Protecting the truly important stuff



  • Hmm, honestly I'm thinking this may be an opportunity for an enterprising employee. Start up a cleaning business and tell the CEO you'll keep the place clean for free as long as the locks come off the bathroom. Get more employees to chip in for supplies and volunteer their labor after hours. You show initiative and leadership potential to management, while also becoming a hero as the guy who saved their sphincters.

    Heck, as a bonus you might even be able to register the business as a non-profit and use it for some tax benefits.


    Of course, this is all pointless if the current cleaning company is actually owned by the CEO's wife and the poop price is simply a way to end up paying employees less through nickel and diming.



  • @Snooder said:


    Of course, this is all pointless if the current cleaning company is actually owned by the CEO's wife and the poop price is simply a way to end up paying employees less through nickel and diming.
    That's currently the thought going around my workgroup, the company name on the cleaners' uniforms isn't in the yellow pages, and Googling them just turns up an answerphone that says "We're sorry, this mailbox is full.  Goodbye." when you try to ring them.

     



  • @drurowin said:

    The policy for people triggering the alarm is a "counseling" the first time it happens, a written warning the second, and a dismissal on the third.  Reasoning?  Bypassing access controls.  One of the secretaries just got dismissed for accidentally triggering the bathroom alarm a couple weeks ago after having a counseling and written warning for unrelated things.  She was in tears, but management didn't even come down to hear her case.  They just sent security around to escort her out.  Near as we could tell, she entered the bathroom, someone asked her something as the door was closing, and she pushed it back open and triggered the presence sensor again.

    Yes, I am looking for a new job.

    I trust that your last act before leaving will be to nobble the dunny siren.



  • @drurowin said:

    @Snooder said:


    Of course, this is all pointless if the current cleaning company is actually owned by the CEO's wife and the poop price is simply a way to end up paying employees less through nickel and diming.
    That's currently the thought going around my workgroup, the company name on the cleaners' uniforms isn't in the yellow pages, and Googling them just turns up an answerphone that says "We're sorry, this mailbox is full.  Goodbye." when you try to ring them.



    Wow. Ok, definitely some schemes going on there. I'd advise you to find someone to do some dirt-digging, this might be a real goldmine. With any luck you'll either be able to blackmail the boss into giving you a raise and a recommendation, or rat him out to the shareholders. Or hell, sell the info to the local papers.

     



  • @flabdablet said:

    I trust that your last act before leaving will be to nobble the dunny siren.

    People on the train are looking at me funny after I guffawed at that. This is definitely my favourite sidebar thread of all time.


    Durowin, if I were you, I'd take a colossal shit on the CEOs expensive exec-chair, and fill his water cooler with piss. He'll understand.



  • @drurowin said:

    This is seriously taking the piss...

    I almost feel like this is too coincidental and you're just joking. If that's the case: bravo!



  • @flabdablet said:

    I trust that your last act before leaving will be to nobble the dunny siren.
    What a coincidence!  My favorite kid's show back in the sixties was "Nobble the Dunny Siren".



  • @flabdablet said:

    @drurowin said:

    The policy for people triggering the alarm is a "counseling" the first time it happens, a written warning the second, and a dismissal on the third.  Reasoning?  Bypassing access controls.  One of the secretaries just got dismissed for accidentally triggering the bathroom alarm a couple weeks ago after having a counseling and written warning for unrelated things.  She was in tears, but management didn't even come down to hear her case.  They just sent security around to escort her out.  Near as we could tell, she entered the bathroom, someone asked her something as the door was closing, and she pushed it back open and triggered the presence sensor again.

    Yes, I am looking for a new job.

    I trust that your last act before leaving will be to nobble the dunny siren.

    Sure, the way the whole shebang is affixed to the wall, one could probably go into the toilets, punch through the drywall from the back of it, and shove the whole affair out the front, unless they actually bolted the damn thing to the floor, in which case I'd need a wrecking bar too.

     



  • @drurowin said:

    the way the whole shebang is affixed to the wall, one could probably go into the toilets, punch through the drywall from the back of it, and shove the whole affair out the front, unless they actually bolted the damn thing to the floor

    How much do you reckon they spent on installing this amazing security system?



