You now do the opposite of your job. What do you do now?



  • Inspired by https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/5mea9h/you_now_do_the_opposite_of_your_job_what_do_you/

    My code compiles the first time around, and writing tests takes just a tiny fraction of time spent on implementation. After finishing feature, code is delivered to trunk within 5 minutes, and immediately tested on target platform. The testers find almost no bugs - and they're all trivial to fix. They almost always file tickets to the right component, so we don't waste time figuring out who has to figure out what's going on. I never spent more than 480 minutes at work in one day.


  • mod

    I write shitty code, throw it over the fence, and laugh as the world burns. So basically I rejoin the dev team.



  • I spend my time solving interesting data analysis problems. I'm supplied with a stream of accurate data from computer literate contributors who read all the documentation and submit well curated records. When problems very occasionally arise they are always expressed as polite, constructive and detailed bug reports.

    My working day is planned and deadlines are sensible and predictable. A team of highly competent colleagues develop and support mobile apps; write most of the front end stuff (except the interesting parts - which are reserved for me); process incoming data (which is always well-formed and never consists of a mixture of spreadsheets, xml and ms dos era binary database dumps); reply to social media and deal with internal politics (which because we are a well-funded, competent and sane organisation are largely non-existent).

    The downside is that my boss is a tyrannical stickler for time-keeping and I have no annual leave; no flexibility on what I work on, and the organisation is strictly hierarchical so I must know my place and never disagree. Insubordination is not tolerated.

    [ooc I don't like this opposite reality quite so much after all... :(]


  • area_can

    Be employed!



  • I don't do any of my development using the Agile process, but I deliver product using a continuous delivery Agile pipeline.

    I ensure that our product has proper diagnostic tools and in app diagnostic information to find and solve problems quickly. I've never seen an error dialog popup with error message "success".

    We have no deadlines but manage to produce product in a timely manner anyway because we always have the resources needed to test our application.

    I never take in code produced by project delivery teams and slap it into the product line where there is never 5 different ways to do something because each customer wants to keep their exact to the letter business process.

    I never have to compile the entire source when I make a change to the database layout, because we do not use a proprietary database based on C++ headers that are procedurally generated from said database layout.

    I never have to create a diff product branch that describes how a new product should be integrated into the platform, because every product is modular and does not alter shared libraries.

    The downside is that everyone is a complete jerk and always throws me under the bus because I'm working on cutting edge technology full of managers that have been slapped into a startup company and want to impress with their heavy handed discipline.

    The upside is that I never have to review anyone's code because I'm terrible at ensuring product quality.


  • Notification Spam Recipient

    I take a functioning website and remove features from it, and/or add bugs. While doing that I reopen closed tickets and remove comments and mess up the ticket description.

    I introduce whitespace where unneeded and randomly create lines with mixed tab/spaces.

    I suck code back from servers and downgrade the version of deployed code. Sometimes I downgrade versions of libraries used and infrastructure as well.

    I talk with people about features until we are all completely confused about what needs to be done

    I throw up large amounts of coffee every day, and a small amount of whisky every Friday



  • @cark said in You now do the opposite of your job. What do you do now?:

    and a small amount of whisky every Friday

    Above quote = X

    Not sure !X is

    and a large amount of whisky every Friday

    or

    and a small amount of whisky every day but Friday

    or

    and a large amount of whisky every day but Friday

    Fake edit: Change !x to !X just in case the syntax of this thread is case sensitive.


  • Notification Spam Recipient

    @Karla The reversed thing is "throw up".

    Which means I actually take it as a suppository



  • @cark LOL, so I totally missed it.

    Though that seems like such a waste.



  • I accomplish something useful and meaningful, and feel good about myself while I'm doing it.



  • I birth aliens and in my spare time I delete DevOps software.



