Bort is a poop floating in a toilet with the other poops poop (Star Trek)



  • Continuing the discussion from Hiring devs:

    @Bort said:

    V was great for developing the characters though. It's major flaw was the cheap special effects, laughably corny scenes, dumb dialog, awkward action set pieces and fall-flat attempts at humor, which were Shatner's fault (we wrote/directed)

    Dude.

    Dude.

    The only truly awful part of the movie was the whole thing with the "fan dance". I make no excuses for that.

    The corny scenes were amazing. The dialog wasn't dumb, and in fact was kind of actually quite smart in places. (Try to tell me "excuse me, uh, excuse me... but why would God need a spaceship?" is bad writing.) The action set pieces were... well ok, the botched anti-terrorism thing at the beginning was pretty poor, but also remember: they botched it, that was kind of the point. The humor was pretty funny, IMO.

    Look, given Star Trek III or Star Trek V, I'd watch V any time. It's a better movie. It genuinely is.



  • @blakeyrat said:

    Look, given Star Trek III or Star Trek V, I'd watch V any time. It's a better movie. It genuinely is.

    I agree. But I also like the reboots, so undefined h8ters.



  • I liked the first one, but the second one was a confused mish-mash of dumb.

    The best thing about it was Mickey Smith from Doctor Who as a space-terrorist. And that was only like the first 15 minutes.



  • Yes, the first was definitely better. I think my favorite bit about the second one was where they reversed which character sacrificed himself in the reactor.



  • "Let's write an original sci-fi story!"

    "No let's make it Yet Another Wrath Of Khan rehash!"

    "I know... let's do BOTH SIMULTANEOUSLY! Then we'll have this great marketing plan where we tell everybody that Benedict Cumberbatch and is playing a character similar to Khan but who isn't Khan and then when the movie comes out it turns out he actually was Khan and we were just lying fucks!"

    "Brilliant! But also make sure the action sequences are cut so quickly nobody can figure out what the fuck is going on."


  • BINNED

    Thanks for the summary. I gave up 10 minutes in so this filled in the blanks perfectly.


    Filed under: Constitution class on the bottom of ocean... what's next, Spock flying into a volcano using a jetpack?



  • The reboots are good, but they overdid the cinema verite style and the special effects are pretty ADHD.



  • Is Star Trek V the one with that teak fellow? <>

    <script=
    All Star Trek is raw garbage.
    All Star Wars is raw garbage.
    All Star Gate is raw garbage.
    It is likely that all other Star * works are raw garbage, but exceptions are possible.
    It is unfortunate (but not unexpected, given the common love of garbage) that all three shows have such a large following.


  • Discourse touched me in a no-no place

    @Onyx said:

    Thanks for the summary. I gave up 10 minutes in so this filled in the blanks perfectly.

    That plot wasn't exactly Mission: Impossible.



  • here goes:

