Collection of front pagifications

  • On the previous forum I wrote some (2) front pagifications. As an attention whore, I have decided to repost them. I am going to repost them under the pretense of wanting to learn the discourse forum software, but as I said, I am an attention whore.

    So, without further ado, I present:

    It was a cold day in Bellarus, where Comrade Czernobog was working the night shift. It had been a long week of working with a new client, a massive banking corporation with interests across the globe. Their internal cloud driven spreadsheet management system was acting up again, and Czernobog's company's SLA required the problem be resolved within 12 hours. He had already spent 4 of those hours tracking down the correct server, but he was confident he was reaching the home stretch. He booted up his VPN client and entered the login details for the server, went to take a 5 minute break while it connected, and had a coffee on the balcony overlooking the abattoir, remembering the good old days.

    When he returned to his desk, he found nothing but the login screen waiting for him. Surprised, he assumed he must have been away for too long and the session must have timed out. He re-entered his login details, got the familiar splash screen, and a green light indicating successful connection, before being unceremoniously bumped back to the login screen again. Czernobog was not a particularly patient man, and his frustration was already starting to get to him, he could feel the anger rising in him, particularly as there was now only 7 hours left to fix the problem. He couldn't afford to be wasting time with a broken VPN connection.

    After spending 20 minutes on hold with the client's IT department, he finally got through to a human. He explained the problem he was experiencing and that he expected the entire server may well need restarting. The IT department made it clear that there was nothing wrong at their end, all cylinders firing normally. They suggested he check with his company's ISP, to ensure connections outside of the soviet motherland were not being blocked by the iron firecurtain. Frustrated that these capitalist pigs would make such allegations against his glorious nation, Czernobog's blood began to run hotter. Clearly the client's IT department were not going to be any further help.

    Czernobog spent the next 4 hours testing every kind of connection to the target he could think of. He Pinged the server, traced the routes, connected to other services, anything he could think of. Everything worked fine, the only thing failing was the VPN connection. His frustration led him to desperation, restarting just about every piece of equipment between him and the client that he had the ability to restart. Nothing helped. With just over 3 hours left to go, his SLA time limit was starting to loom large. He no longer had the luxury of time on his side.

    Czernobog decided to delve into the logs of the VPN client and see if anything popped out as obviously wrong. Nothing. Just a long list of successful connections and disconnections. Nothing obviously wrong. Useless capitalist logging, keeping the valuable information away from the populace and in the hands of the fat cats. Czernobog was getting tired of it. He decided to keep an eye on the logs whilst he connected to the server and see what happened. The log was being written with his connection, but very slowly, taking a couple of seconds to write his connection attempt into the logs. He immediately realised what was the problem, he was not stupid. Those wretched capitalist pigs were being sent all the pertinent information about his login attempt, and after the fat cats had their fill, he got the crumbs of information left over, the only stuff they deigned him worthy of receiving. His blood, red as his communist ideals, boiled.

    With just a couple of hours left over, and his frustration reaching boiling point. Czernobog decided he would not work with the crumbs these capitalists allowed him. His frustration was too much, and he deleted the log file in a rage. "Hah! I will have nothing rather than your leavings, capitalist dogs!" he cried at his screen. This was too much, he needed to take another break. As he went to get another coffee, he stroked the handle of his sledge hammer affectionately as he went by. By now it was approaching dawn, and the abattoir was gearing up for the day, he could hear the animals in the holding pens.

    Returning to his desk, he had just half an hour left to work with on his SLA. His comrades at the company were coming in to start their morning shifts, and he should already have clocked out, but he couldn't let them win. He booted up the VPN client one more time and attempted a connection, this time everything worked like a dream, and the log file was written instantly. Czernobog was taken aback, he realised the capitalists must have tapped into his computer's microphone, heard his angry statements and realised he was onto them, and quickly removed all traces of their presence. Happy in his confidence that he had saved the motherland from this despicable spy network, he logged onto the server and identified the problem, a windows service in an error state. He restarted the service and everything was fine once more. His work here was done.

    Satisfied with an evening's work well done, Czernobog closed down his machine, and clocked out. His boss was just clocking in when he got there, and Czernobog filled him in on the evening's events, and counselled him to be careful of this client, as they may well be involved with capitalist spying. He turned to leave, picking up his sledgehammer as he did so. "I am going to relive the good old days today" he said to his boss, as a farewell "I will clock in after I have cleaned up".

