Horny



  • A recent event made me want to post this, so here goes:

    An episode from a previous boss, let's call her Beatrix. We were sitting in a meeting with a client.

    Beatrix: Say, have you got a new skirt?
    Client: Oh, yes I have, I'm wearing it first time today actually.
    Beatrix: Wow, that is really nice, really sexy. I bet you get a lot of attention! (haha) What do you think, arh? Isn't she sexy?
    arh: Uhm..
    Beatrix: Yeah, you really like it, don't you! Look at him! He's getting really horny now! He's totally turned on!!

    I even had to follow her out afterwards. You can imagine how embarassing that was. Uh, "see you?". Thankfully, I didn't.



  • @arh said:

    A recent event made me want to post this, so here goes:

    An episode from a previous boss, let's call her Beatrix. We were sitting in a meeting with a client.

    Beatrix: Say, have you got a new skirt?
    Client: Oh, yes I have, I'm wearing it first time today actually.
    Beatrix: Wow, that is really nice, really sexy. I bet you get a lot of attention! (haha) What do you think, arh? Isn't she sexy?
    arh: Uhm..
    Beatrix: Yeah, you really like it, don't you! Look at him! He's getting really horny now! He's totally turned on!!

    I even had to follow her out afterwards. You can imagine how embarassing that was. Uh, "see you?". Thankfully, I didn't.

    "Are you making fun of me because I'm gay" works every time.



  • So your boss was a chick, too?


    Were they both hot? Because if so, I would have whipped it out right there because there's a 50% chance they were trying to entice you into an orgy.

    Worst case scenario you get fired, your wife leaves you and takes the kids and house and you end up on a sex offender registry. But the best case scenario makes it a reasonable gamble.



  • @morbiuswilters said:

    So your boss was a chick, too?


    Were they both hot? Because if so, I would have whipped it out right there because there's a 50% chance they were trying to entice you into an orgy.

    Worst case scenario you get fired, your wife leaves you and takes the kids and house and you end up on a sex offender registry. But the best case scenario makes it a reasonable gamble.

    Here is a true story. Many years ago I had a female coworker that was extremely unattractive. I'm talking about a 0.25 OTIS [1] wearing sweatpants and sporting greasy ass-length hair that for some reason changed color in the middle of the back (going from dirty blonde to barfy brown). She was also a stinker and she had the most irritating voice I've ever heard (worse than Gilbert Gottfried) so one way or the other I could always tell when I arrived if she was already in the building without needing to see her, but thankfully it did not happen often as she was working the evening shift. During team meetings in the few moments when her mouth was not filled with two donuts and a sip of coffee (yeah - she was a fucking mouth-mixer) she would often make sexually inappropriate comments. Or provide graphic details about what she expected to see next time she would change her tampax. A few times I even saw her scrub the inside of her ear and then lick her finger. It was a well-known punishment to be seated near the bathroom closer to her desk because she was a frequent shitter that made a lot of noise and could stink up the place for hours (one guy even volunteered to join the Oracle Forms team just to move from that spot). Well you get the picture.



    For months she was a running gag in my clique. We would accuse each other of secretly getting blowjobs from her while she was taking a dump. During happy hours in the conference rooms when beer and wine was flowing we would dare new hires to go stick their nose on her chair. Some of us who had admin access would change each other's wallpapers or browser homepages to a pretty nasty selfie that she had in her network share. Her name, Kim, even became an insult, both a noun and a verb (such as: "what a kim", "go kim yourself", "that's a solid kimmer you left in the toilet" etc).



    Then at some point she got fired for selling bootleg copies of the company's MSDN box-set on eBay (including the serial numbers). I went out for drinks with an HR girl and brought up this incident, at which point she told me that management was happy because they had tried to get rid of her for a long time. I asked if that was because she was ugly and stinky but the HR girl face went white, and it took a few more drinks to get her to tell me that during all those months the disgusting bitch had been frequently gangbanged by the entire evening shift helpdesk (5-6 guys) in the servers room, there was even an alleged sex tape. Which is even more disturbing when you have seen those night shift people, mostly a bunch of unshaved/unbathed portuguese immigrants and/or Napoleon Dynamite doppelgangers (one even had a small fucked up hand, we called him "Handy" but he believed it was because he was good at reinstalling laptops).