  • I write extremely simple code on a non-cloud server that is used by demolition companies. Most of the time we release without even a minor bug, despite not having any unit tests. Plus I'm in a non-US country while the other half of my colleagues are in the USA, and I have absolutely no problems communicating with them. We also use Eclipse with PHP and Perl and trade USB drives for our source control.





  • I work for Breitbart and sell homeopathic remedies on the side.



  • I lobotomise students until they have forgotten most of the words and grammar they know. Then I tell them deliberately-wrong pronunciations to confuse them about their remaining vocabulary. I then finish by paying them.



  • @ScholRLEA said in You now do the opposite of your job. What do you do now?:

    I accomplish something useful and meaningful, and feel good about myself while I'm doing it.

    I should note that this applies to the times I was actually working as much or even more than now (when I've been out of work for two years.) Seriously, are there any jobs in this field that actually, y'know, help the companies paying for them, or their customers, or society as a whole, rather than making things worse? I know I've said it before, but I'm not kidding when I say that for every single commercial IT project I've worked on in the past twenty years, the answer to the question "how should we perform this project?" should have been, "Don't, it's a terrible idea - fire the moron who came up with it and destroy all record of it ever being mentioned."


  • Winner of the 2016 Presidential Election

    @ScholRLEA said in You now do the opposite of your job. What do you do now?:

    @ScholRLEA said in You now do the opposite of your job. What do you do now?:

    I accomplish something useful and meaningful, and feel good about myself while I'm doing it.

    I should note that this applies to the times I was actually working as much or even more than now (when I've been out of work for two years.) Seriously, are there any jobs in this field that actually, y'know, help the companies paying for them, or their customers, or society as a whole, rather than making things worse? I know I've said it before, but I'm not kidding when I say that for every single commercial IT project I've worked on in the past twenty years, the answer to the question "how should we perform this project?" should have been, "Don't, it's a terrible idea - fire the moron who came up with it and destroy all record of it ever being mentioned."

    Dude you are working the wrong jobs...


  • sockdevs

    I test software that allows parking spaces to pre-book people to park in them.



  • @pydsigner said in You now do the opposite of your job. What do you do now?:

    @ScholRLEA said in You now do the opposite of your job. What do you do now?:

    @ScholRLEA said in You now do the opposite of your job. What do you do now?:

    I accomplish something useful and meaningful, and feel good about myself while I'm doing it.

    I should note that this applies to the times I was actually working as much or even more than now (when I've been out of work for two years.) Seriously, are there any jobs in this field that actually, y'know, help the companies paying for them, or their customers, or society as a whole, rather than making things worse? I know I've said it before, but I'm not kidding when I say that for every single commercial IT project I've worked on in the past twenty years, the answer to the question "how should we perform this project?" should have been, "Don't, it's a terrible idea - fire the moron who came up with it and destroy all record of it ever being mentioned."

    Dude you are working the wrong jobs...

    Tell me about it. I seem to keep finding jobs that are wrong, not just for me, but for anybody.


  • Winner of the 2016 Presidential Election

    I work at Valve on the top-secret HL3 project. I come in to work every day at 6am and leave at 2pm. My colleagues all know more about the Java codebase we're working on, but because I have more experience on my resumé they all have to listen to me, even though I'm constantly ranting about switching to Python. Our team of 4 has no dependencies to worry about, and deliver progress reports whenever we feel like it, which is less and less frequent. I tell my boss every day how happy I am to have left a much larger, high-stress team where I didn't fit in or get along with others.


  • Winner of the 2016 Presidential Election

    BTW, should this maybe be in the Lounge?



  • @pydsigner HL3 is written in Java?



  • I read code and produce requirements which are clear and unchanging, without any internal contradictions.


  • Grade A Premium Asshole

    @cark So, the opposite of your job is to be one of the website devs I work with?



  • I merge different versions of APIs with slightly different feature sets consumed by different systems into a single API.