    Czernobog stepped out of the office just as the sun was rising, he hoisted the sledgehammer onto his shoulder, and strode purposefully to his next destination.

    This is a frontpagification of:

  • One story is insufficient!

    It was a hot day in Alaska, and Tonuguelli trudged into the office in just 3 layers of clothing. Things were getting out of hand with this global warming thing, but as a lowly oil drill management software developer, there was very little he could do about it. He hung his coat on the peg and fixed himself a cup of coffee before sitting down to work. Within minutes, a fresh email from their dutch office came in.

    "Total system failure! CRITICAL!" was the subject line, oh dear, Tonuguelli knew their dutch data centre had woefully inadequate surge protection and it was only a matter of time before it came back to bite them. It seemed like time was finally up, a lightning strike must have caused a power surge and fried half the servers. He opened the email and read on, expecting a long day of emergency part ordering and backup restoration ahead of him.

    "When entering dates through SSIS, using the numpad - does nothing! only the standard - key is recognized!

    our people can't work with this! this is a CRITICAL issue! FIX IT ASAP!"

    Relief quickly turned into confusion, as Tonuguelli read and re-read the email. Not only was this a problem with external software, but the expected priority was laughable. An issue with a simple workaround, which the reporting user was already aware of? This was just poking the polar bear. Tonuguelli had had enough! He looked at the email's signoff, "Argh! It's Wurnstrum Holstein again!" he exclaimed to no one in particular. Wurnstrum had been a thorn in his side for quite a while, a traditional management type with enough air between his ears that if you stood close enough when you spoke to him, you could hear the echo come back through his ear. This was the last straw.

    Tonuguelli fired off an email to management explaining the situation, giving the background of frivolous IT requests and problems he had had so far with Wurnstrum. He replied to Wurnstrum's email explaining that he couldn't fix an issue with external software, and suggested that he use the workaround he had found until the issue was resolved. He knew this wouldn't be good enough, but he didn't want to deal with that right now. In all the anger and frustration, he found he had finished his coffee, so he went to get a refill.

    He was startled by the sound of the front door of the building being kicked down, with men shouting and heavy booted feet running through the offices, he turned towards the commotion to see 3 men with balaclavas and assault weapons, all pointed at him "DONT MOVE" they shouted, he dropped his coffee and raised his hands. Tonuguelli, his mind full of fear, felt certain he was about to die.

    He had no idea how wrong he was...

    this is a frontpagification of:

  • I don't mind.

  • Oh, I already read this topic and my post was last. Sorry.

  • Why isn't there somewhere to click if I hate a post? This blatant self-promotion has got to stop.

    This post brought to you by bstorer!

  • You can "flag" a post. It comes up in a list on my admin pages, so that I can click "Disagree" and then it goes away.

  • @dhromed said:

    You can "flag" a post. It comes up in a list on my admin pages, so that I can click "Disagree" and then it goes away.

    Have I mentioned lately that I need those powers for important and entirely credible reasons? Because I do. Please get on that, posthaste.

  • @vote4sale said:

    entirely credible reasons?

    This is one of those rare cases where your incredibility works against you, sir.

  • In light of your reluctance to give me the powers I so legitimately need, I have taken it into my own hands to resolve this. I am now moderator, here to offer my grass-roots moderation services to anyone who needs them. Have an issue you need resolved on this forum? Come to me, and I shall solve them as only I can!

  • Don't moderate my thread bro, its mine!

  • @moderator said:

    In light of your reluctance to give me the powers I so legitimately need, I have taken it into my own hands to resolve this. I am now moderator, here to offer my grass-roots moderation services to anyone who needs them. Have an issue you need resolved on this forum? Come to me, and I shall solve them as only I can!

    I'd like to report a traitor who is abusing the lenient username constraints to set himself up as some kind of vigilante.

  • @investigate immediailters said:

    I'd like to report a <b>traitor</b> who is abusing the lenient username constraints to set himself up as some kind of vigilante.

    I shall investigate immediately. Who is this traitor? Is it @too_many_userna? Because I've never heard of that guy before.

  • NECRO!

    I feel that those who came after the first 3 days of Discourse should witness this majesty.

  • What? @bstorer's two name changes?

  • Yes, the majesty of name changes doth verily produce much mirth amongst the lowly peasants of the land.

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