The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨

[rad131304]

@cartman82 said:

At least end it with Pope raping the little girl, for Christ's sake.

That's the inappropriate jokes thread which is

[JBert]

@tarunik said:

@Maciejasjmj said:

"This is your captain speaking" - says the voice. - "We're currently on a collision course with the ground, our engines are down, and we have to evacuate.

Pft. A real captain can fly a reasonable approximation to an ILS glideslope in an outsized ersatz glider -- the FPA for Sully's splashdown in the Hudson was 3.4°, and that was without much airspeed or altitude to play with (NTSB AAR-10-03, p.48/PDF p.65). For an "enjoying the trip, reading newspapers, and drinking coffee" scenario, you're at cruse airspeed and altitude or nearly so, and that's much more energy to turn into landing options and flight path control.

How dare you bring pedantry to a joke fight!

Enjoy your whoosh

[HardwareGeek]

@Polygeekery said:

Trying to give @abarker and @HardwareGeek an aneurysm

My brain auto-corrected it. I didn't even notice until I saw your quote with the misuse italicized.

[redwizard]

@FrostCat said:

Oh, look, they moved the count to the other side of the poll instead of fixing bugs!

bad joke, right there.

[HardwareGeek]

@JBert said:

How dare you bring pedantry to a joke fight!

Enjoy your whoosh

I disagree. I have no reason to believe he whooshed; rather, I believe he was completely aware that it was a joke — this is explicitly a joke topic, after all. Pedantry is always appropriate, even in response to a joke (especially a bad one) to explain why things wouldn't really happen that way. Flagged, too, but for pedantry, not whoosh.

[redwizard]

@swayde said:

A: I'm going to kill all the Jews and one clown.
B: why the clown?
A: [spoiler] see nobody cares about the Jews[/spoiler]

You know, liking this...sends mixed signals...no. Just...NO.

INB4: Too serious to get the joke.

[Polygeekery]

@HardwareGeek said:

My brain auto-corrected it. I didn't even notice until I saw your quote with the misuse italicized.

Your pendantry skill is slipping.

[abarker]

@HardwareGeek said:

My brain auto-corrected it. I didn't even notice until I saw your quote with the misuse italicized.

I invoke the right to grant a demerit against your pedantic spellar/gramming nazi badges!

I can be bought off.

[CoyneTheDup]

One I got involved with today...

A font walks into a bar. The bartender yells, "Hey! We don't serve your type in here!" Then he called the serif.

---

Too bad the bartender didn't know it was a font of wisdom.

[Buddy]

Old lady walks into a post office, the clerk asks why there's jelly and sponge in her one ear, fruit and custard in the other?

“You'll have to speak up, dearie, I'm a trifle deaf.”

[Mikael_Svahnberg]

Ok then. My mother taught me this one:

What's the difference between a woman in a church and a woman having a bath?

[spoiler] a woman in a church has hope in her soul. A woman having a bath has soap in her hole. [/spoiler]

[Jaloopa]

So a guy walks into a bar one day and he can’t believe his eyes. There, in the corner, there’s this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano.

So the guy asks the bartender, “Where’d he come from?”

And the bartender’s, like, “There’s a genie in the men’s room who grants wishes.”

So the guy runs into the men’s room and, sure enough, there’s this genie. And the genie’s, like, “Your wish is my command.” So the guy’s, like, “O.K., I wish for world peace.” And there’s this big cloud of smoke—and then the room fills up with geese.

So the guy walks out of the men’s room and he’s, like, “Hey, bartender, I think your genie might be hard of hearing.”

And the bartender’s, like, “No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?”

So the guy processes this. And he’s, like, “Does that mean you wished for a twelve-inch penis?”

And the bartender’s, like, “Yeah. Why, what did you wish for?”

And the guy’s, like, “World peace.”

So the bartender is understandably ashamed.

And the guy orders a beer, like everything is normal, but it’s obvious that something has changed between him and the bartender.

And the bartender’s, like, “I feel like I should explain myself further.”

And the guy’s, like, “You don’t have to.”