    dingleberry as a "consultant", kind of like lucas he couldn't be trusted with his own creation
    climbing with no ropes seems pretty stupid
    spock with rocket boots?!
    how did they convince nimoy to go along with this dumbass scene?
    did they get him drunk at the contract signing?
    watch it yourself
    i dare you
    water billards? whatever
    oh cool, david warner's in this
    she doesn't look like a romulan to me
    so they died a horse blue and glued a horn on it
    can't it just be a normal horse?
    "borgus frat" -scotty
    "we're caught in a blizzard" lame. not funny.
    "i knew i wouldn't die because i always knew i would die alone"
    wtf?
    that's why you were climbing without ropes?
    that's fucking stupid!
    spock has a mechanical marshmellow container that every so slowly ejects said marshmellow
    "i like'd him better before he died" thank you, bones
    they all say good night to each other
    i guess someone was a fan of little house on the prairie
    oh shit klingons!
    yep, those SFX really do suck
    so i guess the enterprise is the only ship available despite not being ready
    "i need jim kirk" then send kirk to another ship
    the excellsior is right there
    people still wear jeans and t-shirts 300 years from now
    is shat wearing lipstick?
    the captains log is an actual book-like thing?
    oh god this is the feather dancing scene
    no further comment about said scene
    ok, it's over
    thank god
    so now a guy has a space bazooka
    nerve-pinching a horse
    still not as cool as when that guy punched out a horse in blazing saddles
    lol cat lady pounched on kirk
    Star Trek V: The Furry Frontier
    he throws her into the water pool table and she just floats face-down (dead?)
    is water her kryptonite?
    you think that's real klingon speak?
    why weren't they cloaked the whole time?
    faint wilhelm scream?
    are there no gaurds on this ship? i guess they took them all down to the planet?
    they have just one huge brig cell with a 20 foot ceiling
    and you're not supposed to use the power chair while in spacedock why?
    everyone has exactly one secret pain? i never understood how that worked
    he shares their pain so they trust him completely
    or they understand and share his goals?
    they can get to the center of the galaxy in 6.7 hours? at warp 7?
    in voyager, they said that would take like 30 years
    why is heaven in the center of our galaxy?
    what about the other galaxies?
    did scotty just get knocked out by walking into a beam at 1.3 miles per hour?
    why is the turbo lift shaft so much bigger than the turbo lift?
    why is it not cylindrical?
    what if the turbo lift comes flying down the shaft?
    flying up and down the shaft
    deck 78!?
    wait, it said deck 55, then deck 64 then deck 55 again then 78...
    you know what, whatever, that's hardly the silliest part of this scene
    "hit the breaks durr hurr!"
    do the rocket boots only have two settings - not enough and way too much?
    and they stop just before hitting the ceiling JUST LIKE at the beginning of the movie
    that's the same fucking gag!
    and it's already a cliche before this movie!
    communication lines aren't encrypted or anything?
    klingon lady speaks perfect english with no accent?
    "i had the strangest dream" -scotty
    do scotty and uhura have a thing or does uhura do that with everyone?
    ah so bones had to pull the plug on his dad
    i guess thats the character development
    how does that fit into the movie?
    if spock's dad didn't want to have a half-human baby why did he knock up a human chick??
    this scene tells us a couple of interesting things about our characters,
    including the rift between spock and sarek (later elaborated on in TNG)
    but what's the point of it being in this movie?
    if those scenes didn't happen just now, it would be the same movie otherwise
    might as well not have and keep up the pacing
    that was a nice moment with the wheel "to go where no man has gone before"
    who set up that camera?
    so is "god" reading their minds or has he reached out to people before?
    "excuse me..." amusing tone of voice
    "what does god need with a starship" not that bad the first time you hear it
    "what does god need with a starship" he's obivously not going to answer
    spock: "what does god need with a starship" ok, you should try to get out of there now
    "jim, you don't ask the almighty for his id" ok bones, you can stop now
    admiral hanson is god?!
    what purpose did sybock sacrificing himself serve?
    to relieve the writers of figuring out what to do with him?
    how do you blow up an energy creature?
    "damn you, sir. you will try" go spock!
    oh shit, god's shootin' his lazer beams again
    tie fighter sound effect used for klingon disruptor (?)
    why were the klingons even in this movie?
    comic relief? "my junior officer has something he wants to say to you"
    spock's the gunner? so he just murdered god? DEICIDE HELL YEAH! DEAD BUT DREAMING!
    aw, we're a family, that's cute
    camping again
    row your boat? could they have picked a more lame song?

    recap:

    • Silly scenes
      • rock climbing
      • dancing diversion
      • jail cell
      • turbo shaft
    • fucking rocket boots and using the same almost-crashed-but-stopped-just-in-time twice
    • bad jokes
      • a funny line by mccoy, funny line by spock the rest of the humor fell flat
    • bad sfx in a couple places (as noted) but the rest of the sfx weren't that bad
      • scenes around spacedock were probably reused
    • "character development" digression which give us some backround info (did we know about the rift between spock and sarek before this?) but doesn't factor into the plot at all so are a waste of time with respect to this movie
    • pointless inclusion of klingon antagonist
    • what was that being on the planet?
      • how did it get there?
      • i guess it read their minds to know that they thought he was god?
      • was he imprisoned there behind the Great Barrier Reef?
      • or is he a native of that planet?
      • a totally new planet and a totally new lifeform are discovered and then we learn nothing about it. we might as well not have come

    no, i'm not bothering to check for spellaring



  • @Bort said:

    spock with rocket boots?!

