BEST OF Steam user-submitted reviews



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  • Winner of the 2016 Presidential Election


    My crew attempted a mutiny, upset and frightened from being out at sea for too long. When their mutiny failed, I sailed them back to London. Once home was in sight, and they gathered at the rails to sing praise, I promptly turned the ship around and sailed it in a circle. And then another circle, this one wider. Then, a third circle, this one smaller.

    No one commits mutiny on my vessel.

    Time moved swiftly as the circles continued. My crew only had a faint understanding of what punishments were in store for them as I spent the night in my cabin, fornicating with our surgeon. Around and around and around we sailed.

    It soon dawned on them what was happening when the nightmares came, when the food and supplies began running low. Once the food was gone, the madness came quick; the frightened tears, quicker. One member wanted to kill herself, but I wouldn't allow it. Another begged me to stop the endless circles, so I sailed them faster, sloppier. Once, I sailed close to a zee-beast. It swam away, wanting no part in the theatre of suffering I was producing. An entire meal, the crew's last hope of staving off death by starvation, had gone. Only the circles remained.

    If they wanted to live, they had to eat. Keeping their humanity was no longer an option. They knew what little choice they had, and what little they could do to control it. Out of food, cannibalism quickly took hold on the decks. Crew members butchered and ate each other after yet another failed mutiny. And back in my cabin, all I could do was muse with my sultry lady in lilac, the crewmembers' wails of grief a very, very potent aphrodisiac for more fornication.

    We sailed, ate, sailed again. The rhythm never broke. A circle without end.

    Soon I took part in the feasting of a brazen zailor who tried to shoot me and failed spectacularly in doing so. The few remaining crew and I ate him and we said nothing of the incident. They knew better. The silence was terrible for them, and it pleased me. Nearby, a cargo vessel sailed past us without pause. You could almost smell the bounty of food and fuel aboard it. They never knew what we were doing, or what we've become, circling without end. Then, they were gone, and my remaining crew came undone.

    I shot a crewman who attempted to abandon ship, and I tossed his body overboard. I did nothing as another member leapt overboard soon after, only to be swallowed by the waves, screaming about Salt's curse being set upon us. I dined with the lady in lilac again as the second to last crewman wept and succumbed in his sleep to nightmares, alone and misbegotten.

    I believe his corpse is still decomposing in its spot, somewhere in the dark in the lowest corner of my vessel, the Unsinkable II. He shall remain there as a souvenir until I see fit.

    Finally, when it was just me and one broken crew member left, I turned the ship portside and set us off. Time to stop the circles; home was near, just at the edge of the screen. I paid a hefty fee for a tow and returned to port, to my zeeside mansion, where I slept like a baby that evening.

    London was oblivious. Or unmoved.

    Tomorrow, thirteen new crew members await orders to set sail. They haven't the foggiest of what to expect.

    No one commits mutiny on my vessel.

    10/10


  • Winner of the 2016 Presidential Election


    Here's an example why this game is awesome:

    At the port I picked up a passenger.
    Turns out he's a shapeshifting face-eating monster.
    One by one he eats my crew and drops faceless bodies into the sea.
    Several times I tried to catch him and failed.
    At the end only me and my first mate are left alive.
    There's a bunch of options how to deal with him like fight, talk, use this, use that...
    There is also an option to admit that there is no monster and its been you all along.

    How much greater can it get?


