Car Crash: A Story



  • On Twitter: https://twitter.com/SwiftOnSecurity/status/638559598979379200

    By: @SwiftOnSecurity

    As they glided along the highway, every streetlight transited across her sleeping face, illuminating her every feature in the perfect light.

    Ann stirred, and Jake grabbed her hand. "Almost home, honey." She mumbled, ready for sleep after their engagement party.

    Jake could see their exit, but the car was in the wrong lane. "Cortana, shift lane far right." There was no response. He grabbed the wheel.

    Turning the wheel did nothing, neither the brake. Their car's drive-by-wire system was an illusion of control, and it was failing.

    Alarmed, he decided to take drastic action. "Cortana, cut engine." Nothing.
    "Cortana, cut gas pump." Nothing.
    "Cortana, stop car." Nothing.

    Ann woke and asked what was happening. "Nothing I do has any effect."
    Ann had an idea. "Hold the power button."
    Nothing.
    The car accelerated

    Picking up speed, streetlights became like camera flashes. 100. 120. 150. They raced ahead. Panic set in. "Oh god oh god."

    They quickly gained on a convoy of black Suburbans.


    "Sir, car approaching from rear at high speed."
    Everyone in the car tensed.

    Probably a teen racer, but the men guarding the Secretary of State did not take chances. "Get in in delta formation."


    "I love you Ann"

    In moments, Jake's car positioned and expertly drove itself into the rear quarter panel of the rear Suburban, spinning it out of control.


    "LIGHT THEM UP!"
    The lead and side Suburban slowed, and lowered their windows. MP5s pounded lead into the Accord and its passengers.

    Bullets made the interior of the Accord and its windshield red from blood, but the car aggressively gained on the agents.
    "ITS AUTONOMOUS"

    Before they could aim for the engine, the Accord expertly PITed its second Suburban, and came up behind the Secretary, slamming them.

    The SUV strained to get away, but the Accord was dumping all its fuel into the injectors. It couldn't last. But it didn't need to.

    The last defensive Suburban behind, the Accord's engine was shielded from its small arms fire. It hit the Secretary again. They lost control

    The SUV, plated with armor, was top-heavy. It swerved left and right and left again. It kicked up and began to roll, at 100 mph.


    "Mrs President, the Secretary of State was attacked in his convoy at 3AM in Los Angeles. He's in a coma. They don't expect him to live"

    "My god, who was the attacker?"
    "An Iranian-American, named Jake Shirazi. He has relatives in Ottawa, we're going to interview them now."

    "How did he do it?"
    "He has a history of minor-league racing. He out-maneuvered the Secretary's detail on a highway and caused him to roll."

    "Get me the Secretary's wife on the phone. Where's CNN on this?"
    "It's on Twitter."
    "Do we think this was terrorism?"
    "Yes, Mrs President."


  • area_deu


  • Winner of the 2016 Presidential Election

    The remote control your (Chrysler) car topic is elsewhere, but I am on mobile and that is a barrier to looking it up!

    Filed under : @aliceif has a sonic Youth song to fit a random topic?! Why am I not surprised?



  • We are a long way off from manual overrides going away from cars (and aeroplanes), but eventually, it will happen.

    The most terrifying part of that story is implied Hillary Clinton as the president.



  • @riking said:

    [spoiler]As they glided along the highway, every streetlight transited across her sleeping face, [/spoiler]illuminati[spoiler]ng her every feature in the perfect light.[/spoiler]

    <HALF-LIFE 3 CONFIRMED>



  • @cartman82 said:

    We are a long way off from manual overrides going away from cars (and plains)

    Like this?



  • @Gaska said:

    Like this?

    what the fuck ever



  • So, what's being said is that Google et al. could program their autonomous vehicles to automatically target and take out other cars based e.g. on their register plates? :trolleybus:

    Guess that's another reason to not get on Google's shit list.



  • @cartman82 said:

    The most terrifying part of that story is implied Hillary Clinton as the president.

    I was already deep into dystopian suspension of disbelief at that point, so I naturally read "Mrs President" as Carly Fiorina.


  • area_deu

    Nah, Mrs President was clearly Taylor Swift.



  • @aliceif said:

    Nah, Mrs President was clearly Taylor Swift.

    I thought it was quite obvious the writer meant Sarah Palin.



  • I was waiting for an email joke.