    Rocket boots are the best.

    @Bort said:

    oh cool, david warner's in this

    David Warner is in every movie made from 1975 to about 1992. Every one. Sometimes you have to squint, but believe me, he's there.

    In Quest of the Delta Knights, he's actually in the movie twice (and he talks to himself) and also is the narrator at the same time.

    @Bort said:

    "i knew i wouldn't die because i always knew i would die alone"wtf?

    Also a good line, then a bridge fell on him.

    @Bort said:

    spock has a mechanical marshmellow container that every so slowly ejects said marshmellow

    It's like a portable camping replicator, nothing wrong with that.

    @Bort said:

    everyone has exactly one secret pain? i never understood how that worked

    It's that dude's brainwashing technique. He takes your most painful memory and "takes it away" somehow, and you feel better and follow him.

    @Bort said:

    they can get to the center of the galaxy in 6.7 hours? at warp 7?in voyager, they said that would take like 30 years

    Next Gen retconned either how large the galaxy is, or how fast warp 7 is. Because in the original series (go back and watch it) they DO go both to the center of the galaxy and to its edge during their 5-year-mission.

    @Bort said:

    why is heaven in the center of our galaxy?

    It's not heaven, it's some sort of prison built to contain an evil energy being.

    @Bort said:

    did scotty just get knocked out by walking into a beam at 1.3 miles per hour?

    It's called a joke.

    @Bort said:

    why is the turbo lift shaft so much bigger than the turbo lift?

    So they can fit the cameras in the set, jesus. Shut up about the petty shit.

    @Bort said:

    klingon lady speaks perfect english with no accent?

    We'll fudge it and say the universal translator takes care of that. In Star Trek VI, Uhura is able to trick a Klingon ship, so. Whatever, close enough.

    @Bort said:

    ah so bones had to pull the plug on his dadi guess thats the character developmenthow does that fit into the movie?

    Character development moments like that are what makes the movie great.

    @Bort said:

    what purpose did sybock sacrificing himself serve?

    Distracted the alien so it didn't blow up the Klingon ship with its eye-lasers.

    @Bort said:

    how do you blow up an energy creature?

    The original conception was that he couldn't leave the area with those rib-like stone pillars, but the effects didn't work out because the studio fucked up the scheduling and wasn't able to hire ILM to do them.

    @Bort said:

    why were the klingons even in this movie?

    Are you sure you watched it?

    @Bort said:

    "character development" digression which give us some backround info (did we know about the rift between spock and sarek before this?)

    The Animated Series, believe it or not, has an entire episode about Spock's childhood.

    @Bort said:

    what was that being on the planet?

    Some imprisoned evil energy being. Energy beings are established in Star Trek, as are evil energy beings, as are good energy beings who may decide to imprison one. All established.

    @Bort said:

    i guess it read their minds to know that they thought he was god?

    To display the images? Probably. To draw Sybok there? It's kept open whether the energy being was manipulating him, or whether he was taking some crackpot theory far too seriously.

    BTW of all the things you're bitching about, you didn't bother to question why the Enterprise and Klingon Bird of Prey were able to cross the energy barrier when literally no ship ever had been able to before? They never explain that bit in the movie, as far as I can remember.

    @Bort said:

    was he imprisoned there behind the Great Barrier Reef?
    or is he a native of that planet?
    a totally new planet and a totally new lifeform are discovered and then we learn nothing about it. we might as well not have come

    I think the assumption we're supposed to make is he was imprisoned there, but hey: who knows. Maybe he wasn't. Movies don't have to answer every single question.


  • BINNED

    @blakeyrat said:

    Also a good line, then a bridge fell on him.

