WTF-Inc is hiring



  • I was just asked if the following skills list is sufficient for a job-req that is about to be sent out to head hunters:

    Computer Programmer wanted.
    Must be heavily experienced in all of the following:
    Expert in Java 1.2, 1.4, 1.5, 1.6, 1.7
    Expert in Javascript
    Expert in Web services: user interface, communication, back end, performance tuning
    Expert in EJB
    Expert in ESB - must be able to build an enterprise service bus with freely available tools
    Expert in Oracle queries, stored procedures, functions, performance tuning, expert DBA-level configuration, topological data mapping to distributed disks
    Expert in setting up, configuring and supporting Big Data in ExaByte databases
    Expert in Hadoop
    Expert in organizing and supporting a multi-terabyte data warehouse to provide sub-second response time
    Expert in C, C++, C#
    Expert in .NET
    Expert in ASP.NET
    Expert in shell programming in all of the following: Perl, ksh, sh, csh, tcl, tcsh
    Must have extensive experience in processing a, b, c, d, e, f, g and h types of transactions in x, y and z lines of business
    Must have 3 years of experience

    I told them that they're forgetting one thing: G-d still needs to do His day job of running the universe, so he might not be available for a few billion years.



  • Not sure I've ever seen an entire dev team that is collectively expert in all that, let alone one programmer. If you get multiple applications, can you send the rejects to us?



  • @skotl: The best part is the salary range peaks at $70K so even if a senior person with some of that walks in the door, there's no way they'll accept the job at that rate of pay!



  • "Must have 3 years of experience" is definitely the funniest bit about that list.



    I love the idea that someone could be an expert in all of those, but only has 2 years of experience.



  • @snoofle said:

    I was just asked if the following skills list is sufficient for a job-req that is about to be sent out to head hunters:

    Computer Programmer wanted.
    Must be heavily experienced in all of the following:
    Expert in Java 1.2, 1.4, 1.5, 1.6, 1.7
    Expert in Javascript
    Expert in Web services: user interface, communication, back end, performance tuning
    Expert in EJB
    Expert in ESB - must be able to build an enterprise service bus with freely available tools
    Expert in Oracle queries, stored procedures, functions, performance tuning, expert DBA-level configuration, topological data mapping to distributed disks
    Expert in setting up, configuring and supporting Big Data in ExaByte databases
    Expert in Hadoop
    Expert in organizing and supporting a multi-terabyte data warehouse to provide sub-second response time
    Expert in C, C++, C#
    Expert in .NET
    Expert in ASP.NET
    Expert in shell programming in all of the following: Perl, ksh, sh, csh, tcl, tcsh
    Must have extensive experience in processing a, b, c, d, e, f, g and h types of transactions in x, y and z lines of business

    Wait for it...

    @snoofle said:

    Must have 3 years of experience

    Shazam!
    Champagne comedy.



  • @snoofle said:

    Must be heavily experienced in all of the following:
    Expert in [...]
    Expert in [...]
    Expert in [...]
    Expert in [...]
    I only became expert in those things recently, and haven't yet had much experience being an expert...



  • @snoofle said:

    Expert in setting up, configuring and supporting Big Data in ExaByte databases
     

    Wait, your database is exabytes big...

    @snoofle said:

    Expert in organizing and supporting a multi-terabyte data warehouse

    But when denormalized it fits in just a lot of  terabytes?

     



  • Wow, just wow.

    Did no-one involved realise that anyone with that skillset wouldn't need to apply for jobs, they receive requests from people humble supplicants to come and work for them?

     



  • @snoofle said:

    Expert in ESB - must be able to build an enterprise service bus with freely available tools

    That's the best one. It's like BP posting a wanted ad: looking for an expert in high-volume offshore driling, must be able to build a drilling riser with recycled beer cans and duct tape.



  • Smells like an H1-B req.