  • @flabdablet said:

    @drurowin said:
    the way the whole shebang is affixed to the wall, one could probably go into the toilets, punch through the drywall from the back of it, and shove the whole affair out the front, unless they actually bolted the damn thing to the floor

    How much do you reckon they spent on installing this amazing security system?

    Wow that is one seriously tedious show. They make one slightly funny joke then make it last for 15 minutes. It's like the exact opposite of Benny Hill.





  • @Ronald said:

    @flabdablet said:
    @drurowin said:
    the way the whole shebang is affixed to the wall, one could probably go into the toilets, punch through the drywall from the back of it, and shove the whole affair out the front, unless they actually bolted the damn thing to the floor

    How much do you reckon they spent on installing this amazing security system?

    Wow that is one seriously tedious show. They make one slightly funny joke then make it last for 15 minutes. It's like the exact opposite of Benny Hill.

    What's it like to not have a soul?



  • @morbiuswilters said:

    @Ronald said:
    @flabdablet said:
    @drurowin said:
    the way the whole shebang is affixed to the wall, one could probably go into the toilets, punch through the drywall from the back of it, and shove the whole affair out the front, unless they actually bolted the damn thing to the floor

    How much do you reckon they spent on installing this amazing security system?

    Wow that is one seriously tedious show. They make one slightly funny joke then make it last for 15 minutes. It's like the exact opposite of Benny Hill.

    What's it like to not have a soul?

    I'm not sure which I hate more: Black books or Benny Hill.



    Can you watch this entire 3:42 clip? It's unbearable. What other horrible show makes you laugh? Red Dwarf? Father Ted? Gilligan's island?



  • @morbiuswilters said:

    What's it like to not have a soul?

    I say we strap him down and prop his eyelids open and make him watch The Plank. We owe it to society.



  • @Ronald said:

    Can you watch this entire 3:42 clip?

    It had less Yakety Sax than I expected.

    @Ronald said:

    It's unbearable.

    Humor hadn't been invented yet, man.

    @Ronald said:

    Red Dwarf? Father Ted? Gilligan's island?

    Once. Definitely no. No.

    But Black Books isn't like those; it's not some tiresome old Britcom, it's actually much closer to being an American sitcom full of wacky hijinks and so-forth. I think my favorite episode is when he hired the exterminator to kill the cat who owned the building.



  • @flabdablet said:

    The Plank

    I am confused. Did the British used to do carpentry in sweater vests and suits?



  • @morbiuswilters said:

    Did the British used to do carpentry in sweater vests and suits?

    I wouldn't put it past them.



  • @flabdablet said:

    @morbiuswilters said:
    Did the British used to do carpentry in sweater vests and suits?

    I wouldn't put it past them.

    This thread has now officially switched to YOUTUBE TAG MODE



  • @flabdablet said:

    @drurowin said:
    the way the whole shebang is affixed to the wall, one could probably go into the toilets, punch through the drywall from the back of it, and shove the whole affair out the front, unless they actually bolted the damn thing to the floor

    How much do you reckon they spent on installing this amazing security system?

    Based on what I know about it: too much.

    Since my workplace is really REALLY awful about cameraphones, I'm just going to have to describe the whole setup.  (and, if I get a new job, photos on the way out!)

    All our toilets in this building used to be "multi-occupancy" - that is, 4 toilets in cubicles with a couple of common sinks, and an added urinal in the gents.  As of the time they installed this "wonder system", they took out all but one of the stools and took down all the cubicle walls, but didn't change the size of the room any.  Seriously, it's big enough to play handball in there now.  The TP is mounted on the wall over the back of the stool.

    The toilet blocks were constructed so all the piping runs down a common wall in the center, with the sinks and toilets on that wall.  This gives a couple of meters of separation between the entry doors for each toilet.  The "controller" is mounted in the wall between the doors, roughly in line with the sinks in the gents' side. They had to make about a quarter of a meter "box" around the back of the equipment in the gents' so that I guess we're not looking at the ass end of this thing's enclosure.

    In the middle of the controller's business end, there's a 6 or so inch graphical LCD with 2 buttons under it.  "LADIES" and "GENTS".  The idle state of the screen says "SELECT BELOW".