    So the conclusion is yes. Beatrix probably wanted to get fucked.



    [1] One OTIS is how cool people call the maximum weight supported by an average elevator.




  • @Ronald said:

    during all those months the disgusting bitch had been frequently gangbanged by the entire evening shift helpdesk (5-6 guys) in the servers room, there was even an alleged sex tape. Which is even more disturbing when you have seen those night shift people, mostly a bunch of unshaved/unbathed portuguese immigrants and/or Napoleon Dynamite doppelgangers

    Thank you for ruining sex for me forever. Asshole.

    @Ronald said:

    [1] One OTIS is how cool people call the maximum weight supported by an average elevator.

    The average elevator? Wouldn't that be around 3500 pounds? So you're claiming she was basically the fattest woman ever or else your idea of "average elevator" is a bit lacking..



  • @morbiuswilters said:

    @Ronald said:
    [1] One OTIS is how cool people call the maximum weight supported by an average elevator.

    The average elevator? Wouldn't that be around 3500 pounds? So you're claiming she was basically the fattest woman ever or else your idea of "average elevator" is a bit lacking..

    She only weighed 0.25% OTIS, so 8¾ pounds.



  • @Ben L. said:

    @morbiuswilters said:
    @Ronald said:
    [1] One OTIS is how cool people call the maximum weight supported by an average elevator.

    The average elevator? Wouldn't that be around 3500 pounds? So you're claiming she was basically the fattest woman ever or else your idea of "average elevator" is a bit lacking..

    She only weighed 0.25% OTIS, so 8¾ pounds.

    Where did that % came from? I think you made it up so you could impress people by putting that ¾.




  • @Ronald said:

    @Ben L. said:
    @morbiuswilters said:
    @Ronald said:
    [1] One OTIS is how cool people call the maximum weight supported by an average elevator.

    The average elevator? Wouldn't that be around 3500 pounds? So you're claiming she was basically the fattest woman ever or else your idea of "average elevator" is a bit lacking..

    She only weighed 0.25% OTIS, so 8¾ pounds.

    Where did that % came from? I think you made it up so you could impress people by putting that ¾.

    I chose to add a percent sign because an 875lb woman isn't funny, especially if she's giving you a lapdance.



  • @Ben L. said:

    @Ronald said:
    @Ben L. said:
    @morbiuswilters said:
    @Ronald said:
    [1] One OTIS is how cool people call the maximum weight supported by an average elevator.

    The average elevator? Wouldn't that be around 3500 pounds? So you're claiming she was basically the fattest woman ever or else your idea of "average elevator" is a bit lacking..

    She only weighed 0.25% OTIS, so 8¾ pounds.

    Where did that % came from? I think you made it up so you could impress people by putting that ¾.

    I chose to add a percent sign because an 875lb woman isn't funny, especially if she's giving you a lapdance.

    0.25 OTIS isn't meant to be taken literally.  It's just a meme they created to mean "she's really fat".

    There was a co-worker at my company a few years ago and someone began joking that he weighed 587 lbs. even though he probably weighed around 300.  It was just a number somebody made up and eventually people began referring to other weights in Brian Units (BU), where 1 BU = 587 lbs..  So, for example, 200 lbs = 0.34 BU.



  • @El_Heffe said:

    0.25 OTIS isn't meant to be taken literally.  It's just a meme they created to mean "she's really fat".

    Well then why give me such bloody precision? If he was like "she weighed a ton lolololol" then I'd at least get it was an exaggeration. When Ronald's like "Hey, my shriveled cock is only 2.19 inches when erect!" how am I supposed to know this level of precision is only joking and this his erect cock is a "healthy, full 3 inches"?

    @El_Heffe said:

    There was a co-worker at my company a few years ago and someone began joking that he weighed 587 lbs. even though he probably weighed around 300.  It was just a number somebody made up and eventually people began referring to other weights in Brian Units (BU), where 1 BU = 587 lbs..  So, for example, 200 lbs = 0.34 BU.

    Significant digits!



  • @morbiuswilters said:

    When Ronald's like "Hey, my shriveled cock is only 2.19 inches when erect!" how am I supposed to know this level of precision is only joking and this his erect cock is a "healthy, full 3 inches"?