  • @snoofle said:

    @skotl: The best part is the salary range peaks at $70K so even if a senior person with some of that walks in the door, there's no way they'll accept the job at that rate of pay!

    snoofle, for that salary, for the average person, what would the take home be?



    I ask because i'm from the uk and that seems to be the US going rate for my experience level (junior ish) and its over double my pre-tax pay... So i'm wondering if uncle sam takes a bigger bite than her majesty, or the UK just generally pays people really rubbish salaries (I'm expecting it to be the latter).



  • @Algorythmics said:

    @snoofle said:

    @skotl: The best part is the salary range peaks at $70K so even if a senior person with some of that walks in the door, there's no way they'll accept the job at that rate of pay!

    snoofle, for that salary, for the average person, what would the take home be?



    I ask because i'm from the uk and that seems to be the US going rate for my experience level (junior ish) and its over double my pre-tax pay... So i'm wondering if uncle sam takes a bigger bite than her majesty, or the UK just generally pays people really rubbish salaries (I'm expecting it to be the latter).

    Depending on the state you live in, you get between 70% and 80% net when you work on salary. But the number itselfs means nothing. You are filthy rich with 70k in Wyoming but need to use coupons and sell your empty bottles if you live in the San Francisco or NYC areas.



  • @snoofle said:

    I was just asked if the following skills list is sufficient for a job-req that is about to be sent out to head hunters:

    Computer Programmer wanted.
    Must be heavily experienced in all of the following:
    Expert in Java 1.2, 1.4, 1.5, 1.6, 1.7
    Expert in Javascript
    Expert in Web services: user interface, communication, back end, performance tuning
    Expert in EJB
    Expert in ESB - must be able to build an enterprise service bus with freely available tools
    Expert in Oracle queries, stored procedures, functions, performance tuning, expert DBA-level configuration, topological data mapping to distributed disks
    Expert in setting up, configuring and supporting Big Data in ExaByte databases
    Expert in Hadoop
    Expert in organizing and supporting a multi-terabyte data warehouse to provide sub-second response time
    Expert in C, C++, C# (Via converting VB to C# and Back)
    Expert in .NET
    Expert in ASP.NET
    Expert in shell programming in all of the following: Perl, ksh, sh, csh, tcl, tcsh
    Must have extensive experience in processing a, b, c, d, e, f, g and h types of transactions in x, y and z lines of business
    Must have 34 years of experience

    Self-Assessment based on my definition of expert (with a small "resume bump" on the C#; and a bump to extend my experience back to Duke Univeristy summer courses when I was 11; i have seen much worse resume extensions)  and no, I wont take a position for 70K.

     

     

     



  • @Medezark said:

    @snoofle said:

    I was just asked if the following skills list is sufficient for a job-req that is about to be sent out to head hunters:

    Computer Programmer wanted.
    Must be heavily experienced in all of the following:
    Expert in Java 1.2, 1.4, 1.5, 1.6, 1.7
    Expert in Javascript
    Expert in Web services: user interface, communication, back end, performance tuning
    Expert in EJB
    Expert in ESB - must be able to build an enterprise service bus with freely available tools
    Expert in Oracle queries, stored procedures, functions, performance tuning, expert DBA-level configuration, topological data mapping to distributed disks
    Expert in setting up, configuring and supporting Big Data in ExaByte databases
    Expert in Hadoop
    Expert in organizing and supporting a multi-terabyte data warehouse to provide sub-second response time
    Expert in C, C++, C# (Via converting VB to C# and Back)
    Expert in .NET
    Expert in ASP.NET
    Expert in shell programming in all of the following: Perl, ksh, sh, csh, tcl, tcsh
    Must have extensive experience in processing a, b, c, d, e, f, g and h types of transactions in x, y and z lines of business
    Must have 34 years of experience

    Self-Assessment based on my definition of expert (with a small "resume bump" on the C#; and a bump to extend my experience back to Duke Univeristy summer courses when I was 11; i have seen much worse resume extensions)  and no, I wont take a position for 70K.

