The bad jokes topic 🐴🍹👨


  • Discourse touched me in a no-no place

    I don't think we have one of these yet, do we? Here's one I just saw:

    "Is there a term for when you think a girl is really hot, until you find out that she's vegan?"
    "That's called a Butter Diet."

    <!-- That's a butterface-derived joke joke -->


  • Ever had sex while camping?

    It's fucking intents.


  • ♿

    Why did the chicken cross the road?

    I have no idea.



  • @FrostCat said:

    "That's called a Butter Diet."

    it may work on vegans, sure, but to be fair you could say the same about any overweight woman you would potentially find attractive given weight loss. I'm sure there's some kind of male equivalent, but I'm too lazy to google it.


  • Discourse touched me in a no-no place

    Whoooooooosh!



  • MURDER AT WALMART

    Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her KILLED.

    A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'

    Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

    The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

    Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.

    Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

    A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store.

    There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands.

    As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene.

    Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

    However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.

    Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.

    Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

    The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...

    (You're Going to hate me for this...)

    'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WAL-MART!'



  • This one was doing the rounds in the office yesterday:

    Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

    However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

    MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

    The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

    The scientific conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say "Cah", none could say "Truck."



  • After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me.

    She said, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."

    "Fair enough," I replied, groping her breasts.



  • How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

    One. They're efficient and not very funny.



  • Let ɛ < 0


  • BINNED

    Why did the cat fall off the roof?

    It didn't have enough mu



  • This is the one I'm regularly putting below Physics exams in Mechanics:

    "My Physics teacher said I had potential - then he pushed me off a building."


  • sockdevs

    @Rhywden said:

    Let ɛ < 0

    Hmm... I'm not familiar with that particular mathematical constant.


    What's a programmers' favourite pub?

    The Progress Bar.

    *crickets*

    *noms crickets*



  • @RaceProUK said:

    Hmm... I'm not familiar with that particular mathematical constant.

    It's not a constant, it's a boundary condition for convergence. When a convergent sequence has a limit S, then there has to be a number inside the sequence at some point for which the difference between this number and the limit S is smaller than ɛ.


    The three rings of marriage:

    The promise ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.


  • ♿

    A day late, but...



  • Two guys walk into a house.

    ... You'd think at least one of them would have spotted it.



  • Also for various other purposes, such as continuous functions. A function $f$ is continuous if:

    $$\forall\epsilon>0\exists\delta>0: |x-x'|<\delta\implies|f(x)-f(x')|<\epsilon$$


  • Discourse touched me in a no-no place

    @PleegWat said:

    $$\forall\epsilon>0\exists\delta>0: |x-x'|<\delta\implies|f(x)-f(x')|<\epsilon$$

    ITYM: ∀ε>0 ∃δ>0 : |x-xʹ|<δ ⇒ |f(x)-f(xʹ)| < ε

    That looks a bit rubbish in this font.



  • There was an ad in the newspaper announcing a pun contest, where the best pun would win a hefty prize. A man, reading the ad, noticed that there was no entry limit. So, he sent ten entries in order to improve the chance that at least one of his puns would win. Unfortunately for him, no pun in ten did.



  • @PleegWat said:

    Also for various other purposes, such as continuous functions.

    Strictly speaking, that would "only" be an extension :)



  • A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"

    "Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."

    "What are the three tests?" asks the man

    "Gotta pay first."

    So the guy gives him the $10 bucks, and the bartender adds it to the jar.

    "OK, here's what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila -- the WHOLE thing at once -- and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."

    "Well, I know I've paid my $10 bucks," says the man, "but I'm not an idiot. No wonder you've collected so much money -- that's impossible!"

    The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets up his nerve.

    "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" he slurs.

    He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside -- barking, yelping and growling, then silence.

    Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body.

    "NOW," he says, "wherez at ol' lady with the sore tooth?"



  • Discourse.



  • Did you hear about the magic tractor?

    It turned into a field.



  • I used to be really interested in tractors, I'd know all the different types, even owned a few. But I gradually lost interest over time, and found new hobbies. You could say I'm an ex-tractor fan.



