Post Your (SFW) Internet Guilty Pleasures Here thread
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In yet another effort to stave of suicidal impulses, I figure - why not.
Aside from WTDWTF itself, I've already mentioned Whateley Academy (and will continue mentioning it until someone else here actually tries to read some of the stories
). I also will often spend disturbing amounts of time on TVtropes, though I expect that this is hardly unusual. I also still check on The Saga of Tuck from time to time, in the vain hope that Ellen will one day return to us and gloriously post yet another instalment to keep her fans dragging along. And yeah, I've written fanfic for both, sorry-ass cave troll that I am.On the subject of my fanfic, I also read about five webcomics regularly, down from the 60+ I used to follow: El Goonish Shive, Rain LGBT, XKCD, Peter is the Wolf, and Poly in Pictures.
Oh, and I sometimes still answer questions on Daniweb and DevShed, though I haven't been doing that all that much lately; it's only a 'guilty' pleasure because of how much time I spend on writing detailed, fact-checked (sometimes) answers to questions posted by newbies who probably will never actually come back to see if anyone replied.
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If I have understood the reason for this thread correctly.
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www.womeninwaders.com
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Here's an older one I forgot:
I was a regular on the fan mailing list when it was still running, but I never did get any stories submitted. And yeah, I'm nerdy enough to have made a TVtropes page for a fanfic series.
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www.thedailywtf.com has some really funny articles at times ...
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... And a few subreddits on woodturning...
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www.thedailywtf.com has some really funny articles at times ...
Yes, but personally I don't see that as a guilty pleasure (maybe I should). The forum, on the other hand...
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http://notalwaysright.com/ family of sites. It is a good relief to know that you're not the only one having to deal with stupid people.
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- quora.com (protip: stay out of the interpersonal interactions section. the advice given there is consistently bad enough to make you
)
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I watched Time Barbarians (1990) on Amazon Prime Wednesday.
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Not mystical, just depressing.
Seriously, I am the sort who thinks Murphy was an optimist, and was once told by Yahtzee that I was too cynical, though I think he was joking.
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stave off
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I don't see that as a guilty pleasure
I could be if the :wft: you're reporting comes from in house
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As tempted as I am to play "how many of these are in the blocked 'entertainment' or 'mature humor' categories at my workplace", I think I'll pass.
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I like writing compilers that output BIT.
GitHub - BenLubar/bit: A Go interpreter for David Morgan-Mar's BIT language
A Go interpreter for David Morgan-Mar's BIT language - BenLubar/bit
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http://notalwaysworking.com is my favourite of that family.
http://textsbetweenmen.com/ has some funny stuff sometimes.
A lot of my favourites guilty pleasures are the car build/restoration threads on car forums, like this one:
http://www.zatzy.com/forum/showthread.php?374743-mrspringer-Saab-9-3-SRT10-MegaPower
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http://textsbetweenmen.com/ has some funny stuff sometimes.
That gives me 403 Forbidden (?!)
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- works for me. I've just clicked the link to make sure.
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@loopback0 said:
http://textsbetweenmen.com/ has some funny stuff sometimes.
That gives me 403 Forbidden (?!)
Well, your'e not a man. Duh.
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I like writing compilers that output BIT.
That is not so much of a guilty pleasure and is more of a "shit no one asked for".
Also: LogJam
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blocked 'entertainment' or 'mature humor'
I guess WTDWTF gets a pass due to being in "immature humor"?
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More likely it's not popular enough to be investigated more thoroughly by the people who run those kind of filters.
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Reviving this thread because why the fuck not.
I mentioned Sith Academy already, right? Fuck it, I'll mention it again.
"A true Sith lets his hate flow through him at all times. Exploit the fear of your opponents, and you shall be able to achieve anything.""Yes, my Master."
"Good, now put your foot on the brake and shift out of park."
Darth Maul obediently did as his Master instructed, and the little hovercraft with the "Student Driver" labels eased into the Coruscant skies.
"Yes, may I speak to Mister Obi-Wan Kenobi?""This is he."
"Hello Mister Kenobi, my name is Darth Maul and I'm calling from American Express. We'd like to send you a credit card. All I need to do is confirm your current address."
"I don't need a credit card."
"We'll send it to you at no obligation. Your account will only be activated once you use the card. So, do you still reside at the Jedi Temple?"
"I told you, I don't need a credit card. The Jedi Temple pays all my expenses."
"I understand, Mister Kenobi, but what if you decided to take a fling on the Dark Side?"
"Excuse me?"
"You know, dancing girls, whores, gambling. American Express will cover that, but the Jedi Temple won't."
"But I'd never..."
"Surely a young man like you has needs, Mister Kenobi. American Express can pay for them."
"Will it pay for dancing boys?"
"Most certainly!"
"Well, okay then."
"Excellent!"