     

     

     

    Bravo, you just put your dick on the table, and turns out it's small


  • Discourse touched me in a no-no place

    @snoofle said:

    salary range peaks at $70K
    It's a part time job, right?



  • @snoofle said:

    The best part is the salary range peaks at $70k

    How about, no? Man, that's really low for those requirements. I make more than that, and I live in Central Florida, which isn't exactly an expensive place to live. Of course, I have 8 years of experience, but my skillset isn't nearly as eclectic (and I'm only an expert in procrastination and bullshit).



  • @skotl said:

    Not sure I've ever seen an entire dev team that is collectively expert in all that, let alone one programmer. If you get multiple applications, can you send the rejects to us?

    I seriously doubt that there is a whole company < 100 people out there that's collectively an expert at all of those things. Mind you, snoofle hasn't mentioned which lines of business we're talking about here. It could be anything from Beanie Baby trade to banking.



  •  I'm guessing the combined federal and (New York) state tax rate is about 38%, so take-home would be about $43,400, depending upon your deductions (number of kids), etc.



  • Some programming course you went on when you were 11 doesn't count as experience. Nor do the intervening years while you were at school.



    Also, the amount of experience you claim to have also doesn't tally with the majority of technologies listed... C#, .NET, ASP.NET, JS, WebServices, etc have all been around for half of that time.



    So the only thing left is Oracle. So basically, you're an overpaid oracle sysadmin.


  • Discourse touched me in a no-no place

    @toon said:

    I seriously doubt that there is a whole company
    Don't bother doubting it; some places build up a huge set of skills in their employees. For example, I've got almost all of that skillset (my C# and .NET aren't expert, as I only review others code in them and not write it) and I know for sure there are others here who have the rest.

    Wouldn't do it for $70K though, not without amazing side-benefits. (I don't amaze easily.)



  • @dkf said:

    @toon said:
    I seriously doubt that there is a whole company
    Don't bother doubting it; some places build up a huge set of skills in their employees. For example, I've got almost all of that skillset (my C# and .NET aren't expert, as I only review others code in them and not write it) and I know for sure there are others here who have the rest.

    Wouldn't do it for $70K though, not without amazing side-benefits. (I don't amaze easily.)

    [url=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dunning%E2%80%93Kruger_effect]I don't want to burst your bubble, but if you have to say that you're an expert at anything, then you're not an expert.[/url]



  • @eViLegion said:

    @dkf said:
    @toon said:
    I seriously doubt that there is a whole company
    Don't bother doubting it; some places build up a huge set of skills in their employees. For example, I've got almost all of that skillset (my C# and .NET aren't expert, as I only review others code in them and not write it) and I know for sure there are others here who have the rest.

    Wouldn't do it for $70K though, not without amazing side-benefits. (I don't amaze easily.)

    I don't want to burst your bubble, but if you have to say that you're an expert at anything, then you're not an expert.

    What do you expect: he's from Europe. They think that they are still relevant because the maps haven't been re-calibrated to put the USA (or South Korea) in the center, like they should.



  • So, they are trying to hire a guru. Obviously they didn't worry about an adequate salary because gurus don't need to buy food. We all know that they live on spiritual energy, don't they? ;-)

    @snoofle said:

    Must have 3 incarnations of experience

    Fixed that for them.



  • @spezialpfusch said:

    @snoofle said:
    Must wear 3 carnations in top left jacket pocket.

    Might as well look extremely stylish during the interview.



  • @Ronald said:

    USA (or South Korea) in the center, like they should.

    If we put the USA in the center, then the West would be on the right of the map, and the East on the left. How does that make sense?


  • Winner of the 2016 Presidential Election

    @toon said:

    @Ronald said:
    USA (or South Korea) in the center, like they should.

    If we put the USA in the center, then the West would be on the right of the map, and the East on the left. How does that make sense?