  • @dkf said:

    @PleegWat said:
    $$\forall\epsilon>0\exists\delta>0: |x-x'|<\delta\implies|f(x)-f(x')|<\epsilon$$

    ITYM: ∀ε>0 ∃δ>0 : |x-xʹ|<δ ⇒ |f(x)-f(xʹ)| < ε

    That looks a bit rubbish in this font.

    Yeah, but I don't know compose combinations for most of that and I was too lazy to use the character map. So I decided to wait for someone else to have spare time.



  • How do you make Holy water?

    Boil the hell out of it.


  • sockdevs

    What do you get when you combine carbon, oxygen, titanium, and einsteinium?

    COOTiEs


  • sockdevs

    @RaceProUK said:

    What do you get when you combine carbon, oxygen, titanium, and einsteinium?

    COOTiEs


    What do you get when you add sulphur, erbium, and vanadium to the mix?

    SErVEr COOTiEs


  • BINNED

    Do we need a Breaking Bad style logo for the site now?

    No, not it!


  • ♿

    @Onyx said:

    Do we need a Breaking Bad style logo for the site now?

    Only if someone comes up with a Breaking Bad style story for the origins of Discourse.


  • sockdevs

    /me muses over the idea, then reaches for pen and paper


  • sockdevs

    *secretly takes a picture*



  • I did a thing:


  • BINNED

    There's a sausage and an egg in a frying pan. The sausage says "warm in here isn't it?". The egg freaks out "Oh my god, a talking sausage!"



  • Three hard of hearing women on a bench:

    First one: "It sure is windy today."

    Second one: "It's not Wednesday, it's Thursday."

    Third one: "I'm thirsty, too. Let's go get a drink!"


  • Discourse touched me in a no-no place

    Two snowmen in the garden.

    One says t'other "Can you smell carrots?"


  • BINNED

    Two fish in a tank. One says to the other "Do you know how to drive this?


    Two parrots on a perch. One says "Can you smell fish?"

  • Discourse touched me in a no-no place

    Two cows in a field, one cow looks at the other cow and says "moo."

    The other cow looks back and says "I was just going to say that"


  • ♿

    linux hardware



  • Because I refuse to copy it here, for obvious reasons.

    (And the slightly less obvious reason that my office blocks it :/)


  • sockdevs

    That's no joke… it's a short novel!
    <So, how many will get the reference I'm making?



  • Oh, it's a joke. Every bit of it is simply buildup to the punchline. I'll admit, I skimmed through paragraphs in the final 1/5, but it was certainly a good bad joke.



  • Pink Ping-Pong Balls is the longest joke in the world, although it varies by who's telling it.



  • I've heard a variant of that, but that variant had far fewer paragraphs.



  • I did a Boy Scout camp where one of the scout masters told Pink Ping-Pong Balls over 5 nights, probably an hour a night. It was epic.



  • From what I remember, longestjokeintheworld.com was created as an experiment to see how far various people could get without skipping anything. It has long, repetitive, boring bits as a result.


  • sockdevs

    Two muffins are baking in an oven.

    One turns to the other and says "Man it's hot in here"

    the other shouts "OH MY GODDESS! A TALKING MUFFIN!"


  • Discourse touched me in a no-no place

    Banned from Walmart - Didn't like shopping there anyway

    Yesterday I was at my local Walmart buying a large bag of Dog Chow food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

    What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Chow Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

    I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Dog Chow nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

    (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was now enthralled with my story.)

    Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.

    I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

    I'm now banned from Walmart.

    Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.


  • BINNED

    @PJH said:

    Better watch what you ask, retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

    I don't think that comma should be there, should it?


  • Discourse touched me in a no-no place

    @Onyx said:

    I don't think that comma should be there, should it?

    Hmm - removed. Depends on whether you think

    • the woman was retired as well, and it's talking about her doing the asking
    • it's about the teller being asked.

    Probably the latter, so the comma gets removed.


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