    When you make your selection, the display changes to say "PRICE £1.50".  To the left of the display is a coin acceptor similar to that on a vending machine, and below that is a RFID reader for our cafeteria cards.  If you insert a coin, it says "THANK YOU - ENTER NOW" and starts counting down from 15.  You can hear a click inside the box as it does that, I'm guessing energizing the relay that disconnects the electromagnet holding the door closed.  If you touch your cafeteria card, it works the same way, except the message is "THANK YOU - DISCOUNT APPLIED - ENTER NOW", unless you don't have enough balance on your card, where it just says "CARD NOT ACCEPTED - PLEASE PAY CASH".  If you tap your building access card instead, it says "WRONG CARD - PLEASE TRY AGAIN".  There are two Medeco locks on the front of the unit, one says "MODE" and the other says "DOOR".  I have never seen either of them be used.

    There are a pair of PIR presence sensors inside the bathroom, one for the lightswitch, and another for the "hanging around in the john all day" alarm.  At about knee-level, just inside the door, there is an IR "tripwire".  This is what determines if you've entered or left.  If you trigger it 3 times, the system goes into alarm.  I can't see the contact for the alarm if you force the door, but I'm guessing it's probably just a standard recessed contact on the door frame.

    If you trigger the alarm, in addition to one of the loudest audible alarms I've ever heard, it also apparently sends a signal to building security, AND it displays "VIOLATION - LADIES (or MENS) - DOOR TIMEOUT (or DOUBLE ENTRY or OCCUPANT LOITER)" in inverse video on the LCD.  The way security resets it when they get there is touch their building access card to the RFID reader.  My supervisor's tried his, and it just says "NOT AUTHORIZED", despite him being a higher access level than the security staff.  Sometimes the alarm will be screaming for 30 minutes at a time until a guard can roll around like a sweaty man-sized Twinkie and tap his card on it, and squint around going 'right who set this orf - im bungin the whole lot ov yous in to da bors if you dont tell me who set this orf'.  There's a camera looking down at the doors anyhow, though, that's how they got the secretary who tripped it accidentally.

     



  • @drurowin said:

    (snip description of howling, barking, gibbering workplace insanity)

    I had it in my mind that anybody smart enough to write code should be able to figure out a hard-to-detect workaround for a dunny door lock, but after reading that I'm more inclined to recommend simple micro-adjustment.



  • @flabdablet said:

    @drurowin said:
    (snip description of howling, barking, gibbering workplace insanity)

    I had it in my mind that anybody smart enough to write code should be able to figure out a hard-to-detect workaround for a dunny door lock, but after reading that I'm more inclined to recommend simple micro-adjustment.

    I've got an interview at a slightly lower paying but 10000% more sane employer on Monday.  Wish me luck.

     



  • @drurowin said:

    ...(snip)...

    Wow. I think your toilet is more secure than the Federal Reserve gold vault.



  • @drurowin said:

    Wish me luck.

    Fine. You are so wished.



  • @drurowin said:

    I've got an interview at a slightly lower paying but 10000% more sane employer on Monday.  Wish me luck.

    I think you should frame it as "seeking refugee status". Normally it's considered unprofessional to bag out a previous employer but in this case they'd have to feel morally obliged to take you on.



  • @drurowin said:

    I've got an interview at a slightly lower paying
     

    Did you compensate for the toilet costs? Maybe it's net higher paying.



  • @drurowin said:

    I've got an interview at a slightly lower paying but 10000% more sane employer on Monday.  Wish me luck.

    Good luck.


    I really want you to get another job, so we get to hear about all of the vengeful sabotage you wreck on your current employer.


    By the way... have you considered shopping the CEO and his wife to the Inland Revenue? I mean, I know you don't have any tangible evidence of fraud, but this guy sounds to me like exactly the sort of person who'd be defrauding the government if he reckoned he could get away with it. The Revenue would be quite likely to agree, and they'd probably stick him onto the list of people who should be monitored.


    In fact, just make some shit up and submit it anonymously, about how he was bragging about his tax evasion in the pub, and let The Revenue investigate. At the very least it'll piss him off, and they'll probably find something to get him for. Either will be a result.