Maul sat on the sofa, deep in a stare down with his new pet.His new pet was winning.
Maul deepened his stare, determined to win this battle.
The small striped kitty was having none of it. She stared back, giving as good as she got and then some.
Maul growled.
The kitty hissed.
Much to his surprise, Maul blinked.
Victorious, the kitty started licking her butt.
Maul looked around, but saw no one."Tools you need. Too many kinds. Very, very frustrating."
Maul finally located the voice. It was coming from a very short creature with triangular ears that stuck out horizontally. It had fuzzy white hair, a very small uniform, and a name tag reading "MY NAME IS YODA."
"Help you I can," said the creature.
"Do you work here?" Maul asked, at a loss.
"Weekends only," said Yoda. "Pays like crap, my day job does. Moonlighting this is called. Tell me what you need, young Sith."
Maul started, pulling his hood down over his eyes in a futile effort at disguise.
"Do not worry, young Sith," said Yoda. "Sunday this is, work for Wal-Mart I do now. Meet me Monday, lightsaber your ass I will. Today, show you quality merchandise at low low prices I must. What need you?"
"The grass mocks me," said Darth Maul. "I will have revenge."
Yoda shook his head and clucked softly. "I sense much anger in you, young Sith. Careful you must be. Anger leads to hatred. Hatred leads to divots. And bald spots. How big this field of grass is, that mocks you so?"
"Big," said Darth Maul.
"Riding mower you need? We have many."
"Is that what you recommend?"
Yoda looked him over. "Bad bad idea, I think. Drag on ground that cape will, into blades it will suck you. One Sith bad enough is, 1000 very small ones...need that, no one does."
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@rc4 said in Post Your (SFW) Internet Guilty Pleasures Here thread:
Good ol' Discourse...Wait, why was this thread in Unread?
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Oh right, I never finished reading it, huh? One moment...
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@ScholRLEA AAHHH!! I was reading that! Then it exploded!!!! !!!
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@ben_lubar I thought that was a horizontal rule. Stupid of me to be doing this on my phone anyway, feh.
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@ScholRLEA said in Post Your (SFW) Internet Guilty Pleasures Here thread:
@ben_lubar I thought that was a horizontal rule. Stupid of me to be doing this on my phone anyway, feh.
Three --- usually does hr, but it has to be surrounded in line breaks on both sides.
I'm pretty sure *** works too
Maybe even ___?
Well...
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@ScholRLEA said in Post Your (SFW) Internet Guilty Pleasures Here thread:
I mentioned Sith Academy already, right?
is... that the right link?
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@Yamikuronue said in Post Your (SFW) Internet Guilty Pleasures Here thread:
@ScholRLEA said in Post Your (SFW) Internet Guilty Pleasures Here thread:
I mentioned Sith Academy already, right?
is... that the right link?
???
Probably not. Maybe that's his real guilty SFW pleasure!
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@Tsaukpaetra Yeah, no. The correct link is http://www.siubhan.com/sithacademy/ I'll go fix that now.
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Clients From Hell Stories- Funny & True Stories | NotAlwaysRight.com
A collection of client horror stories from designers and freelancers on CFH.
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@ScholRLEA said in Post Your (SFW) Internet Guilty Pleasures Here thread:
"Will it pay for dancing boys?"
New headcanon: gay Obi-wan.
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Well then, try this one on for size:
"Here, try this drink," a helpful voice said, pushing a particularly noxious-looking concoction at Maul. He downed it in one huge gulp. The last words he remembered hearing were, "It's called a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster..."
Maul woke up with his face buried in the back of someone's neck. How did he..? Hazy memories of picking someone up in a bar and going back to his place where they indulged in hours and hours of wild Force-driven monkey love started filtering into his brain. He picked up a guy in a bar? A guy powerful with the Force? A guy with a little braid behind his ear? A guy with a sandy buzz cut and a little Jedi ponytail? A guy who looked an awful lot like his twit neighbor...
Oh shit. He'd slept with Obi-Wan Kenobi.
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Clients From Hell Stories- Funny & True Stories | NotAlwaysRight.com
A collection of client horror stories from designers and freelancers on CFH.
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Bored now. Time for more Sith Academy quotes! These are all from my friend Becca's story "Religious Experiences".
Maul blinked. Then his eyes slid down to take in his master's current costume, and he shuddered. This couldn't be good.