    If you want to know the size of my cock you can ask your mom, but wait until we're finished before calling otherwise her voice will sound muffled on the phone.



  • @Ronald said:

    If you want to know the size of my cock...

    No thanks. I hate that feeling when somebody does something really embarrassing and you can't stop cringing for them.

    @Ronald said:

    ...you can ask your mom, but wait until we're finished before calling otherwise her voice will sound muffled on the phone.

    Oh, a "your mom" joke.. there's that cringing feeling again.



  • @morbiuswilters said:

    @Ronald said:
    If you want to know the size of my cock...

    No thanks. I hate that feeling when somebody does something really embarrassing and you can't stop cringing for them.

    Hey, it's normal for someone to be proud of something, even if they don't have much of it.



  • @morbiuswilters said:

    Oh, a "your mom" joke.. there's that cringing feeling again.

    Sorry, I meant: your mother-in-law. As you told us she's ugly, but she's tighter than you mom since she did not have a big moron come out of her pussy...



  • @Ronald said:

    @morbiuswilters said:
    Oh, a "your mom" joke.. there's that cringing feeling again.

    Sorry, I meant: your mother-in-law. As you told us she's ugly, but she's tighter than you mom since she did not have a big moron come out of her pussy...

    Better.


    (Also, she's no longer my mother-in-law. Also, she's gross, so I don't know why you'd brag about this.)



  • @morbiuswilters said:

    So your boss was a chick, too?


    Were they both hot? Because if so, I would have whipped it out right there because there's a 50% chance they were trying to entice you into an orgy.

    Worst case scenario you get fired, your wife leaves you and takes the kids and house and you end up on a sex offender registry. But the best case scenario makes it a reasonable gamble.

    Sorry, but there's no way the sex could possibly be as rewarding as the huge financial settlement you'd get for turning in the boss for "creating a hostile workplace environment".



  • @morbiuswilters said:

    Also, she's gross, so I don't know why you'd brag about this.

    She's gross, but she has removable dentures and that's always a plus.



  • @da Doctah said:

    @morbiuswilters said:

    So your boss was a chick, too?


    Were they both hot? Because if so, I would have whipped it out right there because there's a 50% chance they were trying to entice you into an orgy.

    Worst case scenario you get fired, your wife leaves you and takes the kids and house and you end up on a sex offender registry. But the best case scenario makes it a reasonable gamble.

    Sorry, but there's no way the sex could possibly be as rewarding as the huge financial settlement you'd get for turning in the boss for "creating a hostile workplace environment".

    Odds of (1) winning that case and (2) getting paid are terrible. Plus in that situation it's the company that is on the line, not the boss, so that's bound to make things weird at the watercooler.



  • @Ronald said:

    Then at some point she got fired for selling bootleg copies of the company's MSDN box-set on eBay (including the serial numbers). I went out for drinks with an HR girl and brought up this incident, at which point she told me that management was happy because they had tried to get rid of her for a long time. I asked if that was because she was ugly and stinky but the HR girl face went white, and it took a few more drinks to get her to tell me that during all those months the disgusting bitch had been frequently gangbanged by the entire evening shift helpdesk (5-6 guys) in the servers room, there was even an alleged sex tape. Which is even more disturbing when you have seen those night shift people, mostly a bunch of unshaved/unbathed portuguese immigrants and/or Napoleon Dynamite doppelgangers (one even had a small fucked up hand, we called him "Handy" but he believed it was because he was good at reinstalling laptops).

    HEY!

    I resent the "portuguese immigrants" part.



  • @arh said:

    A recent event made me want to post this, so here goes:

    An episode from a previous boss, let's call her Beatrix. We were sitting in a meeting with a client.

    Beatrix: Say, have you got a new skirt?
    Client: Oh, yes I have, I'm wearing it first time today actually.
    Beatrix: Wow, that is really nice, really sexy. I bet you get a lot of attention! (haha) What do you think, arh? Isn't she sexy?
    arh: Uhm..
    Beatrix: Yeah, you really like it, don't you! Look at him! He's getting really horny now! He's totally turned on!!

    I even had to follow her out afterwards. You can imagine how embarassing that was. Uh, "see you?". Thankfully, I didn't.

     

     

    You don't happen to work in London for a company that provided travel related booking and information solutions do you? Because that sounds like a lady that I used to work with exactly the same name.