  • @eViLegion said:

    @drurowin said:
    I've got an interview at a slightly lower paying but 10000% more sane employer on Monday.  Wish me luck.

    Good luck.


    I really want you to get another job, so we get to hear about all of the vengeful sabotage you wreck on your current employer.


    By the way... have you considered shopping the CEO and his wife to the Inland Revenue? I mean, I know you don't have any tangible evidence of fraud, but this guy sounds to me like exactly the sort of person who'd be defrauding the government if he reckoned he could get away with it. The Revenue would be quite likely to agree, and they'd probably stick him onto the list of people who should be monitored.


    In fact, just make some shit up and submit it anonymously, about how he was bragging about his tax evasion in the pub, and let The Revenue investigate. At the very least it'll piss him off, and they'll probably find something to get him for. Either will be a result.

    You can't go wrong with the Ol' Morbs standby: slip him an extremely high does of LSD (at least 700 ug). Then brutally murder his entire family, and put the frame on him. He'll come to holding the murder weapon. Then let him spend the rest of his life in a jail cell, punishing himself for what he (and society) thinks he did.

    Option two, if you prefer the less-murderous route: load his computer up with kiddy porn and set it up so it shares those files to P2P networks that are monitored by the police. Also be sure to fabricate entries in his computer's history so it looks like he recently browsed through the files. This can all be done remotely with a virus if you are clever about it. Of course he'll claim he never looked at those files and doesn't know where they came from, but that's what all the paedos say..


    Edit: Oh, yeah, if you're the sort who believes in an afterlife or a vengeful God or any of that, you probably want to do something else. Maybe passive-aggressively pray for his soul every night. Because society may not figure out you framed this guy, but God will probably have something to say about it..



  • @eViLegion said:

    @drurowin said:
    I've got an interview at a slightly lower paying but 10000% more sane employer on Monday.  Wish me luck.

    Good luck.


    I really want you to get another job, so we get to hear about all of the vengeful sabotage you wreck on your current employer.


    By the way... have you considered shopping the CEO and his wife to the Inland Revenue? I mean, I know you don't have any tangible evidence of fraud, but this guy sounds to me like exactly the sort of person who'd be defrauding the government if he reckoned he could get away with it. The Revenue would be quite likely to agree, and they'd probably stick him onto the list of people who should be monitored.


    In fact, just make some shit up and submit it anonymously, about how he was bragging about his tax evasion in the pub, and let The Revenue investigate. At the very least it'll piss him off, and they'll probably find something to get him for. Either will be a result.

    Re The Revenue: A coworker this morning checked with Companies House.  The "cleaning service" is properly registered - by the owner's brother.

    But wait, there's more!  After having to drop a deuce all morning, and realizing that today's the day all you Yanks spend getting drunk and shooting off guns to celebrate being able to spell "colour" however you want, I've decided to gain my own independence from the toilet Nazis.

    I was sitting there thinking about it, and I realized: This thing has to communicate with the outside world somehow, so I went to my floor's comms closet with my supervisor in tow.  His badge, thankfully, had the rights to open the door.  I was looking at the patch panels, all neatly cabled and meticulously labelled.  One caught my eye.

    TLTSRV05.

    I looked to my supervisor.  "That can't mean fifth floor toilet server, can it?"  So we unplugged it.

    So, you may ask, what happens if the TLTSRV05 cable is unplugged?  Two things.  One: The toilet controller goes to a display that says "CASH ONLY" at the top of the idle screen.  Two: It apparently can't scream for help to the security desk.

    We jimmied both bathrooms open, and removed the steel plates the magnet locks lock to.  We were preparing to fill the alarm siren with spray foam when a guy from another workgroup who's affectionately known around the office as "Big Jim" shows up and asks if "we can shut the fucking dogs of hell up".  I told him we're trying.  He nodded once, reached up, and ripped the siren out of its wall mount, disconnecting the power wires in the process.  "There.  Now it's shut up.  For good."