    Your map is upside-down.


  • @toon said:

    @Ronald said:
    USA (or South Korea) in the center, like they should.

    If we put the USA in the center, then the West would be on the right of the map, and the East on the left. How does that make sense?

    You are highly intelligent, but your thinking is 2-dimensional and inexperienced; z-10,000 meters!


  • @joe.edwards said:

    @toon said:
    @Ronald said:
    USA (or South Korea) in the center, like they should.

    If we put the USA in the center, then the West would be on the right of the map, and the East on the left. How does that make sense?

    Your map is upside-down.

    Yeah, but if you turn the map "the right way up", then north will be at the bottom and south at the top.



    You'll have to mirror the bloody thing, then try and remember to go in the opposite longitudinal direction to what it tells you.



  • @toon said:

    If we put the USA in the center, then the West would be on the right of the map, and the East on the left. How does that make sense?
     

    Besides, we'd cut land area at the borders of the map.



  • @Ronald said:

    Bravo, you just put your dick on the table, and turns out it's small
     

    You want it to go badoof but all I heard was plok.



  • @Ronald said:

    @Algorythmics said:
    @snoofle said:

    @skotl: The best part is the salary range peaks at $70K so even if a senior person with some of that walks in the door, there's no way they'll accept the job at that rate of pay!

    snoofle, for that salary, for the average person, what would the take home be?



    I ask because i'm from the uk and that seems to be the US going rate for my experience level (junior ish) and its over double my pre-tax pay... So i'm wondering if uncle sam takes a bigger bite than her majesty, or the UK just generally pays people really rubbish salaries (I'm expecting it to be the latter).

    Depending on the state you live in, you get between 70% and 80% net when you work on salary. But the number itselfs means nothing. You are filthy rich with 70k in Wyoming but need to use coupons and sell your empty bottles if you live in the San Francisco or NYC areas.


    Also don't forget exchange rates 40k BP is about the same as 70k USD.
    Although you do have to pay something like 5BP per liter of petrol where we are still at just under 4USD per gallon.



  •  Ill take the job

    I'm sure there are more than enough examples in the man page for me to be able to fit right in

     



  • @KattMan said:

    Although you do have to pay something like 5BP per liter of petrol where we are still at just under 4USD per gallon.

    That's only because our petrol is so much better than yours.


  • sockdevs

    @eViLegion said:

    @KattMan said:
    Although you do have to pay something like 5BP per liter of petrol where we are still at just under 4USD per gallon.

    That's only because our petrol is so much better than yours.

     

    That, and the UK government views the country's motorists as one collective wallet.



  • @RaceProUK said:

    That, and the UK government views the country's motorists as one collective wallet.

    I have a lovely motorist's-skin leather wallet.



  • @snoofle said:

    @skotl: The best part is the salary range peaks at $70K so even if a senior person with some of that walks in the door, there's no way they'll accept the job at that rate of pay!
    Jezus Christ on a tricycle! I qualify for about 50%, but I earn just over half that. I guess they pay such salaries because it's a part of the world where nobody wants to live.

     



  • They forgot to add:

    • Accept criticism from others (i.e. have your shitty code published in TheDailyWTF forums)
    • Be able to anonimize and publish shitty code from colleagues to TheDailyWTF forums

    I mean, that's part of snoofles job, am I right?


  • Winner of the 2016 Presidential Election

    @TGV said:

    @snoofle said:

    @skotl: The best part is the salary range peaks at $70K so even if a senior person with some of that walks in the door, there's no way they'll accept the job at that rate of pay!
    Jezus Christ on a tricycle! I qualify for about 50%, but I earn just over half that. I guess they pay such salaries because it's a part of the world where nobody wants to live.

     


    $70k is peanuts for a senior developer position. If you manage to fill a position at that rate, it's just going to be for a month or so while he hunts for a better-paying job.