But the bartender continues, in a hushed tone. And he’s, like, “I have what’s known as penile dysmorphic disorder. Basically, what that means is I fixate on my size. It’s not that I’m small down there. I’m actually within the normal range. Whenever I see it, though, I feel inadequate.”

And the guy feels sorry for him. So he’s, like, “Where do you think that comes from?”

And the bartender’s, like, “I don’t know. My dad and I had a tense relationship. He used to cheat on my mom, and I knew it was going on, but I didn’t tell her. I think it’s wrapped up in that somehow.”

And the guy’s, like, “Have you ever seen anyone about this?”

And the bartender’s, like, “Oh, yeah, I started seeing a therapist four years ago. But she says we’ve barely scratched the surface.”

So, at around this point, the twelve-inch pianist finishes up his sonata. And he walks over to the bar and climbs onto one of the stools. And he’s, like, “Listen, I couldn’t help but overhear the end of your conversation. I never told anyone this before, but my dad and I didn’t speak the last ten years of his life.”

And the bartender’s, like, “Tell me more about that.” And he pours the pianist a tiny glass of whiskey.

And the twelve-inch pianist is, like, “He was a total monster. Beat us all. Told me once I was an accident.”

And the bartender’s, like, “That’s horrible.”

And the twelve-inch pianist shrugs. And he’s, like, “You know what? I’m over it. He always said I wouldn’t amount to anything, because of my height? Well, now look at me. I’m a professional musician!”

And the pianist starts to laugh, but it’s a forced kind of laughter, and you can see the pain behind it. And then he’s, like, “When he was in the hospital, he had one of the nurses call me. I was going to go see him. Bought a plane ticket and everything. But before I could make it back to Tampa . . .”

And then he starts to cry. And he’s, like, “I just wish I’d had a chance to say goodbye to my old man.”

And all of a sudden there’s this big cloud of smoke—and a beat-up Plymouth Voyager appears!

And the pianist is, like, “I said ‘old man,’ not ‘old van’!”

And everybody laughs. And the pianist is, like, “Your genie’s hard of hearing.”

And the bartender says, “No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?”

And as soon as the words leave his lips he regrets them. Because the pianist is, like, “Oh, my God. You didn’t really want me.”

And the bartender’s, like, “No, it’s not like that.” You know, trying to backpedal.

And the pianist smiles ruefully and says, “Once an accident, always an accident.” And he drinks all of his whiskey.

And the bartender’s, like, “Brian, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.”

And the pianist smashes his whiskey glass against the wall and says, “Well, I didn’t mean that.”

And the bartender’s, like, “Whoa, calm down.”

And the pianist is, like, “Fuck you!” And he’s really drunk, because he’s only one foot tall and so his tolerance for alcohol is extremely low. And he’s, like, “Fuck you, asshole! Fuck you!”

And he starts throwing punches, but he’s too small to do any real damage, and eventually he just collapses in the bartender’s arms.

And suddenly he has this revelation. And he’s, like, “My God, I’m just like him. I’m just like him.” And he starts weeping.

And the bartender’s, like, “No, you’re not. You’re better than he was.”

And the pianist is, like, “That’s not true. I’m worthless!”

And the bartender grabs the pianist by the shoulders and says, “Damn it, Brian, listen to me! My life was hell before you entered it. Now I look forward to every day. You’re so talented and kind and you light up this whole bar. Hell, you light up my whole life. If I had a second wish, you know what it would be? It would be for you to realize how beautiful you are.”

And the bartender kisses the pianist on the lips.

So the guy, who’s been watching all this, is surprised, because he didn’t know the bartender was gay. It doesn’t bother him; it just catches him off guard, you know? So he goes to the bathroom, to give them a little privacy. And there’s the genie.

So the guy’s, like, “Hey, genie, you need to get your ears fixed.”

And the genie’s, like, “Who says they’re broken?” And he opens the door, revealing the happy couple, who are kissing and gaining strength from each other.

And the guy’s, like, “Well done.”

And then the genie says, “That bartender’s tiny penis is going to seem huge from the perspective of his one-foot-tall boyfriend.”

And the graphic nature of the comment kind of kills the moment.

