Fun responses to spam phone calls


  • BINNED

    I just had one of those ambulance chasing legal firms cold call me asking about the accidend I've had in the last two years that wasn't my fault. These can be great fun.

    I asked when it was and he said he didn't have any date details, so I told him it didn't ring any bells, but that my memory isn't too good since the accident

    :wally:: what accident would that be?
    jaloopa: I don't remember

    At this point he was clearly aware that I was fucking with him, but took it in much better humour than some people. I could hear him struggling to keep a straight face as he promised to take my name off their system.

    Other fun ones I've done include making up a wild story about how it was probably my fault since I was drunk, high and not even licensed to be driving a school bus. My wife once told one of them that she had been in an accident, and that it was so bad she died. They stayed on the line until she started making ghostly noises.

    Any other good ideas for how to play with future ones?



  • @jaloopa
    "Great timing! I'm in the ambulance right now!"


  • sockdevs

    "What about the accident you had in the last two years that wasn't your fault?"



  • @raceprouk said in Fun responses to spam phone calls:

    "What about the accident you had in the last two years that wasn't your my fault?"


  • sockdevs

    "Oh, so you're the bitch who crashed into me!"


  • sockdevs

    "Well, I'd love to talk about it right now, but I need to stop this nuclear powerplant going into meltdown. Call me back later, yeah?"


  • sockdevs

    The speech from Taken


  • sockdevs

    @jaloopa said in Fun responses to spam phone calls:

    I just had one of those ambulance chasing legal firms cold call me asking about the accidend I've had in the last two years that wasn't my fault. These can be great fun.

    I asked when it was and he said he didn't have any date details, so I told him it didn't ring any bells, but that my memory isn't too good since the accident

    :wally:: what accident would that be?
    jaloopa: I don't remember

    At this point he was clearly aware that I was fucking with him, but took it in much better humour than some people. I could hear him struggling to keep a straight face as he promised to take my name off their system.

    Other fun ones I've done include making up a wild story about how it was probably my fault since I was drunk, high and not even licensed to be driving a school bus. My wife once told one of them that she had been in an accident, and that it was so bad she died. They stayed on the line until she started making ghostly noises.

    Any other good ideas for how to play with future ones?

    :telephone: *RING!*
    accalia -picks up the phone, notes the number is blocked from caller id- Thank you for calling Joe's Roadkill Cafe, where you hit it, we grill it. Whad'ja hit? We gonna need the big grill or what?


  • sockdevs

    Say this in a robot voice:
    "You have been added to a terrorist watchlist for dialling a blacklisted number."


  • sockdevs

    "I hear it's amazing when the famous purple stuffed worm in flap-jaw space with the tuning fork does a raw blink on Hara-Kiri rock. I need scissors! 61!"


  • BINNED

    @accalia said in Fun responses to spam phone calls:

    notes the number is blocked from caller id

    Quite often they're not. The one today was calling from York



  • @jaloopa said in Fun responses to spam phone calls:

    calling from York

    That's even worse!



  • "National Nuclear Response Team, Tom speaking."


  • sockdevs

    @jaloopa said in Fun responses to spam phone calls:

    The one today was calling from York

    Was he a grand old duke?


  • Discourse touched me in a no-no place

    @jaloopa said in Fun responses to spam phone calls:

    Other fun ones I've done include making up a wild story about how it was probably my fault since I was drunk, high and not even licensed to be driving a school bus. My wife once told one of them that she had been in an accident, and that it was so bad she died. They stayed on the line until she started making ghostly noises.

    10/10 Professional-level :trollface:ing.


  • sockdevs

    "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!"


  • sockdevs

    @jaloopa said in Fun responses to spam phone calls:

    @accalia said in Fun responses to spam phone calls:

    notes the number is blocked from caller id

    Quite often they're not. The one today was calling from York

    yeah, but back when i used to reverseprank call the telemarketers it was far more common to do that, ususally because they didn't want you ringing back to find out they were doing business as liek eleven differetn companies


  • I survived the hour long Uno hand

    @accalia
    I don't get to answer random numbers with weird responses, since occasionally a business call will get forwarded through to my cell phone in a way that preserves the incoming CID. But for family, I'll sometimes answer "Murphy's Meat Market, sliced, diced, or chopped?"


