craving - bring it home tonight.

    Um, if I bring it home, then I'm a) simultaneously listening and not listening to her and b) enabling her to pig out and get fat; if I don't bring it home, I'm not listening to her.

    Anyone got a spare room?

     

    By flowers, and don't bring candies, or maybe just bring one :D 



  • @Alistair Wall said:

    @snoofle said:

    I have a craving

    It's not the candy - she's trying to tell you something. 

    Trust me - it's the candy. I already gave the chocolate away (the women in the office attacked it like starving vultures). I'll probably bring home one of those 5 pound hershey kisses - good enough to qualify as chocolate, but impossible to eat.



  • save some for her but then have her sign a waiver that you abdicate any and all responsibility for her indecisiveness and inability to control chocolate cravings.



  • @bstorer said:

    @snoofle said:

    So the kids have done
    their trick-or-treating, and brought home about twenty pounds of
    assorted chocolates. The wife lets them each take a handful or two, and
    makes me take the rest to the office so it's out of the house so she doesn't
    get tempted to pig out. I'm on the bus this morning, loaded down with a
    large bag-o-candy when she calls me on the cell phone: don't give it
    all away, I have a craving - bring it home tonight.

    Um, if I bring it home, then I'm a) simultaneously listening and not listening to her and b) enabling her to pig out and get fat; if I don't bring it home, I'm not listening to her.

    Anyone got a spare room?

    This is one of those tests women concoct to torture men.   There is no right answer, only pain and suffering.

    Oh, I dunno....

    @Woman said:

    Do these pants make my bum look big?

    @Man said:

    Hell no.  It's all the fat and cellulite that makes your bum look big.  Because it IS big.

    I think that qualifies as the right answer *and* pain and suffering!




  • @dhromed said:

    @snoofle said:

    I'm simultaneously listening and not listening to her

    It's Schrodinger's Wife.
     

    Im in ur personal life

    givin u no chance 2 survive make ur time 



  • @bstorer said:

    @campkev said:

    Just tell her you gave it to some poor kid on the bus who had been too sick to go trick-or-treating last night.  Bonus points if you actually find a kid on the bus to give it to.

    That's freaking brilliant.   Do you have a newsletter to which I could subscribe?

    Better yet give it to a homeless person...if you're particulary crafty slash sick-in-the-head you can try to barter the candy for his jacket.



  • @snoofle said:

    So the kids have done their trick-or-treating, and brought home about twenty pounds of assorted chocolates. The wife lets them each take a handful or two, and makes me take the rest to the office so it's out of the house so she doesn't get tempted to pig out. I'm on the bus this morning, loaded down with a large bag-o-candy when she calls me on the cell phone: don't give it all away, I have a craving - bring it home tonight.

    Um, if I bring it home, then I'm a) simultaneously listening and not listening to her and b) enabling her to pig out and get fat; if I don't bring it home, I'm not listening to her.

    Anyone got a spare room?

    Replace the chocolates with sugar free chocolate and hope she doesn't notice the warning on the label....

     

    Warning! May have a laxative effect.

     And nevermind that they have more fat, more calories, and almost the same number of carbs per serving of regular chocolate.  Sugar free means they are healthier right?



  • @dhromed said:

    @snoofle said:

    I'm simultaneously listening and not listening to her

    It's Schrodinger's Wife.
     

     

    Best... comment... EVER. I shall post it to my e-blog immediately! 



  • @dhromed said:

    @snoofle said:

    I'm simultaneously listening and not listening to her

    It's Schrodinger's Wife.
     

    BRILLIANT :)



  • @dphunct said:

    And nevermind that they have more fat, more calories, and almost the same number of carbs per serving of regular chocolate.  Sugar free means they are healthier right?
    it appears they are targeting diabetics, so the concern is the blood sugar, not the carb intake.



  • Women don't know what they want. Chocolate cravings come from endorphins, the chemical your brain uses to make you happy. Sex releases over 300% more endorphins than chocolate. Get to work!



  • @Sunstorm said:

    Women don't know what they want. Chocolate cravings come from endorphins, the chemical your brain uses to make you happy. Sex releases over 300% more endorphins than chocolate. Get to work!

     So you're telling me since chocolate cravings come from endorphins, I should have sex so that she'll want more chocolate ?



  • While the suggestion about the flowers + good candy is one I wish I've thought of...

    Take the spare room if one is offered.



  • @pitchingchris said:

    @Sunstorm said:

    Women don't know what they want. Chocolate cravings come from endorphins, the chemical your brain uses to make you happy. Sex releases over 300% more endorphins than chocolate. Get to work!