  • Impossible Mission Players - A

    @dreikin said in BEST OF Steam user-submitted reviews:

    My cwew attempted a mutiny, upset and fwightenyed fwom being out at sea fow too wong. When theiw mutiny faiwed, I saiwed them back to Wondon. Once home was in sight, and they gathewed at the waiws to sing pwaise, I pwomptwy tuwnyed the ship awound and saiwed it in a ciwcwe. And then anyothew ciwcwe, this onye widew. Then, a thiwd ciwcwe, this onye smawwew.
    Nyo onye commits mutiny on my vessew.
    Time muvd swiftwy as the ciwcwes continyued. My cwew onwy had a faint undewstanding of what punyishments wewe in stowe fow them as I spent the nyight in my cabin, fownyicating with ouw suwgeon. Awound and awound and awound we saiwed.
    It soon dawnyed on them what was happenying when the nyightmawes came, when the food and suppwies began wunnying wow. Once the food was gonye, the madnyess came quick; the fwightenyed teaws, quickew. Onye membew wanted to kiww hewsewf, but I wouwdn't awwow it. Anyothew begged me to stop the endwess ciwcwes, so I saiwed them fastew, swoppiew. Once, I saiwed cwose to a zee-beast. It swam away, wanting nyo pawt in the theatwe of suffewing I was pwoducing. An entiwe meaw, the cwew's wast hope of staving off death by stawvation, had gonye. Onwy the ciwcwes wemainyed.
    If they wanted to wive, they had to eat. Keeping theiw humanyity was nyo wongew an option. They knyew what wittwe choice they had, and what wittwe they couwd do to contwow it. Out of food, cannyibawism quickwy took howd on the decks. Cwew membews butchewed and ate each othew aftew yet anyothew faiwed mutiny. And back in my cabin, aww I couwd do was muse with my suwtwy wady in wiwac, the cwewmembews' waiws of gwief a vewy, vewy potent aphwodisiac fow mowe fownyication.
    We saiwed, ate, saiwed again. The whythm nyevew bwoke. A ciwcwe without end.
    Soon I took pawt in the feasting of a bwazen zaiwow who twied to shoot me and faiwed spectacuwawwy in doing so. The few wemainying cwew and I ate him and we said nyothing of the incident. They knyew bettew. The siwence was tewwibwe fow them, and it pweased me. Nyeawby, a cawgo vessew saiwed past us without pause. You couwd awmost smeww the bounty of food and fuew aboawd it. They nyevew knyew what we wewe doing, ow what we've become, ciwcwing without end. Then, they wewe gonye, and my wemainying cwew came undonye.
    I shot a cwewman who attempted to abandon ship, and I tossed his body uvwboawd. I did nyothing as anyothew membew weapt uvwboawd soon aftew, onwy to be swawwowed by the waves, scweaming about Sawt's cuwse being set upon us. I dinyed with the wady in wiwac again as the second to wast cwewman wept and succumbed in his sweep to nyightmawes, awonye and misbegotten.
    I bewieve his cowpse is stiww decomposing in its spot, somewhewe in the dawk in the wowest cownyew of my vessew, the Unsinkabwe II. He shaww wemain thewe as a souvenyiw untiw I see fit.
    Finyawwy, when it was just me and onye bwoken cwew membew weft, I tuwnyed the ship powtside and set us off. Time to stop the ciwcwes; home was nyeaw, just at the edge of the scween. I paid a hefty fee fow a tow and wetuwnyed to powt, to my zeeside mansion, whewe I swept wike a baby that evenying.
    Wondon was obwivious. Ow unmuvd.
    Tomowwow, thiwteen nyew cwew membews await owdews to set saiw. They haven't the foggiest of what to expect.
    Nyo onye commits mutiny on my vessew.
    10/10

    @dreikin said in BEST OF Steam user-submitted reviews:

    Hewe's an exampwe why this game is awesome:
    At the powt I picked up a passengew.
    Tuwns out he's a shapeshifting face-eating monstew.
    Onye by onye he eats my cwew and dwops facewess bodies into the sea.
    Sevewaw times I twied to catch him and faiwed.
    At the end onwy me and my fiwst mate awe weft awive.
    Thewe's a bunch of options how to deaw with him wike fight, tawk, use this, use that...
    Thewe is awso an option to admit that thewe is nyo monstew and its been you aww awong.
    How much gweatew can it get?

    These get so much better with this extension....

    Now if only I could get a good TTS voice to read it out...


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