How to resign



  •     An ex-coworker of mine decided to flame
    out in spectacular fashion yesterday. He worked for a multi-national company
    and decided to send this email to every distribution list he could find (even
    some clients). I have removed the names to protect the flamed.

    Dear (HR Manager)<o:p></o:p> <o:p></o:p>

    Please accept my resignation affective today, September 6th, 2006.<o:p></o:p>

    I would like to remind you that the California Labor Code specifies that an employee who resigns must receive his final wages with 72 hours of quitting.  If final payment is not received within 72 hours, a waiting time penalty equal to the employee' daily rate of pay may be assessed against the employer for each day that overdue final wages remain unpaid. <o:p></o:p>

    I urge you to focus on the management style currently in place in (City Name)  Five senior software engineers have left within the last three months.  Surely sometime during your HR training you learned that a whole department resigning or being fired is a key indicator that something might be amiss.    Might I recommend that you use the Dilbert "what's more likely" technique:  That five senior software engineers with a combined 20 odd years of service on dozens of successful projects suddenly became inept and disillusioned?  Or, one ignorant, inept, non-communicative, mean-spirited, dumb manager (Manager Name)  was hired (by another equally dumb, inept manager: (Manager’s Manager Name) and singled-handedly destroyed the morale of the entire team?  <o:p></o:p>

    Morale was, and is, at an all time low in the department.  Isn't there someone in charge of morale at (Company)/(City)?  Like, perhaps, the HR department?     Do you think the way you all treat people has an affect on people's work, and hence, the products they develop?  Has it occurred to you that the reason you all keep losing bids on projects is that the product is poor and the company behind the product does not respect it's own employees, not to mention it's customers?   Do you really think hiring fifty contractors is going to improve that?    I'm guessing that (Competitor Name) probably treats its people a little better then you all do. <o:p></o:p> <o:p></o:p>

    Regards,<o:p></o:p>

    (Disgruntled Ex-Employee Name)<o:p></o:p>

    Senior Software Engineer<o:p></o:p>



  • Someone sounds a little miffed...



  • What COULD have been the response from the company:

    Dear (Disgruntled Ex-Employee Name)

    Your resignation is accepted. Your final wages have been deposited in your PayPal account, the same account that you frequently used to purchase explicit materials from eBay and other websites using company internet in work hours. Some of this material violates state and federal regulations, and details have been forwarded to the relevent authorities.

    We will indeed be focussing on management style at (Company). Specifically, we will be focussing more strongly on employee-interactions. Our previous attitude of "It's the results that matter" will be revised to take into account the likes of yourself, who, despite getting a reasonable although not exceptional amount of work done, are abrasive, rude, and arrogant towards fellow employees, in addition to having less-than-stellar client relations skills. Of the five senior software engineers that have left in the last three months, three have made it known to us that they did so on account of irreconcileable differences with yourself. You may also be interested to know that one of your colleagues is pursuing a sexual harrasment claim against yourself, a claim which we were fully co-operating with even prior to you exceptionally welcome regulation. Since your resignation became known, a company party has been organised, morale is up, and we may even be able to ship (super-duper-new-software) on time as a results.

    Regards,

    (HR Manager)



  • @m0ffx said:

    What COULD have been the response from the company:

    Dear (Disgruntled Ex-Employee Name)

    masturbatory trash talk
    Regards,

    (HR Manager)

    Boy, you sure knocked that guy you know nothing about down a notch or two!  Well done!



  • Dear (mal adjusted employee),

    When you were hired a this company you signed a non-compete agreement that contained specific provisions regarding damaging relationships with other companies.

    (nonuseful legal garbage)

    Given the distribution of your inflamatory email We (the Company) can only assume your goal was to damage relationships with those clients. As such we will be witholding your final paycheck and have begun legal proceedings against you to recoup our losses. You will find a lawyer and the police waiting at your claimed place of residence to ensure your compliance.

    Sincerely,
    (HR Manager OF DOOM)



  • Hmm, what's that smell?  Could it be a burning bridge or twelve?






  • More likely,

    Bomb the bridge, burn the wreckage, urinate on the ashes and film yourself doing it.



  • HR might have taken that email a little more seriously if he'd omitted all the belittling sarcasm and the dilbert refernce.



  • They might have taken the email more seriously if it was addressed solely to HR and said "Fuck you, you fucking fucks, I quit."

    That's a really stupid way to quit. Funny though, I'll have to try it sometime, after I steal some idiots identity.



  • We had a guy just leave.  Didn't tell anyone, just never showed up
    again.  Simple yet effective.  Although I don't think he nor
    the guy in question in this thread really thought through the whole
    getting a reference bit.



  • @merreborn said:

    HR might have taken that email a little more seriously if he'd omitted all the belittling sarcasm and the dilbert refernce.


    Not a chance. I have never heard of an HR department that ever took criticism from an employee seriously. Resignation commentary is for the benefit of other employees ("hey guys, update your CVs"); HR will ignore it and management will weasel out of it.



  • Bitter ex-employee here.  Glad to see everyone is either enjoying my resignation letter or mocking it...whatever works. 

    I particularly enjoyed the pseudo-hr manager reply.  That missive could never have happened for several reasons:  1:  It was in intelligible English.  2:  It didn't contain the phrase "We at (insert fked up company's name here) value you as..."  3:  The HR manager is much too busy being wined and dined by the actuarial whores at (insert life-sucking insurance company's name) so that the employee's contribution can be increased by 32% and said HR manager can mysteriously vacation in Belize for a month gratis (insert life-sucking insurance company's name).

     Point of fact, I did receive a brief letter from the HR manager stating "I understand you have left (insert fked up company's name here)  affective September 6th.  I show that you still have company equipment in your possession:  RSA security chip, Dell latitude D810 laptop.  You need to return these immediately.  However, you are not allowed in the building (ever).  Please make arrangements to return the equipment forthwith.  Ask yourself, what's like to happen first:  I return the Dell D810 (2.1 GHz processor, 100gig HD) or Paris Hilton wins the national spelling bee?

    HR managers, project managers, "marketing associates"...you all fall into the same black hole of negative energy, creativity-sucking, morale-eroding pooge that everyone else who can't reverse a linked-list in C in less then 28 seconds does.  I'm the brilliant programmer, you're the one paying your monthly Honda Civic payment off my efforts, my brain.  The least you could do is give me a reach-around.   You were taking creative writing and volleyball in college, watching little Becky's NERFS bouncing up and down, while I was taking 23 units of math, computer science and "The history of the Algorithm" (just for the fun of it). 

    You work exactly 1 week per year (open enrollment) and then take 2 hour sushi lunches the remaining 51 weeks.  Come to think of it, I coded an open enrollment app so that you wouldn't have to do anything.  So, your Sushi bill (or the CFO's, who you're always banging) must be around 5K.  

    Now go back to your slow train-wreck of a career and stop trying to flame me...silly kidders.

     

     

     

     

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