And the genie’s, like, “I’m sorry. I should’ve left that part unsaid. I always do that. I take things too far.”

And the guy’s, like, “Don’t worry about it. Let’s just grab a beer. It’s on me.”

[Boner]

Two nuns in the shower, one says "where's the soap"? The other replies "it does, doesn't it".

I was young and innocent when I first heard this and asked my mother to explain it to me. Which she did

Also:

What's pink and wrinkley and hangs out your underpants?

[spoiler]Your Mum[/spoiler]

[ijij]

@KillaCoder said:

From the context of the show, I think it just means a good, law abiding person being pushed to the breaking point and becoming a criminal/bad person

(sorry for delay replying - went home, slept, etc...)

That's what I gathered, but then Blakey made it sound all interesting and stuff...

I figured there was some weird drug reference or triple-entendre that the average-joe man-on-the-street living a life of quiet desperation would have missed.

But no. (apparently)

Less entendre than my youngest kid's jokes about "logs" and "piles"...

---

Filed under: I'm Kickstarting: "Breaking IV: Atomic Rankling"... anybody in?

[PJH]

@CoyneTheDup said:

A font walks into a bar. The bartender yells, "Hey! We don't serve your type in here!" Then he called the serif.

pea-roast:

[ijij]

@blakeyrat said:

It's "Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo" and that is obviously just a made-up word.

Goddamned. Do your research on trash cinema movie titles before posting here, sheesh.

Not that it matters, but I'm guessing you hate crossword puzzles?

---

Filed udner: Fat-fingered "boogaloo"

[ijij]

@boomzilla said:

Yes, obviously, since it's clearly related Boogie (as a dancing thing).

But some of us have been accused of dancing like bugs.... so I take ownership of my typo.

[svieira]

A young man was getting ready to take his sweetheart out to a dance. He had a few errands to run.

First, he had to acquire a corsage - he went to the flower shop and there was a long line. He waited, and waited, and waited but he finally got the flowers. Next, he had to get the limo - he called around and found a place, but he listened to hold music in one long phone queue after another while looking. Then he went out to the tailor's to rent a tuxedo. There was a barber shop convention in town so the tailor was very busy, but the boy waited in line until he saw the tailor and he was able to rent a nice suit.

Finally, the big night came. He picked up his date and stood in line with her family while they snapped picture after picture. They drove in the limo to a lovely restaurant, where they enjoyed a scrumptious meal (the line was a little long though). They made it to the dance fashionably late and danced, and danced, and danced. Then, after one dance his date asked if he could get her a drink. He went over to the punch bowl and there is no punch line.

[Yamikuronue]

[loopback0]

A boiled egg and a slice of toast walk into a bar.

[spoiler]The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast".[/spoiler]

[Buddy]

This joke is about two self-conscious people. One has a big nose and—I guess this joke must be set in like the twentieth century or something, because—the other has a wooden eye. So after psyching themselves up for it well into middle-age, they both work up the courage to go to a ball. The same ball, obviously. It's not till very late in the evening that he's able to voice a very timid “would you like to dance”, and she responds with a very enthusiastic—probably too enthusiastic—“Would I‽”, which prompts him to yell “Big nose! Big nose!” and run off crying.

[PJH]

Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day.

Give a dog a toffee and you'll piss yourself for half an hour.

[PJH]

If I'm not mistaken, Tipp-Ex is pretty useless.

[PJH]

English is weird.

It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

[HardwareGeek]

@PJH said:

through tough, thorough thought, though.

FTFY. (It's a bit tough to see just what that is with the <ins> underline; it's a comma.)

http://www.grammarmudge.cityslide.com/board/board_topic/3845648/1159442.htm

When two consecutive adjectives modify the same noun, separate the adjectives with a comma.

[loopback0]

@PJH said:

If I'm not mistaken, Tipp-Ex is pretty useless.

That took me longer than it should have done to get it.
More caffeine required.

[Jaloopa]

I bought a gallon of Tipp-Ex the other day.

Big mistake

filed under:For the benefit of Americans, I believe you call Tipp-Ex Whiteout

[Magus]

Make a man a fire, he'll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

(Though, considering where I first heard that and my response, I feel rather awful for putting it here. But whatever, you must feel like Mario, because you just got 1upped!)