  • sockdevs

    @izzion said in Fun responses to spam phone calls:

    @accalia
    I don't get to answer random numbers with weird responses, since occasionally a business call will get forwarded through to my cell phone in a way that preserves the incoming CID. But for family, I'll sometimes answer "Murphy's Meat Market, sliced, diced, or chopped?"

    yeah. if y'all want me to get business calls on my cell phone yousa gonna pay for a separate phone for me to have.
    cause fuck that shit.



  • @accalia said in Fun responses to spam phone calls:

    yeah. if y'all want me to get business calls on my cell phone yousa gonna pay for a separate phone for me to have.
    cause fuck that shit.

    Helps with keeping work and personal life separate, too.



  • Probably worth wheeling this out again:



  • When there is no callerID (usually telemarketers), I sometime answer the phone with this line:

    "Saint Joseph Oratory, miracle department, how may I help you today ?"

    They get really confused



  • "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" - @boomzilla



  • @nedfodder
    I don't know how calling yourself Boomzilla will make any impression.



  • @luhmann Why not? I'm just one of his alts, after all...



  • @nedfodder said in Fun responses to spam phone calls:

    Why not?

    It will only work if the caller is one of his alts ...

    So ... totally hilarious



  • When I was unemployed I had to visit a few callcenters, as we got a few in town. It's a popular town for them due to the fact that the lack of dialect here makes it neutral Swedish. They tried to make it sound like fun and exciting places to work, but fuck that shit. I know they're toxic hellstews with unhealthy work environments. Extra fun with the place where the "seller of the month" would get to work for a month from Cyprus. So, instead of working in a cool and nice office get to work in an office that probably gets really warm often. Yeah...

    Although, gotta delight in the irony of one of them buying a church to use as offices. So that church is now spreading a different kind of "good news" based off directions from above.



  • I wasn't really trolling but it was fun in the same way a couple of weeks ago. My company secretary from half a dozen time zones away calls me on the SIP phone and tells me there's a John Doe from Microsoft on the phone who wants to talk to me regarding "the data migration". Now I'm not currently migrating any data and most certainly not with anyone from Microsoft so I tell her he probably got the wrong name and she'd better connect him to the Windows admin.
    Two weeks later he calls again, so I ask her to connect him lest she have to go through more iterations like this. Of course it's a recruiter, and he wants me to work for some Windows shop in Munich.

    LaoC I'm not sure how you got my name but I'm sure you don't want me for that job. I'm based in Laos. Kinda far.
    :wally: Ohhh, doesn't matter, salary is really good, brilliant team, most people live somewhere in the 'burbs anyway. Whatcha say, just hop on the train for a day and pass by here and we'll talk about it and of course we pay for the ticket and all.
    LaoC You don't want to pay for the ticket.
    :wally: Sure we do, why not, and I'm sure as good as the job is you'll be convinced a little commute is worth it.
    LaoC Well … you know, I've done the route by car once. Not exactly the same one but close. Took five fucking weeks, and it's not like I took a lot of breaks. And after that road through Siberia the car was so fucked up …
    :wally: [faint sound of rusty cogs grinding]
    LaoC You know where Laos is, right?
    :wally: Uh … guess I don't.
    LaoC Between Thailand, Vietnam and China. Toldcha it's far.
    :wally: Uh … LOL, yeah, then probably, that's not a good idea.
    :derp:



  • @accalia said in Fun responses to spam phone calls:

    :telephone: *RING!*
    accalia -picks up the phone, notes the number is blocked from caller id- Thank you for calling Joe's Roadkill Cafe, where you hit it, we grill it. Whad'ja hit? We gonna need the big grill or what?

    Roadkill Cafe: You kill it, we grill it


  • ♿

    Just start talking about Dwarf Fortress and they'll hang up. Or themself.


  • sockdevs

    @ben_lubar said in Fun responses to spam phone calls:

    Just start talking about Dwarf Fortress and they'll hang up. Or themself.

    it saddens me that you know this from experience.


  • Impossible Mission - B

    Probably the best example I know of happened to a friend of mine, soon after high school. He and his sister had worked this all out beforehand. It went something like this.