    But hey, at least he died on the bridge, like Kirk should! Eh? EH!?

    Fuck Generations with a purple phaser dildo.



  • @blakeyrat said:

    Shut up about the petty shit.

    This just made my day!



  • @blakeyrat said:

    BTW of all the things you're bitching about, you didn't bother to question why the Enterprise and Klingon Bird of Prey were able to cross the energy barrier when literally no ship ever had been able to before? They never explain that bit in the movie, as far as I can remember.

    Yeah, I realized that, but i didn't write it down. i had to write really fast at times. It was a brain dump.

    I'm ignoring the rest of your responses.



  • @blakeyrat said:

    Movies don't have to answer every single question.

    i would appreciate it if they would answer at least one.


  • BINNED

    @Bort said:

    i would appreciate it if they would answer at least one.

    Kirk: What are you doing?
    Spock: I am preparing to toast a marsh melon.
    McCoy: Well, I'll be damned. A marsh melon. Where'd you learn to do that?
    Spock: Before leaving the ship, I consulted the computer library to familiarize myself with the customs associated with "camping out".
    McCoy: Well, tell me, Spock. What do you do after we toast the marsh - er, marsh melons?
    Spock: We consume them.
    McCoy: I know we consume them. I mean after that.
    Spock: Oh. I believe we are required to engage in a ritual known as the sing-a-long.

    I count three just here. All very profound and important, IMHO.



  • @Onyx said:

    >Kirk: What are you doing?
    Spock: I am preparing to toast a marsh melon.
    McCoy: Well, I'll be damned. A marsh melon. Where'd you learn to do that?
    Spock: Before leaving the ship, I consulted the computer library to familiarize myself with the customs associated with "fan fiction".
    McCoy: Well, tell me, Spock. What do you do after we toast the marsh - er, marsh melons?
    Spock: We consume them.
    McCoy: I know we consume them. I mean after that.
    Spock: Oh. I believe we are required to engage in a ritual known as the three way man-pretty gangbang. The only thing missing is a comely looking female newcomer for whom we all feel undeniable affection towards.
    SFX: Transported beam
    Mary-Sue: Here I am!

     


    Filed under: This post can't be empty. Unlike all of Mary-Sue's holes in the next scene.

  • Discourse touched me in a no-no place

    @blakeyrat said:

    Next Gen retconned either how large the galaxy is, or how fast warp 7 is.

    They retconned warp speed. It's on some kind of exponential scale aftwards, where Warp 10 = infinity.



  • @FrostCat said:

    They retconned warp speed.

    Finally ditched metric warp?



  • @FrostCat said:

    They retconned warp speed.

    Possibly.

    @FrostCat said:

    It's on some kind of exponential scale aftwards, where Warp 10 = infinity.

    Nope. Not except the generally-considered Worst Star Trek Episode Ever, Threshold.

    Next Gen mentions ships reaching Warp 13 on several occasions. Threshold ignoring previous world-building is actually one of the (many) things that makes it so awful.



  • @blakeyrat said:

    Worst Star Trek Episode Ever, Threshold.

    Never heard of it, lemme ckeck memory-alpha...

    "I lost my virginity in that room. Seventeen. Parents were away for the weekend."
    "I'll note that in your medical file."

    <dffg>

    "I'm picking up traces of Human DNA... it's them. Although, I have to admit, I'm not sure which one is the Captain."
    "The female, obviously."

    Holy crap, that episode sounds bad. Even by Voyager's low standards...



  • I have the action figure set for it.

    It includes mutant Paris, and 3 of the lizard-babies, and a phaser I think. ... apparently they made an action figure set for each episode, no matter how awful.


  • area_deu

    And then two eco-assholes killed warp travel as we know it.
    THANKS, MISS SUICIDAL BITCH!

    Further reading: http://en.memory-alpha.wikia.com/wiki/Force_of_Nature_(episode)



  • @aliceif said:

    And then two eco-assholes killed warp travel as we know it.THANKS, MISS SUICIDAL BITCH!

