Writer search - Algorythmics' sexy submission.

  • Continuing the discussion from The Daily WTF Wants Writers...Again!:

    As my submission got the "it's not super mean" seal of approval, I feel cool with posting it now (I was probably going to post it either way, but I left it a day anyway).

    So, here it is:

    Like a ninja in the night, Hanz M., AKA Hanzo, stalks across Hesse University’s Dresden campus. The go-to man in the IT department, he fixes the messes that others leave behind. These are his stories.

    It was a cold winter day, and Hanzo had a job to do. As humanity's last line of defence against the darkness, he had to use his IT ninja powers for the good of all. Toda, he journeyed again to the shores of America, where a computer had lost control of the daemons within, and it was only a matter of time before they escaped to wreak havok.

    Hanzo knew whatever he did must leave no trace, no mark, no suspicion. All of this Hanzo knew, but he was not concerned, for he was a ninja. No footfall would be heard, and no shell command would be logged. An IT ninja is fluent in the language of stealth in all things.

    As he stalked the frosted streets of Cincinnati, he prepared his plan of action. It was national "thanks for roasting me a really dry fowl" day, as directly translated from Hanzo's mother tongue. This would give him ample opportunity for stealth access to the computer, while Mark was working in the kitchen to keep that bird as dry as possible.

    When Hanzo arrived, he found that the Daemons - in their search for escape - had destroyed most of the operating system; Hanzo knew he didn't have much time. Maybe hours, if they hit a long string of ones on the hard disk, but more likely minutes. His carefully thought out had to go out the window, he needed to destroy these daemons immediately, and he didn't have time to do it without leaving a trace.

    Hanzo unplugged the computer, picked it up and, crept into the hallway. He used his trusty blunt boomerang kunai to turn on the television in Mark's lounge, as a distraction. As he heard steps coming towards the lounge, he stalked into the kitchen. He opened the oven and threw the computer in. The bird was still far away from being ready to roast, so by the time Mark realized what had happened the daemons would have fried. If Mark even tried to get it repaired, Hanzo had operatives who would ensure Daemon Processes couldn't be let loose in such a manner again.

    It wasn't until Mark turned off the TV that Hanzo realized his mistake. Nobody is stupid enough to put their computer in the oven instead of their turkey. Mark would know something was up . This was a terrible plan, possibly even the worst plan.

    At this point, Mark's cat brushed past Hanzo's feet, Hanzo always carried a tin of Gourmet Smoked Salmon TastinessTM to ensure no cats raised the alarm, and he quickly opened the can and gave some to the cat. A new plan came to him, a less worst plan. He threw some more of his salmon packed treat onto Mark's TV. The cat dashed across the room for it, Hanzo used his kunai once again to turn it on. This time, rightly or wrongly, Mark would see his cat and assume that both times had been the kitty's doing.

    As Mark once again came to turn the TV off, Hanzo quickly pulled the computer from the oven, it was hot and starting to melt, but Hanzo was no stranger to pain, and he bore it as he knew he must.

    Lurking in the shadows, he waited for Mark to return to the kitchen. When he did, Hanzo moved to the TV, placed the computer by it, and another lump of salmon treat by a nearby lamp. As the cat jumped up to get the treat, Hanzo picked up the lamp and threw it to ground. The cat had a clear escape route and Hanzo knew it would not be harmed. The fire quickly caught and spread around the TV, and Hanzo retreated to the shadows.

    By the time Mark realized what was happening his TV was already mostly melted, and handily spilling all over the computer. Mark would be none the wiser, blaming his cat for the mishap, and the world would be saved.

    Hanzo crept back out of the house, leaving no trace. As he stalked away from the house, he received a call. He saw the caller ID was "President's Daughter". It was going to be one of those days...

  • @algorythmics said:

    As my submission got the "it's not super mean" seal of approval

    It actually got the "pretty darn good!" seal - I just didn't have the chance to actually reply officially. 😄

  • I did understand that, but my threshold for being willing to post it was different, and I didn't want to put any kind of "the boss o' swings says its good, you better all like it, bitches" kind of swing on things.

    edit: I fixed the title to head off any mammagrammar talk

  • SockDev

    💓💓💓💓💓 💔 (5.5/6)

    Excellent writing. needs more HTML comments to really bring it home. and maybe a cornify link hidden in there too.

  • @accalia said:

    Excellent writing. needs more HTML comments to really bring it home. and maybe a cornify link hidden in there too.

    I was thinking about this, I think I want to have a sexify link hidden around, wherein all adjectives are enclosed in <span class="adjective"></span> and then the link can just run some javascript to strip all of that out and put SEXY in instead. But the forum doesn't support that sort of shit

  • SockDev

    @algorythmics said:

    But the forum doesn't support that sort of sexy



  • SockDev

    Shit, this is so much better than mine 😦 Not even sure I want to share mine now.

  • SockDev

    but we still want to read it!

  • Erik, is that you?

  • SockDev

    It wasn't quite TDWTF style either.

  • SockDev

    @accalia said:

    but we still want to read it!

    i'll still repeat myself. if it's creative writing i want to read it.

    I'm a bit of a bibliophile....

    and no i don't mean that the way @algorythmics would. PAPERCUTS HURT!

  • SockDev

    I have been debating since last night about to do this - and even though I haven't had a verdict from @mark_bowytz, I think I'll just post it.

  • @Arantor said:

    I have been debating since last night about to do this - and even though I haven't had a verdict from @mark_bowytz, I think I'll just post it.

    I'd say wait for the answer.

  • SockDev

    Fair enough... it's not as if I was... enthusiastic about posting it, so I can certainly wait.

  • area_deu

    I replies to this in another thread and nothing gets shown to the right?
    I hate that bug.

  • SockDev

    which thread? i don't remember seeing a notification of the reply....

  • area_deu

    The song thread. Because of papercuts.

  • SockDev

    i shall go investigate immediately.

  • I don't get the impression that there is only one spot available, and I would certainly be cool with more people's material to affectionately mock, in the still somewhat unlikely event that I get the gig!

  • area_deu

    It doesn't show the fact that it's a reply anywhere. WHAT THE BELGIAN TOY STORE.

  • SockDev

    That is as maybe, but I have never been especially, shall we say, convinced of my own skills. I mean, I put PHP aside for some time due to "growing up" and getting a "real job" and all that jazz. I have noticed myself doing more creative writing in the last few weeks than I did in some years before. And yet, I'm a wordy bastard that can take something trivial and make a three act tragedy out of it (except, apparently, bad Apple ads, and even then it's not quite TDWTF styled)

  • Fake News

    You don't know real Hanzo story? You bring shame to your family!

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