I think they want to hire someone - but what for?
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Seen on our internal vacancies board:
A new position has arisen to lead a team of consultants delivering Systems Engineering solutions for customers. Reporting directly to the Board, the Director of Systems will be expected to provide high calibre Systems Engineering expertise to identify and satisfy customer needs. He/she will have a broad remit to ensure business stream sustainability by developing the team, expanding its market presence and developing the capability. He/she will be required to meet business stream targets and contribute to the development of company-wide capability.
The successful candidate will have excellent business acumen and business development skills with a strong appreciation of systems engineering tools and techniques. He/she will hold a first degree in an appropriate technical discipline and have a minimum of five years experience of systems engineering, analysis or architecture design. Study to Master’s level in an appropriate discipline would be an advantage.
Excellent reasoning, problem solving and communication skills are essential, as is the ability to work closely with colleagues from other technical and management disciplines to provide innovative and efficient solutions to client problems.
This is an excellent opportunity to play a key role in this expanding business, with opportunities to progress further within the [groupname] group of companies.
Is it just me, or does the above say precisely nothing?
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It may as well say
WANTED: Someone who can deliver enterprisey systems by working with a team of people far more qualified.
It seems to me that a job description like that is what leads to the many WTFs we enjoy daily
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Actually, the job description does say one thing, buried in all of that corporate BS.
It's the self-contradicting part: "Excellent business acumen and business development skills with an appreciation of (development)"...but they want a technical degree!
So basically, the ideal candidate isn't desired and the desired candidate isn't ideal.
Which means it's one of those fast tracks to being first in line for layoffs.
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The company (which I don't work for directly - they're elsewhere in the same group) does management consultancy and process managementy stuff (as far as I can tell, reading through all the waffle) for defence projects.
So rather than advertising for a programmer, I think they're actually after something akin to a project manager for managing non-IT projects, but really I have no idea...
I know that when I stumbled into one of their meetings in our office (we're in central London and so our office gets used a lot by other companies in the group for meetings etc) I heard more buzzwords in 30 seconds than I'd heard in the 3 years I've been at this place. They'd covered a world map in post-it notes to the point where you couldn't actually work out which part of the world the map was centred upon.
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sounds like they want to pay someone a lot of money to be a business analyst.
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This WTF doesn't seem so bad if you look at the sumbission in context, particularly the first paragraph which pretty much explains what the position involves (google the first line).
It is pretty loaded with gobbledygook though!
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They know who they want for the job but company policy requires that they post the job listing anyway.
What they really wanted to say was "The successful candidate will have a last name beginning with "S" and ending with "mith" and will have five years experience reporting directly to the previous Director of Systems." But one of the lawyers caught it in time.
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I would suspect that they want a techie with some business acumen, and the ability to both understand and spout bullshit/propoganda/marketing/doublespeak as necessary.
In particular, It seems like they want someone who they can put in charge of a development team on an org chart, say to them "Ok, go make some money for us," and get "Will do!" as both the response and the result.
Kind of like how women want a smart, funny guy with a great sense of humor that treats them like a princess but isn't afraid to get a little down and dirty.
You know who I'm talking about.
The Mythical Man. And they want to hire him within a month.
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A new position has arisen to lead a team of consultants delivering Burgers and Fries for customers. Reporting directly to the Board, the Director of Burgers and Fries will be expected to provide high calibre Burgers and Fries expertise to identify and satisfy customer needs. He/she will have a broad remit to ensure business stream sustainability by developing the team, expanding its market presence and developing the capability. He/she will be required to meet business stream targets and contribute to the development of company-wide capability.
The successful candidate will have excellent business acumen and business development skills with a strong appreciation of Burgers and Fries tools and techniques. He/she will hold a first degree in an appropriate technical discipline and have a minimum of five years experience of Burgers and Fries, analysis or architecture design. Study to Master’s level in an appropriate discipline would be an advantage.
Excellent reasoning, problem solving and communication skills are essential, as is the ability to work closely with colleagues from other technical and management disciplines to provide innovative and efficient solutions to client problems.
This is an excellent opportunity to play a key role in this expanding business, with opportunities to progress further within the [groupname] group of companies.