    In the Next Gen series finale they don't even mention that, so it's safe to assume they fixed it via. negative space wedgie or something.

    The same way we fixed the ozone layer via banning CFCs and letting Al Gore make documentaries.


  • Discourse touched me in a no-no place

    @boomzilla said:

    Finally ditched metric warp?

    No, TNG retconned it from TOS, and I don't think they ever did it again. G-d only knows what JJ Abrams thought about it, if he did at all.


  • Discourse touched me in a no-no place

    @blakeyrat said:

    Nope. Not except the generally-considered Worst Star Trek Episode Ever, Threshold.

    Next Gen mentions ships reaching Warp 13 on several occasions.

    This contains more than you want to know, but it specifically says that "Plots involving the Enterprise traveling beyond warp 10 were once in the original series (such as warp 14.1 in "That Which Survives"), but for The Next Generation it was decided that these would no longer be featured. A new warp scale was drawn up, with warp factor 10 set as an unattainable maximum." Clearly they decided to break their own rules before Voyager.


  • Discourse touched me in a no-no place

    @aliceif said:

    And then two eco-assholes killed warp travel as we know it.THANKS, MISS SUICIDAL BITCH!

    the unfair summary of that wiki page is "we felt we had to do an 'ecological consequences' story regardless of how stupid it was and how much it damaged the show'".

    There's a suggestion that Voyager's swinging engine pods somehow magically bypassed the problem.



  • Dood.

    It's established in Star Trek TNG that Warp 13 is a thing that exists.

    Fuck Wikipedia right up the ass.


  • Discourse touched me in a no-no place

    @blakeyrat said:

    It's established in Star Trek TNG that Warp 13 is a thing that exists.

    Yeah. Warp 10 was supposed to be the cap. That was the retcon from TOS. and then shitty TNG writers stopped following their own bible. This isn't that hard to understand, I would've thought.



  • @FrostCat said:

    Yeah. Warp 10 was supposed to be the cap. That was the retcon from TOS. and then shitty TNG writers stopped following their own bible. This isn't that hard to understand, I would've thought.

    And Wesley Crusher was supposed to be likable, BUT GUESS WHAT SHIT HAPPENS.

    Point is: no Warp 10 is not the top of the scale, Wikipedia is wrong and so is that dumb episode of Voyager and so is everybody who disagrees with me at all times.


  • Discourse touched me in a no-no place

    @blakeyrat said:

    everybody [is wrong] who disagrees with me at all times.

    Well, I don't disagree with you at all times so I'm not wrong.

    I know you like making your own definitions for things up, but warp ten was supposed to be the top of the scale, and then they just stopped following that rule. I'm not going to bother typing it a different way again, so you just go on being argumentative for the sake of arguing as long as you want.



  • Wesley Crusher was likable. I can relate to his eidetic memory and command of warp field theory and haircut.

    The problem was that none of the adults would listen to him.



  • Y'know what, I think I actually agree with @blakeyrat here. The canon is the corpus and vice versa. Should doesn't mean anything more here than it does anywhere else.<!-- You're still an asshat, you hat rat -->


  • BINNED

    @blakeyrat said:

    the generally-considered Worst Star Trek Episode Ever, Threshold.

    Disagree. The one with the space hedgehog whining about not seeing afterlife is worse.

    The only ST episode I genuinely can't watch all the way through. Threshold I can at least laugh at.


  • Discourse touched me in a no-no place

    @Onyx said:

    The one with the space hedgehog whining about not seeing afterlife is worse.

    Ugh. Must...have...title.


  • BINNED

    There it is. Took some googling because I purged the name from my memory.


  • Discourse touched me in a no-no place

    Oh, that one. I was thinking of TNG for some reason.

    Geez. Maybe he just didn't remember going to heaven, since his body wasn't with him.


  • BINNED

    I don't know, I don't care. If it were a different character, I might have. But if it's Neelix or Harry Kim I don't give a flying fuck.


  • Discourse touched me in a no-no place

    @Onyx said:

    But if it's Neelix or Harry Kim I don't give a flying fuck.