     



  •  Our former queen is called Beatrix.




  • @dhromed said:

     Our former queen is called Beatrix.


    Yep. That's her - I remember the hat.



  • @dhromed said:

    Our former queen is called Beatrix.

    I have two questions:

    1. Why is she wearing a cake on her head?
    2. Why is she holding her hand as if she's about to examine some dude's "crown jewels" (or just did)?
    3. Do I even want to know?



  •  She's even making the international standard sign for Holding A Penis.



  • @Anarud said:

    HEY! I resent the "portuguese immigrants" part.
    Hm. Your location says "Portugal". Assuming this is correct, you are either a portuguese citizen currently residing in Portugal, or a foreigner doing so. In the former case, you are not an immigrant, in the latter you are an immigrant, but a non-portuguese one. So either way, this should not concern you.



  • @Anonymouse said:

    @Anarud said:

    HEY! I resent the "portuguese immigrants" part.
    Hm. Your location says "Portugal". Assuming this is correct, you are either a portuguese citizen currently residing in Portugal, or a foreigner doing so. In the former case, you are not an immigrant, in the latter you are an immigrant, but a non-portuguese one. So either way, this should not concern you.

    Also he should stop looking like the Sheriff of Nottingham.



  • @Ronald said:

    @Anonymouse said:

    @Anarud said:

    HEY! I resent the "portuguese immigrants" part.
    Hm. Your location says "Portugal". Assuming this is correct, you are either a portuguese citizen currently residing in Portugal, or a foreigner doing so. In the former case, you are not an immigrant, in the latter you are an immigrant, but a non-portuguese one. So either way, this should not concern you.

    Also he should stop looking like the Sheriff of Nottingham.

    Like you said, unshaved and unbathed.  All he's gotta do is avoid emigrating.

     



  • @Anonymouse said:

    Why is she wearing a cake on her head?
     

    Original designer hats are her signature look. It's a topic of discussion. An anticipiation for every time she makes a public appearance.



  • @dhromed said:

    @Anonymouse said:

    Why is she wearing a cake on her head?
     

    Original designer hats are her signature look. It's a topic of discussion. An anticipiation for every time she makes a public appearance.

    Oh, like Michelle Obama and dresses made from stapled-together carpet samples.



  • @morbiuswilters said:

    @dhromed said:

    @Anonymouse said:

    Why is she wearing a cake on her head?
     

    Original designer hats are her signature look. It's a topic of discussion. An anticipiation for every time she makes a public appearance.

    Oh, like Michelle Obama and dresses made from stapled-together carpet samples.

    She has to lead by example for an America on a budget.

     



  • @drurowin said:

    @morbiuswilters said:

    @dhromed said:

    @Anonymouse said:

    Why is she wearing a cake on her head?
     

    Original designer hats are her signature look. It's a topic of discussion. An anticipiation for every time she makes a public appearance.

    Oh, like Michelle Obama and dresses made from stapled-together carpet samples.

    She has to lead by example for an America on a budget.

     

    The worst part is, those abominations probably cost the taxpayers a few grand each. Not to mention, aren't there like twenty fucking people on the White House payroll whose job it is to make sure the First Lady doesn't look like shit? I mean, personally I think that's bullshit--they should buy their own clothes and I could give a shit if the President and his harpy look good in front of the other dictators and aging, senile royal figureheads who are all trying to out-do each other in the "looking like shit while wasting a bunch of money" department like a bunch of retarded children in some kind of "how much cow manure can you roll in while setting fire to a bank despository?" contest.

    Hey, America, did you forget who you are? We don't need our jackass leaders pissing away the wealth of the working class on the hideous aristocratic fashions du jour. If they want to piss away their own money, then fine, but we don't need fashion consultants and people trying to manage their image like they're goddamn celebrities to be worshiped by the mouth-breathing proletariat (although that is precisely what they've become.)



  • @morbiuswilters said:

    Not to mention, aren't there like twenty fucking people on the White House payroll whose job it is to make sure the First Lady doesn't look like shit?

    There are branches of Taco Bell that are better managed than the White House. Ex: the internship program "database and front-end" is a spreadsheet, and there is an ambitious 5-year program to replace it with a SaaS (see the RFP here). Not to mention the frequent email fuckups or the silverware that keeps disappearing since they have african-american tenants.