    So far we've replaced the siren in its mount so it looks good if you walk by it, and we've told people to look like they're using their cards before they open the doors so if someone looks at the cameras they don't see Toiletpalooza 2013 going on down here.  A pregnant coworker is also pursuing a formal H+S and discrimination complaint about not having access to adequate toilet facilities.

    Any other suggestions for waging war on the Toilet Nazis?


  • Discourse touched me in a no-no place

    @drurowin said:

    A pregnant coworker is also pursuing a formal H+S and discrimination complaint about not having access to adequate toilet facilities.
    Are (any of) the toilets wheelchair accessible?



  • @PJH said:

    @drurowin said:
    A pregnant coworker is also pursuing a formal H+S and discrimination complaint about not having access to adequate toilet facilities.
    Are (any of) the toilets wheelchair accessible?
    Depends on "wheelchair accessible".  It's a single stool in the middle of a room designed for 4 + a urinal, or 5 in the ladies side.  You could play handball in there.  They do have a handrail along the back though.  Also, I'm in the UK, so we don't have a lot of your fancy "Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990, as amended" stuff here.



  • I'd still like to hear that he has a strongly smelling yellow liquid in his water cooler though. That'd be highly satisfactory.



  • Build an etherkiller (wire up the data lines to your 110 volt power cord) and plug that into the server, it'll disable the networking on the server but won't look as much like purposeful sabotage. Not unless you use it too much. (There's a chance it'll blow the motherboard too. But eh.)



  • @blakeyrat said:

    Build a ballkiller (wire up his balls to your 110 volt power cord) (There's a chance it'll blast his cock off. But eh.)

    FTFY



  • @eViLegion said:

    @blakeyrat said:
    Build a ballkiller (wire up his balls to your 110 volt power cord) (There's a chance it'll blast his cock off. But eh.)

    FTFY

     

    First, you take a short course on electrical engineering.

     

    Second, increase dosage to ~5,000-10,000 volts, or make his balls wet.



  • Yes I know it won't really blast his balls off, but it'll make you feel better.



  • @eViLegion said:

    Yes I know it won't really blast his balls off, but it'll make you feel better.
     

    I can help you imagine the scene with greater resolution, though.



  • By this point, it seems pretty plausible that the "accidents found by the cleaning staff" were inside jobs by the boss or his brother.



  • @spamcourt said:

    By this point, it seems pretty plausible that the "accidents found by the cleaning staff" were inside jobs by the boss or his brother.

    Were all the Jews in the building told to not use the bathroom ahead of time on those days? Because that would seal it.



  • @spamcourt said:

    By this point, it seems pretty plausible that the "accidents found by the cleaning staff" were inside jobs by the boss or his brother.
    Belated update: They've threatened to fire my supervisor over the unplugged network cord.  Apparently they noticed when the box didn't poll in with its totals at the end of the day.  This led to some hurried discussion amongst the staff, which I just got home from.

    We're forming a union, and we're going to threaten a work stoppage unless the toilets are made free again.

     Posting about this here finally really got me thinking about how crazy-go-nuts this is, and the more people we talked to about it, the more were on board with a union idea.



  • @eViLegion said:

    I really want you to get another job, so we get to hear about all of the vengeful sabotage you wreck on your current employer.

    As a reminder to everyone, here is the official todo for people leaving an organization in bad standing.


    • Configure as many services as possible to run under your account, so when they disable it all hell breaks loose
    • Put your speakers on 10 and create a scheduled task on your workstation to play MyHeartWillGoOn.mp3 once you are gone (also acceptable: any part of the Cannibal Corpse or DOA NYC opus - I recommend the very pleasant Total Annihilation)
    • Put a reboot batch file in the Windows startup folder (surprisingly nasty to debug when you don't know). If you don't use Windows it's less funny.
    • Hide meat in the office. Some people praise sushi for that, but in my experience there is nothing like rotten chicken.
    • Shit in the toilet tank


    The trick is not to cause data damage or change admin passwords (or replacing windshield washer with brake fluid), as those have a long history of backlashing. Stick to unpleasant effects that would have been avoided if the organization had good IT or workplace processes.



  • @dhromed said:

    @eViLegion said:

    Yes I know it won't really blast his balls off, but it'll make you feel better.
     

    I can help you imagine the scene with greater resolution, though.