    I'm with you on Harry--so much potential wasted (as is frequently the case with ST). I mostly like Neelix, though.


  • BINNED

    Additional hate reason - apparently, Kim was supposed to leave Voyager when Seven arrived, but the actor ended up on some stupid list of "most desirable bachelors" or something. So, in their infinite wisdom, the producers kept him on for female audiences and got rid of Kes instead. And Kes was just becoming a proper good character at that point!

    Also, apparently, Checkov was brought on-board in TOS to attract more female audience. Go figure.



  • Meh. The recap doesn't sound as bad as the one for Threshold. Very interesting premise, but yeah the audience won't care that much about the hedgehog.


  • Discourse touched me in a no-no place

    Yeah, I read about that last week--apparently Harry's actor was a lush, and they were going to can him for being drunk on the set all the time. It would explain some of why his acting was so bad. It would also explain why his role got reduced so much afterwards--"well, we feel we can't fire you but we can certainly reduce your role down a lot."

    I never liked Kes much, actually, and when I rewatched the show this spring my reasoning was refreshed. So much potential wasted: hack actors, hack writers, lack of a head writer or bible, ugh.

    Stargate Universe, while flawed in its own way (ditto the Battlestar Galactica reboot) was essentially the same show, but much better.


  • BINNED

    @FrostCat said:

    I never liked Kes much, actually

    She was meh in the beginning, but she was getting more interesting just as her run came to an end.

    @FrostCat said:

    So much potential wasted

    How about those Maqui, eh? Boy, what a storyline that was! Too bad you had to tune in to DS9 to get it! (not that DS9 is bad, but the Maqui were invented for Voyager).

    @FrostCat said:

    Stargate Universe, while flawed in its own way (ditto the Battlestar Galactica reboot) was essentially the same show, but much better.

    Farscape. Nuff' said.


  • Discourse touched me in a no-no place

    @Onyx said:

    Farscape. Nuff' said.

    Never watched it. Got a vibe I didn't like from the commercials.


  • BINNED

    You should. It's well made, funny, great practical effects. And it's... alien. Much more than Trek ever was. I'd say they struck a good balance of being alien but still approachable for general audiences by not being too weird, like, for example, Lexx was.



  • @FrostCat said:

    Yeah, I read about that last week--apparently Harry's actor was a lush, and they were going to can him for being drunk on the set all the time. It would explain some of why his acting was so bad. It would also explain why his role got reduced so much afterwards--"well, we feel we can't fire you but we can certainly reduce your role down a lot."

    If that's true than it makes sense but why did they do it to Anthony Montgomery (Travis Mayweather / Helmsman) on ENT? I only watched about a half the episodes, but it looked like by season 3 you barely saw him at all. Sometimes he wasn't even at the helm, they had some no-name flying the ship. It's like they wrote him out of the show but didn't actually fire him.



  • @Onyx said:

    Disagree. The one with the space hedgehog whining about not seeing afterlife is worse.

    Hey, fuck you. I liked that episode. Its major flaw being the large amounts of Chakotay it contained.



  • @FrostCat said:

    Never watched it. Got a vibe I didn't like from the commercials.

    THAT'S why you didn't watch it?

    But yes it has a very "weird" vibe, especially very anti-Star Trek. It's just an act. There's a negative space wedgie in like the third episode.

    It has some episodes that'll stick with you forever. The Way We Weren't, Crackers Don't Matter which is simultaneously the funniest and most disturbing episode somehow, that one where they go back in time at that monastery and accidentally kill all those people but they can't really do anything about it so the episode just kind of ends with this weird awkward feeling...



  • @Onyx said:

    How about those Maqui, eh? Boy, what a storyline that was! Too bad you had to tune in to DS9 to get it! (not that DS9 is bad, but the Maqui were invented for Voyager).

    Maquis**.

    Hey, nobody would ever want to bold part of an italicized word, right?


  • BINNED

    Maquis?

    Oh, you're using Markdown? That's different.


    Filed under: At least they managed not to break that, somehow


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