    @cvi said:

    So, what's being said is that Google et al. could program their autonomous vehicles to automatically target and take out other cars based e.g. on their register plates?

    I think it's a warning that if you think current car hacking is bad, wait until your car is run mby MS software.



  • @boomzilla said:

    your car is run my MS software

    You work at Microsoft? Explains few things about Windows.



  • @boomzilla said:

    I think it's a warning that if you think current car hacking is bad, wait until your car is run mby MS software.

    I think my dystopian future where the mega corporations deal with dissidents by having the autonomous cars take the dissidents out makes for a better story.

    (Of course, you can opt for the pro/enterprise version of the autonomous car software, in which case you will be able to disable the automatic assassination system of your MS-car. Users of the home version will have to live with the random detours and delays.)



  • Owners of cars with keyless ignition systems will be confused when the Start button is removed.


  • sockdevs

    IIRC it's already removed in the Tesla?

    I seem to recall that just getting in with the key turns the tesla on?



  • Safety circuits will never go away and can't be overridden with software.


  • area_deu

    That what they want you to think ...



  • @brianw13a said:

    Safety circuits will never go away and can't be overridden with software.

    Hehe...

    https://what.thedailywtf.com/t/safety-we-dont-need-no-stinking-safety/49482?u=boomzilla



  • I don't understand that novelty account. Why the Taylor Swift angle? None of the postings ever sound like, I dunno, song lyrics or anything.



  • @boomzilla said:

    I think it's a warning that if you think current car hacking is bad, wait until your car is run mby MS software.

    That's true of most Fords now.



  • @blakeyrat said:

    That's true of most Fords now.

    Yeah. Mine is. But didn't they stop using Sync in the 2015 model year?



  • Hey, he probably spent a lot of time on [feature with subtle bug] to make sure it does something wrong when you [trigger said bug].



  • They said they were going to.

    Since my car can't be upgraded (boo) I haven't bothered checking or caring.



  • @accalia said:

    turns the tesla on

    :giggity:



  • @riking said:

    The SUV strained to get away, but the Accord was dumping all its fuel into the injectors. It couldn't last. But it didn't need to.

    This upsets me, they obviously know nothing about cars. This would simply make the mixture too rich and reduce power output. Despite what any ricer teenager will tell you, there is no way to make an unmodded, 4cyl honda engine make more than roughly 180 HP. Meanwhile, SUVs like that used for VIPs often have massive engines with turbochargers and aggressive tuning to prevent exactly this situation.


  • area_deu

    But VTEC!


  • Discourse touched me in a no-no place

    This is a dead ringer for a scene in my novella about the 2024 election, except my grasp on pursuit and escort driving are better (I've been trained in both) as well as driving dynamics and mechanics. This happens when you let a low tier racing driver write fiction.



  • V-TAK JUST KICKED IN YO

    Benefit of the doubt, 6cyl accord, still stuck at at most 280 HP. Even the Crown Vic police interceptor could push 400 IIRC


  • Discourse touched me in a no-no place

    The Crown Vic Police Interceptor never shipped with more than 250hp. Source: It's my preferred racing platform.

    You can get maybe 300 with moderate modification, but you quickly run out of headroom. Starting with the similar 300hp 4 valve engine that shipped in the Mercury Marauder gets you a bit more, but there isn't much in the way of aftermarket for those.

    There have been a bare handful of 400hp Crown Vics in total, and I know the guys that have done it. One of their cars became my race chassis (it now makes a rather peaceful 190hp)

    This is contrary to the depiction in the Need For Speed series of an infinitely powerful infinitely fast car. Because it needs to keep up with hyper cars for game balance reasons.



  • I thought the police interceptor variant was different? Oh well, obviously I did not remember correctly. :facepalm: Don't know what I was thinking. Still no chance an unmodified accord is keeping pace with a government security detail SUV

    Also, I don't play the need for speed games, for exactly that stated reason


  • Discourse touched me in a no-no place

    It is different, actually. The regular ones are just even worse.

    And security detail SUVs tend to be unmodified in domestic service. High end means high maintenance, and breaking down is not recommended.

    Uparmored ones only get extra power to haul around extra weight. Making them faster makes them more dangerous because armoring them raises the center of gravity.

    Bespoke insanities like The Beast excepted.



  • I wasn't implying supercar levels, just that they wouldn't have trouble outrunning a bog standard accord



  • @boomzilla said:

    I think it's a warning that if you think current car hacking is bad, wait until your car is run by MS software.