    :telephone: Ring! Ring!
    :man_tone2: Hello?
    :telephone: Hi, this is Franks Obnoxious Telemarketing Service. I'd like to ask you about our special promotion.
    :man_tone2: Oh, that sounds really interesting! *goes to find sister, covers phone, whispers, "it's a telemarketer!"*
    :telephone: We've got a special offer today, just for you, where--
    :woman_tone2: DAVE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE MOWING THE YARD!
    :man_tone2: SHUT UP, WOMAN! CAN'T YOU SEE I'M ON THE PHONE?!? *ahem* Sorry about that. It's the wife. You know how they can be?
    :telephone: Ugh, yeah. Anyway, as I was saying--
    :woman_tone2: DON'T TALK TO ME LIKE THAT! YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING TO MOW THE YARD!!!

    They then proceed to get into a big loud screaming match at each other, with the hapless telemarketer still on the line. Meanwhile, he's going to his room and retrieving a starter's pistol. (He was a runner.)

    He takes it outside, both of them still yelling at each other, then finally yells, "I TOLD YOU TO SHUT! UP!!!", places the pistol right up against the phone, and fires a shot in the air.

    :man_tone2: ...uhh... oh crap! Are you still on the line? *hangs up*

    About 10 minutes later, the police arrive at his place. The two of them come out and explain the prank to the officers, and by the end of it the cops were cracking up laughing and saying that was one of the funniest things they've ever seen.

    The telemarketer never called back.


  • Impossible Mission - B

    @laoc said in Fun responses to spam phone calls:

    I wasn't really trolling but it was fun in the same way a couple of weeks ago. My company secretary from half a dozen time zones away calls me on the SIP phone and tells me there's a John Doe from Microsoft on the phone who wants to talk to me regarding "the data migration". Now I'm not currently migrating any data and most certainly not with anyone from Microsoft so I tell her he probably got the wrong name and she'd better connect him to the Windows admin.
    Two weeks later he calls again, so I ask her to connect him lest she have to go through more iterations like this. Of course it's a recruiter, and he wants me to work for some Windows shop in Munich.

    LaoC I'm not sure how you got my name but I'm sure you don't want me for that job. I'm based in Laos. Kinda far.
    :wally: Ohhh, doesn't matter, salary is really good, brilliant team, most people live somewhere in the 'burbs anyway. Whatcha say, just hop on the train for a day and pass by here and we'll talk about it and of course we pay for the ticket and all.
    LaoC You don't want to pay for the ticket.
    :wally: Sure we do, why not, and I'm sure as good as the job is you'll be convinced a little commute is worth it.
    LaoC Well … you know, I've done the route by car once. Not exactly the same one but close. Took five fucking weeks, and it's not like I took a lot of breaks. And after that road through Siberia the car was so fucked up …
    :wally: [faint sound of rusty cogs grinding]
    LaoC You know where Laos is, right?
    :wally: Uh … guess I don't.
    LaoC Between Thailand, Vietnam and China. Toldcha it's far.
    :wally: Uh … LOL, yeah, then probably, that's not a good idea.
    :derp:

    That reminds me of a joke I heard once.

    :telephone: Ring! Ring!
    :child: Hello?
    :telephone: ...
    :child: Well duh, he already knows that! *hangs up*
    :man: Who was that, son?
    :child: Just some idiot who wanted me to tell you it's a long distance from France.



  • @masonwheeler said in Fun responses to spam phone calls:

    About 10 minutes later, the police arrive at his place. The two of them come out and explain the prank to the officers, and by the end of it the cops were cracking up laughing and saying that was one of the funniest things they've ever seen.

    :scream: Did he try to invent self-SWATting?



  • @masonwheeler Interesting that the telemarketer knew how to dial their local police department.

    More likely one of the neighbors heard it and called it in.


  • Impossible Mission - B

    @dangeruss From the area code and first three digits, you can get a good idea of the location of the other phone. (The proliferation of cell phones has made this a lot less reliable, but this was back in the 90s.) From there, it's not difficult to call directory services and get the local police department.


  • Winner of the 2016 Presidential Election

    "Facility 31, codeword please?"


  • sockdevs

    I'm told this is most effective for getting telemarketers to hang up and never call again "Good morning[substitute evening if it happens to be before noon], I am a missionary from the church of Jesus Christ of Later Day Saints. Do you have a moment to discuss religion with us today?"

    I also know someone who answers the phone with "虎穴に入らずんば虎子を得ず"

    or if you know Russian just answer the phone ans start screaming... just about anything really... in Russian. (Note this only works where russian speakers are uncommon)



  • @accalia Your sig would also make a good reply …

    "To lick my luscious peach, press one. For chocolaty fun, press two. Please have your credit card details ready"


  • Fake News


  • sockdevs

    @laoc said in Fun responses to spam phone calls:

    @accalia Your sig would also make a good reply …

    "To lick my luscious peach, press one. For chocolaty fun, press two. Please have your credit card details ready"

    i think you're the first person to mention my signature.....