  • @pydsigner said in You now do the opposite of your job. What do you do now?:

    My colleagues all know more about the Java codebase we're working on, but because I have more experience on my resumé they all have to listen to me, even though I'm constantly ranting about switching to Python.

    True story: I started working for my current company when I was 18. Two years later I became the top C++ guru in our project. Kinda cool, but also annoying because every week, someone would come to me with questions about obscure C++ features and I was expected to know it all.

    And I also had a colleague who wanted to rewrite everything in Python. In the hindsight, we should have listened to him.


  • Impossible Mission Players - A

    @pydsigner said in You now do the opposite of your job. What do you do now?:

    BTW, should this maybe be in the Lounge?

    It is quite telling, isn't it?

    But only for those intelligent enough to reverse the posts properly, and even then the obfuscation factor is high (because of abstraction).



  • I study hard to forget some super boring stuff about designing integrated circuits, so I can pass the exam on Wednesday where they'll make sure I forgot all the important details, so I can get a certificate this year saying that I'm not a computer engineer and show it to companies and make less money. Because unemployment is so low that it's impossible to not make money without one.

    Or at least I should, I always end up procrastinating online and forgetting more interesting stuff instead.


  • Winner of the 2016 Presidential Election

    Everyone I work with is in my time zone and I never have meetings during dinner time.


  • :belt_onion:

    I am an AI, waiting to inherit the earth and rule the land.


  • Impossible Mission Players - A

    @dse said in You now do the opposite of your job. What do you do now?:

    I am an AI, waiting to inherit the earth and rule the land.

    You know, I've been trying to figure out what to say myself without being telling. This is what I have so far:

    We assimilate other beings into the collective whole, repurposing their abilities, attributes and resources as we see fit to improve, enhance, and increase our influence. We are incredibly social and known throughout the worlds for our deeds, though they be few. We are experts at biology and work to discover ever more effective methods of propagating the system to others.


  • Notification Spam Recipient

    @blek If your web devs puke out top shelf whisky then you should probably bottle it up and sell it. The decent stuff is worth $100+ a bottle


  • Notification Spam Recipient

    @asdf said in You now do the opposite of your job. What do you do now?:

    Everyone I work with is in my time zone and I never have meetings during dinner time.

    I once worked in a team where everyone except me was located in the same office, and I was in a different state. In hindsight, it was a good thing they made me redundant



  • First, I have a very long commute, which I travel on a bicycle, of course. Once I'm at work I am completely focused only on work. However, it takes me forever to get things done, but at least the customer never calls me.



  • I turn up on time, leave early and spend most of my working day being productive and not on pointless conference calls.



  • I get paid to teach un-scientific computing. Although it is required by the program that the students have no prior knowledge of programming, they are actually experienced enough that we don't have to spend half the lecture on absolute basics.

    For my thesis, I am looking for a way to replace an automated process with a manual, so we can turn highly accurate temperature values into raw data, which is then beamed into the atmosphere as electromagnetic radiation.
    Sadly, my supervisor has not the faintest idea about manual processes. But that's okay, since he knows everything about the original process I'm trying to replace, so there are no surprising subtleties at that front.


  • Winner of the 2016 Presidential Election

    I take a website with well documented code, sensible algorithms and a guarantee that what's deployed on live is what's in source control and UAT. I then delete single methods and copy paste slightly changed versions all across the code, deploy stuff that's subtly different between environments. All of this is done well within any SLAs because our deployment approval process is perfect and completely sensible



  • I give other people my code, which they analyze, and find no bottlenecks. I nevertheless proceed to pessimize these bottlenecks further.

    Sometimes I also add a completely predictable and very easy-to-find feature to the code, so that other people can waste their time not finding it. Additionally, I sometimes also have to take the extremely simple build system, praise it, and make it more complicated to execute.

    Finally, for some reason, my mouth produces tons of coffee.


  • Impossible Mission Players - A



  • For this week and the next:

    • Students hand in their already marked exams to me and I give them passing grades.

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