  • @ubersoldat said:

    They forgot to add:

    • Accept criticism from others (i.e. have your shitty code published in TheDailyWTF forums)
    • Be able to anonimize and publish shitty code from colleagues to TheDailyWTF forums

    I mean, that's part of snoofles job, am I right?

    Not for long...


  • OK, so I'm a contractor; I work for (and am a full-time employee of) a contracting firm. They pay me a salary, and bill the customer for my time. Right now I'm getting (gross, pre-tax) about 60% of the bill rate. Is that normal? I should add I get bennies -- vacation, health care, dental, etc like a normal full-time employee. I'm getting about $90,000 per year. Sound right?



  • @TGV said:

    @snoofle said:

    @skotl: The best part is the salary range peaks at $70K so even if a senior person with some of that walks in the door, there's no way they'll accept the job at that rate of pay!
    Jezus Christ on a tricycle! I qualify for about 50%, but I earn just over half that. I guess they pay such salaries because it's a part of the world where nobody wants to live.

    Yes, that's why the US has such an emigration problem.


  • Winner of the 2016 Presidential Election

    @DrPepper said:

    OK, so I'm a contractor; I work for (and am a full-time employee of) a contracting firm. They pay me a salary, and bill the customer for my time. Right now I'm getting (gross, pre-tax) about 60% of the bill rate. Is that normal? I should add I get bennies -- vacation, health care, dental, etc like a normal full-time employee. I'm getting about $90,000 per year. Sound right?

    Before everybody whips out their dicks and tape measures, have a look here.



  • @snoofle said:

    Must have 3 years of experience

    So in addition to everything else, he has to be stuck in a 3-year-long groundhog day loop? I wager you'd need to loop at least 20-30 times to get all the experience required.



  • @dhromed said:

    @Ronald said:

    Bravo, you just put your dick on the table, and turns out it's small
     

    You want it to go badoof but all I heard was plok.

    If the starting salary was higher, i would have been excited enough for a badoof, followed by the table supports breaking.....  70K doesn't excite me enough.



  • Guys I make significantly more than $70k, I live in a city with significantly less cost-of-living than New York, and I'm a slacker who you all think is incompetent also.

    Just to ground you.


  • Winner of the 2016 Presidential Election

    @Medezark said:

    If the starting salary was higher, i would have been excited enough for a badoof, followed by the table supports breaking.

    Please refrain from sitting on the tables.



  • @joe.edwards said:

    @Medezark said:
    If the starting salary was higher, i would have been excited enough for a badoof, followed by the table supports breaking.
    Please refrain from sitting on the tables.

    Thank you all for your continued kindness and support. :P



  • @blakeyrat said:

    @snoofle said:
    Must have 3 years of experience

    So in addition to everything else, he has to be stuck in a 3-year-long groundhog day loop? I wager you'd need to loop at least 20-30 times to get all the experience required.

    Maybe there's one person somewhere in the world who actually managed to become expert at all that in 3 years or so. And this is a poor attempt at catching him to put him back in the lab.


  • Winner of the 2016 Presidential Election

    @witchdoctor said:

    @blakeyrat said:
    @snoofle said:
    Must have 3 years of experience

    So in addition to everything else, he has to be stuck in a 3-year-long groundhog day loop? I wager you'd need to loop at least 20-30 times to get all the experience required.

    Maybe there's one person somewhere in the world who actually managed to become expert at all that in 3 years or so. And this is a poor attempt at catching him to put him back in the lab.


    I know Kung Fu.



  • @blakeyrat said:

    Guys I make significantly more than $70k, I live in a city with significantly less cost-of-living than New York, and I'm a slacker who you all think is incompetent also.

    Just to ground you.



    What were the requirements for the job you currently have?

    My parents are starting to get pretty insistent about me giving up this whole "programming" thing and take the bar, so being able to point to a better paying career path would help a lot in keeping them out of my hair.

     


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