Sidious was dressed in black, but it wasn't his usual Sith robes (the set with the hood so voluminous that he had to use the Force to keep from bumping into things, since he couldn't see a damn thing with it up). Neither was it a darker-than-usual version of his Palpatine persona's Senatorial drag -- oh no. And the scowl written across his face was all Sith. But...Maul took in the perfectly pressed trousers, highly polished dress shoes, white dress shirt, very subtly embroidered black waistcoat and hand-tailored coat-and-tails -- not to mention the top hat, cane, white kid gloves and cravat tie complete with a tiny ruby tietack -- with a growing sense of shock. His master was wearing the usual pound or so of makeup that he used to hide his Sithly pallor and sunken eyes, but with considerably less rouge than usual. His russet-and-gray curls had been swept back neatly from his forehead, gelled in place and tied at his nape with a black satin bow. Maul felt his jaw dropping further and further with every detail that he noticed. Darth Sidious, Dark Transvestite of the Sith, was dressed in guy clothes.
And he was clearly not happy about it. "Maul," he snapped without preamble, "I am afraid that breakfast is out. For you, at least. I have an assignment for you."
"Yes Master. But if this 'wedding' exercise is not to be used to hone my rage, then why am I going?"
"That's quite simple." Sidious smiled tightly. "If I am to be forced to dress like a damned stage magician, attend a church service, then stand around drinking bad punch and making small talk with fifty of the people I most despise in all the galaxy, then I refuse to suffer such agony alone. Now pull on a shirt and get moving! Oh, and make sure you brush your teeth before you go."
"Something wrong, Master?" Maul was restrained from gloating over his master's discomfort by the realization that whatever impending doom Sidious was fretting over was something the two of them would doubtless share.
Sidious coughed and shifted in his seat. "Have you ever heard of the Jabba's Witnesses?"
Uhoh. "Yes, one of them used to live across from me. He kept trying to slip pamphlets under my door." Jabba's Witnesses were one of the more notorious evangelical cults on Coruscant. From what Maul knew, they were founded about fifty years ago when a Jedi Knight had had a religious experience while on Tatooine (after eating two pounds of bad rye bread in a bar bet). As a result, he had suddenly decided that the eponymous Hutt crime lord was in fact a holy martyr, whose sacrifice would liberate the galaxy from some as-yet-unrevealed evil and bring about the usual 'golden age' that such religions liked to blather about. The Jedi had returned to Coruscant, been tossed out on his ear by the Council for attempting to convert the entire Academy to his beliefs, and had gone on to found his own church. Jabbans were obsessive (and obnoxious) when it came to attempting to win new converts; not content to pressure friends and relatives, they evangelized coworkers, apartment floormates, strangers on buses and in transit terminals, passerby on the streets and, once or twice, the carnivorous foodstuffs living under Maul's couch. Their tendency to dress like corporate drones and go door-to-door passing out insipid pamphlets were actually among the least strange of their religious traditions; Maul had heard rumors of bizarre sexual practices, stringent and apparently randomly-chosen behavioral restrictions, and slug handling, all of which might or might not be performed at the same time. The Witnesses were, fortunately, easily identifiable by their necklaces, which bore solid gold pendants which (somewhat abstractly) were formed in the likeness of Jabba the Hutt hanging by his neck from a chain. (At a distance, they actually tended to remind Maul of gilded cat turds). "Why?"
"Well, with the exception of Cynthia, all five of my older brother's children converted en masse ten years ago, as did their mother. Today you and I have the rare privilege cough of attending a Jabban wedding."
Maul's mind was suddenly filled with the image of himself staggering out of the reception area at the end of the night with every pocket, his belt, his shirt, his pants, even his damned boot-tops stuffed full of little pamphlets, copies of their "Salvation out of Tatooine!" little hardbound books speared on his horns, slug tracks across his shirtfront and the taste of moldy rye bread clogging his throat. And what worried him the most was that Sidious, upon noticing this image in his mind, didn't laugh. Not so much as a malevolent snicker.
Apparently there were things that even a Sith Master feared...
Sidious for once was at a loss as to how to react. "Er, this is Mary Sue. She is..." (How does one introduce one's illegitimate, Force-sex-bred daughter to one's paleolithically-backwards, thorny-hearted mother, anyway)?
"You and Cynthia aren't really...fucking, are you?"
She grinned again, a slightly sadistic gleam in her eye. "Like minks."
Maul winced. "Oh come on! That -- I mean, look at her! And...and I'm right across the hall, why fuck her when we could be -- "
Mary Sue shrugged. "She's better company than you are. And she's better in the sack, too."
As one, the Jabbans started to sing along with the music, in Huttese of course, leaving the rest of the assembled mumbling along halfassedly with awkward expressions. Most of them probably didn't speak Huttese, which Maul thought was probably a blessing. (Though he would have loved to have seen the faces of the Jedi when they realized they had been reluctantly humming on about Jabba's penchant for erotic asphyxia when perpetrated by metal-clad bikini girls...).
[during the Jabban sermon]
Another hour later, the priest finished up the litany of sins with a list of sexual 'crimes against Jabba' that had begun rather tamely with homosexuality and ended up with several perversions so varied and exotic that even Sidious looked to be at a loss about some of them.