  • @Ronald said:

    ...or the silverware that keeps disappearing since they have african-american tenants.

    What this site needed was more asinine racism.



  • @morbiuswilters said:

    What this site needed was more asinine racism.

    I found Ronald's profile pic:



  • @blakeyrat said:

    @morbiuswilters said:
    What this site needed was more asinine racism.

    I found Ronald's profile pic:

    I don't geddit. Who is that? She's a chef.. I can tell from the basket of shit to the left of her and the pans to the right...

    does a Google News search for "racist chef"

    Sooo.. she's like 100 years old and she used the n-word at some time in her life and she got fired? That's.. kind of stupid. I mean, anybody over, like, 30 has probably used the n-word in their life. Was she caught on tape screaming it at somebody recently or something? Because from the article on CNN she just admitted in a deposition to using it "in the past", which is very vague.

    She's being sued for racism by former employees, but I don't think anybody's going to know what happened there. On the one hand, some ancient white woman being racist probably isn't too surprising. On the other, probably half of black people who get fired blame it on racism because it's easier than admitting they fucked up. (Chicks blame getting fired on sexism. Poor and middle-class white people blame it on the rich. And rich white people enjoy getting fired cuz they get an 8-digit severance.)


    Ronald's more of that creepy, leering older man kind of bigot where he says a bunch of racist shit, then tries to slyly claim he was "joking". Like a Michael Richards par excellence. But you know they're just going home and fapping it to the DVD of Roots that permanently lives in their DVD player. (Well, the parts that aren't up-lifting to blacks, at least. Assuming Roots has up-lifting parts. I've never seen it, because I'm not racist and don't have anything to make up for.)



  • @morbiuswilters said:

    @Ronald said:
    ...or the silverware that keeps disappearing since they have african-american tenants.

    What this site needed was more asinine racism.

    Q: Guess under what administration the following happened:


    • the White House was covered with graffitis
    • lots of historical artefacts got stolen or damaged
    • furniture and various gifts sent to the White House found their way to the private residence of the tenants


    A: Clinton.

    So the kenyan can steal as much silverware he wants, he has a long way to go to get to Clinton's level of greed.


  • @Ronald said:

    @morbiuswilters said:
    @Ronald said:
    ...or the silverware that keeps disappearing since they have african-american tenants.

    What this site needed was more asinine racism.

    Q: Guess under what administration the following happened:


    • the White House was covered with graffitis
    • lots of historical artefacts got stolen or damaged
    • furniture and various gifts sent to the White House found their way to the private residence of the tenants


    A: Clinton.

    So the kenyan can steal as much silverware he wants, he has a long way to go to get to Clinton's level of greed.

    So if I understand your reasoning.. it's okay for you to be a racist twat so long as you hate a white person even more? Or.. what the..



  • @morbiuswilters said:

    I mean, anybody over, like, 30 has probably used the n-word in their life.

    Is the n-word "Nappy headed hoes"? Cause I use that a lot.

    @morbiuswilters said:

    Ronald's more of that creepy, leering older man kind of bigot where he says a bunch of racist shit, then tries to slyly claim he was "joking".

    I never said I was joking. It was implied in a manner that prevents only morons to notice it.

    @morbiuswilters said:

    But you know they're just going home and fapping it to the DVD of Roots that permanently lives in their DVD player. (Well, the parts that aren't up-lifting to blacks, at least. Assuming Roots has up-lifting parts. I've never seen it, because I'm not racist and don't have anything to make up for.)

    I hated Roots because it's racist. They conveniently skipped the part where African slaves are bought by white slavers from African slavers, and not hunted down in the forest. They made it look like slavery was a thing that white men created but the truth is that it's was very common in all cultures at that time.



  • @morbiuswilters said:

    So if I understand your reasoning.. it's okay for you to be a racist twat so long as you hate a white person even more? Or.. what the..

    When you use the word "twat" as an insult, you're being a sexist twat. It's not much better than being an alleged racist twat.



  • @Ronald said:

    They conveniently skipped the part where African slaves are bought by white slavers from African slavers, and not hunted down in the forest.