    Gives a whole new meaning to crashing



  • ba-dum-tiss :rolleyes:



  • @mrguyorama said:

    :rimshot: :rolleyes:

    ETFY<ICYDKATO>



  • I don't know about any of them, these kids and their new fangled pictures with smiley faces!


  • Grade A Premium Asshole

    @mrguyorama said:

    there is no way to make an unmodded, 4cyl honda engine make more than roughly 180 HP

    Ahem



  • The TIL thread is :arrows:.



  • :rofl:

    I've been pretty damn shown. It's the redline that does it, as you can see by the measily 140ft lb of torque. Still, not catching that SUV


  • Grade A Premium Asshole

    @mrguyorama said:

    measily 140ft lb of torque

    There's no replacement for displacement.

    Paging @RaceProUK to come in and mention: superchargers, turbochargers, nitrous oxide, etc.

    Paging @Polygeekery to point out that all of those things will make higher power gains on larger displacement engines.

    Paging @RaceProUK to mention 4-valve European engines that put out more power per liter than our brutish American powerplants.

    Paging @Polygeekery to tell @RaceProUK to fuck off.


    Filed under: That should take care of it.



  • Not if there is a little flashing message stating that unused icons have been removed from your desktopcontrols have been removed from your dashboard



  • Bugger! :hanzo: :rofl:


  • sockdevs

    @Polygeekery said:

    There's no replacement for displacement.

    Paging @RaceProUK to come in and mention: superchargers, turbochargers, nitrous oxide, etc.

    Paging @Polygeekery to point out that all of those things will make higher power gains on larger displacement engines.

    Paging @RaceProUK to mention 4-valve European engines that put out more power per liter than our brutish American powerplants.

    Paging @Polygeekery to tell @RaceProUK to fuck off.


    Filed under: That should take care of it.


    Wow… that's quite the pre-emptive :hanzo:


    Internal Server Error your arse Duckhorse!


  • Grade A Premium Asshole

    @RaceProUK said:

    Wow… that's quite the pre-emptive :hanzo:

    I saw how that was going to play out at the precise moment I typed the first response. ;)



  • @cartman82 said:

    The most terrifying part of that story is implied Hillary Clinton as the president.

    Actually, it was implying Taylor Swift as the president.

    edit :hanzo: https://what.thedailywtf.com/t/car-crash-a-story/50880/10?u=riking


  • Discourse touched me in a no-no place

    2015 Accord, 4cyl CVT

    7.7 seconds 0-60, 16sec@89mph quarter mile.

    2015 Suburban 2wd
    7.5 seconds 0-60, 15.7@92mph quarter mile.
    4wd is marginally faster, but not meaningfully.

    Functionally, these cars are the same speed. If the Accord is overtaking at the outset, the Suburban ain't going to get away.


  • Discourse touched me in a no-no place

    @Weng said:

    Functionally, these cars are the same speed. If the Accord is overtaking at the outset, the Suburban ain't going to get away.

    If this was Secret Service, I'd've expected maybe the second, but at least the third car, to take out the Accord. Maybe not for Shrillary, though.


  • Discourse touched me in a no-no place

    Oh, well yeah. If we're going to go to actual tactics, the whole scenario is just fucked TV-fiction.

    A properly executed PIT rotates the target car over 90 degrees in front of the aggressor car so that the aggressor car is pushing the target sideways. On TV action cop shows, you never see this because it's actually pretty boring. On TV cop reality shows, you never see this because most cops are fucking garbage at it*. The purpose of this manuever isn't to cause a crash, it's to bring both the aggressor and the target to a halt in a controlled manner. By using the target as a brake.

    A trailing escort driver, faced with that scenario, is supposed to help the process along and use the mass of their vehicle to drop anchor on the aggressor. An aggressor with a 5000lb SUV crawling up their hood isn't going to make it to the next vehicle up the convoy.

    Of course, by allowing the aggressor vehicle to get into that position in the first place, they've already fucked up.

    *It's a high risk trick to teach. Done properly the pursuit car has little to no damage. Done improperly you're headed to the body shop. The school I learned at has two cars specifically modified to teach it (one aggressor and one target), and despite having armor plates in the appropriate places they've both been bent, unbent, cut, welded, hacked and patched so many times it's scary. The secret service trains at the same place.


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