    @Perverted_Vixen, someone finally noticed your work. Now pay up will you, it took them more than twice as long as you bet it would to notice and mention it.


  • Winner of the 2016 Presidential Election

    @accalia said in Fun responses to spam phone calls:

    @jaloopa said in Fun responses to spam phone calls:

    I just had one of those ambulance chasing legal firms cold call me asking about the accidend I've had in the last two years that wasn't my fault. These can be great fun.

    I asked when it was and he said he didn't have any date details, so I told him it didn't ring any bells, but that my memory isn't too good since the accident

    :wally:: what accident would that be?
    jaloopa: I don't remember

    At this point he was clearly aware that I was fucking with him, but took it in much better humour than some people. I could hear him struggling to keep a straight face as he promised to take my name off their system.

    Other fun ones I've done include making up a wild story about how it was probably my fault since I was drunk, high and not even licensed to be driving a school bus. My wife once told one of them that she had been in an accident, and that it was so bad she died. They stayed on the line until she started making ghostly noises.

    Any other good ideas for how to play with future ones?

    :telephone: *RING!*
    accalia -picks up the phone, notes the number is blocked from caller id- Thank you for calling Joe's Roadkill Cafe, where you hit it, we grill it. Whad'ja hit? We gonna need the big grill or what?

    You laugh, but...

    One of my uncle's coworkers, Todd, was an avid hunter in his off time. One day he and my uncle are driving back from the day's job, and they spy a deer carcass on the side of the road. Todd, after a moment's thought, says "That wasn't there this morning!" and they end up turning around so he can field butcher it and put the good stuff in the back of the van.

    So they got free roadkill venison, and apparently it tasted just fine.


  • Impossible Mission Players - A

    @accalia said in Fun responses to spam phone calls:

    I'm told this is most effective for getting telemarketers to hang up and never call again "Good morning[substitute evening if it happens to be before noon], I am a missionary from the church of Jesus Christ of Later Day Saints. Do you have a moment to discuss religion with us today?"

    Eh, any LDS member would instantly know you're not a missionary, that's not how Elders answer the phone. :P


  • Winner of the 2016 Presidential Election

    @accalia said in Fun responses to spam phone calls:

    @jaloopa said in Fun responses to spam phone calls:

    @accalia said in Fun responses to spam phone calls:

    notes the number is blocked from caller id

    Quite often they're not. The one today was calling from York

    yeah, but back when i used to reverseprank call the telemarketers it was far more common to do that, ususally because they didn't want you ringing back to find out they were doing business as liek eleven differetn companies

    Lately, there's been some telemarketer(s)/scammer(s) calling with "local" numbers showing on CID. They don't actually have the number displayed, however, which is occasionally fun.


  • Winner of the 2016 Presidential Election

    @accalia said in Fun responses to spam phone calls:

    @laoc said in Fun responses to spam phone calls:

    @accalia Your sig would also make a good reply …

    "To lick my luscious peach, press one. For chocolaty fun, press two. Please have your credit card details ready"

    i think you're the first person to mention my signature.....

    @Perverted_Vixen, someone finally noticed your work. Now pay up will you, it took them more than twice as long as you bet it would to notice

    It was noticed quite a while ago...

    and mention it.

    Ah, well.


  • Impossible Mission Players - A

    @accalia said in Fun responses to spam phone calls:

    mention it.

    Can't, too busy trying to lick.



  • @accalia said in Fun responses to spam phone calls:

    i think you're the first person to mention my signature.....

    Time zone advantage :)


  • sockdevs

    @laoc said in Fun responses to spam phone calls:

    @accalia said in Fun responses to spam phone calls:

    i think you're the first person to mention my signature.....

    Time zone advantage :)

    it's been like a week, more if you count prior attempts at giggity signatures......

    :-P



  • @accalia Only a week? I somehow remember seeing it a bit longer ago :o


  • sockdevs

    @thame90 said in Fun responses to spam phone calls:

    @accalia Only a week? I somehow remember seeing it a bit longer ago :o

    I was gonna say, I'm sure it's been there for at least 2 weeks, if not 3. Or more, even.


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