     So you're telling me since chocolate cravings come from endorphins, I should have sex so that she'll want more chocolate ?

    Which in turn means more sex. I fail to see the flaw in this plan.



  • @Sunstorm said:

    @pitchingchris said:

    @Sunstorm said:

    Women don't know what they want. Chocolate cravings come from endorphins, the chemical your brain uses to make you happy. Sex releases over 300% more endorphins than chocolate. Get to work!

     So you're telling me since chocolate cravings come from endorphins, I should have sex so that she'll want more chocolate ?

    Which in turn means more sex. I fail to see the flaw in this plan.

    Clearly you aren't married. 



  • @bstorer said:

    Clearly you aren't married. 

    Quoted for truth. 



  • @pyro789x said:

    Best... comment... EVER. I shall post it to my e-blog immediately! 

    Well, that's a new one...

    Shorten weblog to blog then add an 'e' to it to make it sound modern.  I wonder how long before apple patents the iBlog... 



  • @d3matt said:

    @pyro789x said:
    Best... comment... EVER. I shall post it to my e-blog immediately! 
    Well, that's a new one...

    Shorten weblog to blog then add an 'e' to it to make it sound modern.  I wonder how long before apple patents the iBlog... 

    I'm ready for a future when we're all using welbogs.



  • @d3matt said:

    @pyro789x said:

    Best... comment... EVER. I shall post it to my e-blog immediately! 

    Well, that's a new one...

    Shorten weblog to blog then add an 'e' to it to make it sound modern.  I wonder how long before apple patents the iBlog... 

    my term of choice is the blagoblag



  • @misguided said:

    @d3matt said:

    @pyro789x said:

    Best... comment... EVER. I shall post it to my e-blog immediately!

    Well, that's a new one...

    Shorten weblog to blog then add an 'e' to it to make it sound modern.  I wonder how long before apple patents the iBlog...

    my term of choice is the blagoblag.

    Okay, you know what?  I love xkcd, but can we just put a moratorium on posting comics/links to the comics?  Everybody here should already be reading it.



  • @bstorer said:

    @Sunstorm said:
    @pitchingchris said:

    @Sunstorm said:

    Women don't know what they want. Chocolate cravings come from endorphins, the chemical your brain uses to make you happy. Sex releases over 300% more endorphins than chocolate. Get to work!

     So you're telling me since chocolate cravings come from endorphins, I should have sex so that she'll want more chocolate ?

    Which in turn means more sex. I fail to see the flaw in this plan.

    Clearly you aren't married. 

    I fail to see the flaw in that plan either.



  • @Sunstorm said:

    I fail to see the flaw in that plan either.

    Quoted for truth.



  • @lanzz said:

    @dphunct said:
    And nevermind that they have more fat, more calories, and almost the same number of carbs per serving of regular chocolate. Sugar free means they are healthier right?
    it appears they are targeting diabetics, so the concern is the blood sugar, not the carb intake.

    diabetics care about carb intake, not sugar. they "think" they are targeting diabetics.



  • @dphunct said:

    @lanzz said:
    @dphunct said:
    And nevermind that they have more fat, more calories, and almost the same number of carbs per serving of regular chocolate. Sugar free means they are healthier right?
    it appears they are targeting diabetics, so the concern is the blood sugar, not the carb intake.

    diabetics care about carb intake, not sugar. they "think" they are targeting diabetics.

    The "may have laxative effect" sweeteners are sugar alcohols. These are not absorbed as readily by the small intestines, and thus have a less dramatic effect on immediate blood sugar levels. Which is what diabetics actually care about, rather than either sugar intake as such or carb intake.

    P.S. I don't know what "more fat, more calories, almost the same number of carbs" stuff you're talking about, either, but it's certainly not the sorbitol/etc stuff that "may have laxative effect"



  • @vt_mruhlin said:

    @death said:

    Be a smart man. Give the candy away but on your way home buy your wife something really exclusive and tasty, like a small box of assorted candies(not a lot just something to get over the craving) and flowers ;). If you are cheap then a small amount of the same candy ("I could not let others starve could I?" or the sick kid thing) and flowers will do.

    P.S - picking up some fruits for the kiddies can be a good idea too;)

    ;) 

     I figured The Reaper would be the last person to give [i]good[/i] advice in a relationship issue, but yeah.  His Her suggestion is definitely something I'd never do, so given my track record with women, that probably means it's a good idea.

    :D I have inside info on women. 



  • There is a simple answer:

    Don't bring it home, and then tell her how much you care about her enough not to make her fat because you know that she will feel bad afterwards. You can turn a disaster into sex in no time if done right. (But always saver her favorite one because "you just love seeing her happy")... It has never failed me yet :)


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