    Every single person in that clip reminds me of actors on Sex Lives of the Potato Men.


  • Trolleybus Mechanic

    @Ronald said:

    Hide meat in the office. Some people praise sushi for that, but in my experience there is nothing like rotten chicken.
     

    Dried shrimp in a humid area. They won't get enough moisture to reconstitute for a good month, so it makes it much harder to pin on you. They're flakes, so they're easy to spread into/behind some damn near unreachable places. They stink to all hell once they start to go.

    @Ronald said:

    (or replacing windshield washer with brake fluid)

    Yeah, don't do that. You have it backwards.



  • If they disable your account (per the first item), then how would your computer run scheduled tasks or a batch file on login? METHINKS BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD.



  • @Lorne Kates said:

    Dried shrimp in a humid area. They won't get enough moisture to reconstitute for a good month, so it makes it much harder to pin on you. They're flakes, so they're easy to spread into/behind some damn near unreachable places. They stink to all hell once they start to go.

    You, sir, are a war criminal.

    @Lorne Kates said:

    @Ronald said:

    (or replacing windshield washer with brake fluid)

    Yeah, don't do that. You have it backwards.

    Well, it would make your windshield really gross.



  • @blakeyrat said:

    If they disable your account (per the first item), then how would your computer run scheduled tasks or a batch file on login? METHINKS BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD.

    Ah, but it works either way: if they disable or if they forget to disable. Or even better, the noise drives them so crazy the finally do disable, then all hell breaks loose.



  • @blakeyrat said:

    If they disable your account (per the first item), then how would your computer run scheduled tasks or a batch file on login? METHINKS BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD.

    1. Create some script which ensures various mission critical services are run under your personal account.


    2. Make sure to include some spurious comments within that explain "why" you are doing this...

      "\ couldn't get this to work under system/service accounts, so temporarily running it under my own"


    3. Configure that script to run on some server at start-up, with system level privileges.


    4. Finally, create an additional script, which re-does steps 1-3, via some rcon, and run THAT on a totally different server, on some system account.

      Don't forget to round that one off with more comments. They need to look like you genuinely thought that it was wise to be doing this for an actual business case, rather than just dicking off your boss.


    5. Essentially - chain that shit together as far as you can, on as many machines as you can, but leave a paper trail that demonstrates incompetence as opposed to malice.



  • @drurowin said:

    Apparently they noticed when the box didn't poll in with its totals at the end of the day.

    tcpdump, wireshark, tcpreplay

    Collect several days' worth and mix them up; don't want it looking too consistent.



  • @blakeyrat said:

    Build an etherkiller (wire up the data lines to your 110 volt power cord) and plug that into the server, it'll disable the networking on the server but won't look as much like purposeful sabotage. Not unless you use it too much. (There's a chance it'll blow the motherboard too. But eh.)

    The UK has proper electricity, not your pissweak American excuse for a mains supply. 240VAC will indeed do a loud, hot, bright and unmistakeably scented number on most motherboards.



  • @flabdablet said:

    @blakeyrat said:
    Build an etherkiller (wire up the data lines to your 110 volt power cord) and plug that into the server, it'll disable the networking on the server but won't look as much like purposeful sabotage. Not unless you use it too much. (There's a chance it'll blow the motherboard too. But eh.)

    The UK has proper electricity, not your pissweak American excuse for a mains supply. 2[b]30[/b]VAC will indeed do a loud, hot, bright and unmistakeably scented number on most motherboards.

    FTFY.


  • Discourse touched me in a no-no place

    @eViLegion said:

    @flabdablet said:
    @blakeyrat said:
    Build an etherkiller (wire up the data lines to your 110 volt power cord) and plug that into the server, it'll disable the networking on the server but won't look as much like purposeful sabotage. Not unless you use it too much. (There's a chance it'll blow the motherboard too. But eh.)

    The UK has proper electricity, not your pissweak American excuse for a mains supply. 230VAC will indeed do a loud, hot, bright and unmistakeably scented number on most motherboards.

    FTFY.

    No, you really didn't. It can be anywhere between ~216V and ~253V, with an average of 242V. That 230 figure is only a nominal value across the EU.


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