    Yeah, that makes a huge difference. I mean, those slaves were practically throwing themselves aboard white people's ships at the time! Those Europeans were just coming around to see if anybody wanted to play frisbee and those darn blacks pretty much forced themselves on the Noble White Race and demanded to be taken halfway around the world and forced to do agricultural labor. And the white men were just too polite to decline.

    @Ronald said:

    They made it look like slavery was a thing that white men created but the truth is that it's was very common in all cultures at that time.

    Yeah, obviously: pretty much every raped, enslaved and/or genocided everyone else at some point. But if you can't recognize that Europeans were the major drivers of the African slave trade, and all the agony it caused, then you are a jackass. At the same time, I think people tend to fixate on it too much, to the point where slavery is still making people miserable because some dicks can't stop picking the fucking scab.



  • @Ronald said:

    When you use the word "twat" as an insult, you're being a sexist twat.

    I'm using it in the light-hearted British manner. Also, it's absurdly stupid to claim calling a woman a twat or a cunt is somehow offensive to all women. I mean, they can be offended all they want, but I'll care when people stop using the word "dick" to describe dickish people.



  • @blakeyrat said:

    @morbiuswilters said:
    What this site needed was more asinine racism.

    I found Ronald's profile pic:

    Is that the brillant Paula Deen?

     



  • @morbiuswilters said:

    I don't geddit. blah blah blah blah blah anything to make up for.)

    I now regret making a silly joke.



  • @blakeyrat said:

    @morbiuswilters said:
    I don't geddit. blah blah blah blah blah anything to make up for.)

    I now regret making a silly joke.

    Making people regret silly jokes is my superpower.



  • @morbiuswilters said:

    But if you can't recognize that Europeans were the major drivers of the African slave trade, and all the agony it caused, then you are a jackass.

    Depends what you mean by "the African slave trade". As an example, a very large area in western africa has been basically built by slaves under the control of the Ashanti people. And that's just one of the many well-documented instances of african slavery.



    If you need to be politically correct from an ethnocentric American perspective and specifically highlight the pain and suffering of the african slaves who were brought in America by Europeans, go for it, but looking at the big picture does not make one a racist.



  • @Ronald said:

    As an example, a very large area in western africa has been basically built by slaves under the control of the Ashanti people. And that's just one of the many well-documented instances of african slavery.

    Of course there are. Africa is fucked.

    @Ronald said:

    If you need to be politically correct from an ethnocentric American perspective and specifically highlight the pain and suffering of the african slaves who were brought in America by Europeans...

    I'm not sure how acknowledging slavery is "politically correct", but obviously I'm more focused on what happens close to home rather than what happened a long time ago in a far-off place that is still fucked today. I feel bad for all the fucked-over people in history, but Africans being dicks to Africans isn't really a hot topic in the US. (And also, I already said I think people focus too much on slavery in America, and for some of the points you're making. A lot of it is counter-productive scab-picking.)

    @Ronald said:

    ...but looking at the big picture does not make one a racist.

    The problem isn't that you're "looking at the big picture", you smug cunt, it's that you're using this as thin cover for saying racist shit. Saying the equivalent of "You know 'dem coons is stealin' silverware from the White House" is the talk of a crazy old racist shithead. This "But.. but.. Africans also had slaves!" defense doesn't redeem your comments so much as highlight that you've probably been called on this before and have gotten quite good at throwing up chaff.



  • @morbiuswilters said:

    @blakeyrat said:
    @morbiuswilters said:
    I don't geddit. blah blah blah blah blah anything to make up for.)

    I now regret making a silly joke.

    Making people regret silly jokes is my superpower.

    So basically what you're saying is that Paula Deen is a black lesbian man?



  • @morbiuswilters said:

    Saying the equivalent of "You know 'dem coons is still silverware from the White House" is the talk of a crazy old racist shithead.

    Who said that? He must be a racist! Someone should call Al Sharpton or another honest civil rights activist.



  • @Ben L. said:

    So basically what you're saying is that Paula Deen is a black lesbian man?

    The proper term is "gaysnubian"



  • @Ronald said:

    @morbiuswilters said:
    Saying the equivalent of "You know 'dem coons is still silverware from the White House" is the talk of a crazy old racist shithead.

    Who said that? He must be a racist! Someone should call Al Sharpton or another honest civil rights activist.

    Yeah, Sharpton's a hack race-baiter and so are you. Enjoy 69'ing him forever in Hell.


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