[accalia]

@Magus said:

warm for a day.

that's a really big fire then. either that or you stuck around to keep adding fuel to it periodically.

most wood fires (in a firepit/fireplace) would go out in between 2 and 6 hours depending on the type of wood, how dry it is, how you laid it, etc.

of course if you were careful how you arranged the fuel you could get it to burn for a lot longer than a day too. there's one we know about that's been burning for approximately 6000 years

[Magus]

Sorry, it must be done:

Glorious exposition, comerade!

[accalia]

@Magus said:

Glorious exposition, comerade!

:-\

exposition? damn that was not what i was aiming for.

[ijij]

'd for not wood.

TIL - even more ways that Australia is trying to kill it's inhabitants

---

Filed under: INB4 comparing Discourse to a coal seam fire.

[Magus]

'Sugoi monogatari, aneki!'?

I mean, I could put it in normal form, but I assume you haven't wooshed that badly.

Or, more likely, at all.

[HardwareGeek]

@Jaloopa said:

I believe you call Tipp-Ex Whiteout

Thank you. I had NFC what you talking about (but decided that whatever it was, bad jokes aren't important enough to Google).

[boomzilla]

@accalia said:

of course if you were careful how you arranged the fuel you could get it to burn for a lot longer than a day too.

Not 6000 years, but:

[ijij]

Also a coal fire in Centralia, PA

From Wikipedia:
In 1979, locals became aware of the scale of the problem when a gas-station owner and then mayor, John Coddington, inserted a dipstick into one of his underground tanks to check the fuel level. When he withdrew it, it seemed hot, so he lowered a thermometer down on a string and was shocked to discover that the temperature of the gasoline in the tank was 172 °F

TIL: America is trying to kill it's inhabitants, too.

[HardwareGeek]

@Magus said:

I assume you haven't wooshed that badly.

Ignoring an obvious joke in order to be pedantic about some other aspect of a post is NOT a whoosh!

@Magus said:

Or, more likely, at all.

Oh, carry on then.

[Magus]

But perhaps not all killing, all inhabitants, all the time.

[Luhmann]

@ijij said:

America is trying to kill it's inhabitants

But it fails miserably when compared to Australia

[boomzilla]

@Luhmann said:

But it fails miserably when compared to Australia

America probably kills more in a month than Australia does in a year.

[Luhmann]

@boomzilla said:

America probably kills more in a month than Australia does in a year.

Citation?

[boomzilla]

@Luhmann said:

Citation?

Extrapolation from ~320M+ vs ~20M population.

[RaceProUK]

Population of the US: ~319 million.
Population of Australia: ~23 million.

I think it's a reasonable claim, based purely on the law of averages

d

[Boner]

What stands in a field and goes "Oooooh!"?

A cow with no lips.

[NedFodder]

what do you call a man with no arms and legs on the floor?

[spoiler]Mat[/spoiler]

what do you call a man with no arms and legs nailed to the wall?

[spoiler]Art[/spoiler]

what do you call a man with no arms and legs in a pool?

[spoiler]Bob[/spoiler]

[Boner]

What do you call a man with a spade on his head?

[spoiler] Doug [/spoiler]

What do you call a man with oil coming out his head?

[spoiler] Derek [/spoiler]

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

[spoiler] Cliff [/spoiler]

What do you call a man without a spade on his head?

[spoiler] Douglas [/spoiler]

[dkf]

What do you call a man with a paper bag on his head?

[spoiler]Russell[/spoiler]

[Jaloopa]

What do you call a man who's always on the toilet?

[spoiler]John[/spoiler]

[Masaaki_Hosoi]

[size=10]here's a really bad one.[/size]

A horse walks into a bar.
Several people got up and left as they noticed the potential danger in the situation.

[PJH]

@NedFodder said:

what do you call a man with no arms and legs in a pool?

[spoiler]Bob[/spoiler]

what do you call a man with no arms and legs but can swim from one end of the pool to the other?

[spoiler]Clever Dick[/spoiler]