Somewhere in the back of his mind, Maul admitted to having wondered how Sidious's family would manage to shoehorn his neighbor out of her beloved black and into your typical frippy, wear-it-once-and-then-bury-it-in-the-back-of-the-closet bridesmaid's dress. The obvious answer was, they hadn't. Well, not exactly. Okay, granted, it was a bridesmaid's dress, fashioned seam for seam, fold for fold and length for length identical to all the others in the ceremony. But it wasn't pink. And it sure wasn't chiffon. And it looked rather elegant, actually, as did the rest of the outfit. The hair and the nails and the lips were now all the same uniform flame red, as was the baby's breath bouquet, which she'd somehow managed to dye without destroying it. And he had to admit, for a round little thing, she looked unnervingly tasty in a low-cut dress. But that wasn't the point. No, that wasn't it at all. The point of Cynthia's going to the time and expense to create and wear the first black patent-leather bridesmaid's dress ever to appear outside of Yoda's 'special' wardrobe was the number of jaws that dropped as she breezed past, arm in arm with her brown-robed escort.
"So," the Sith master breezed as he sat down, "How many cups of punch did you have?"
Maul patted his belly, which sloshed. "Six, I think." His thirst had relocated to Tatooine, he had a very nice sugar rush coming on and suddenly things seemed nowhere near as boring or uncomfortable as they had before.
"Six, did you say? Hm." Sidious chuckled. "It seems that the punchbowl is very popular." Indeed, all fifty gallons of the red fluid were rapidly disappearing down the throats of Sidious's relatives, with the notable exception of Mary Sue and Cynthia, who seemed to have vanished. (What they were doing to cheer Cynthia up, and where, Maul did not particularly wish to contemplate). Maul noticed a smile growing on Sidious's face. Unlike those he had worn all day, this one was not fake -- which was to say, in the moment or two before he hid it again, it positively dripped with malicious glee. Maul went cold. This was not a good sign.
Maul woke up feeling like a circus parade had marched into his mouth, made a stopover in his sinuses, then headed down his throat and out of his navel -- and that someone had forgotten to sweep up after the banthas afterward. He was lying on a very cold stone surface, stiff all over, shivering and crusted itchily with dried sweat and what felt like a heat rash. When he opened his eyes he discovered that he was sprawled belly-up on top of the Jabban altar, deactivated lightsaber gripped in one fist but everything else he'd been wearing -- with the exception of his top hat and those red satin boxers -- conspicuously missing. Slug tracks crossed his chest and thighs -- and all of his joints ached dully. Other than all of that, however, he was surprisingly relaxed.
The Jabban priest let out another wail and curled tighter, shoulders all but folding up over the top of his head. Then he began rocking back and forth, all the way mumbling semicoherently about horrible demon-creatures forcing him to break his vows...
Maul considered this a moment, then scowled as he remembered something. "You're the one who ripped my clothes off, you fucking hypocrite."
"If you were going to drug your entire damn family, why didn't you at least make sure that the acid was good first?"
"Where's the fun in that?"
"Gee, and here I though it was part of your job to corrupt the innocent."
He eyed her, then shrugged.
"In fact, I'd figure on self righteous priests being one of your favorite targets."
"Well, when you put it that way...maybe. But I'd hardly call a Jabban priest innocent -- or a force for good, for that matter."
A slow smile spread across her face. "You might not, but his followers do. Rumor has it your little display's already written itself into the Jabban mythology. They've decided that you're the embodiment of evil and corruption."
Maul urked. "I'm the anti-Jabba?"
Cynthia grinned and nodded. "Yup. Congratulations. You've become a cultural icon. Course, it probably means they'll try and kill you."
He considered. A chance to slaughter dozens of annoying evangelists under the legal pretext of self-defense? He looked for a downside to this, found none, and smiled slowly. "Bring 'em on."
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@ScholRLEA The NSFW Internet Guilty Pleasures thread is
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@ScholRLEA I'm kinda going back and forth between "wtf did I just read?" and "wow, this would have made for a much more interesting star wars movie".
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@pydsigner Eh, most of the Sith Academy series is PG-13, with some R and a few things... more than R in a separate page.
The specific story all the quotes in that particular post are from is "Religious Experiences", which is on the more 'adult-in-the-sense-of-juvenile' range, admittedly. Also, there's a shitton of deuterocanon backstory that explains things like who Obi-Wan's siblings, Darth Mary Sue and Ben-Wa Kenobi, are (and introduces their mother, Dartha Stewart), why Darth Maul is (reluctantly) dating Obi-Wan at that point, how Qui-Gon kept pissing off Obi-Wan when they were together but sleeping with Sidious and Mace Windu (both at the same time once, I think), the fact that most of Sidious's family are Jewish Jedi, how Han's sister Gretel decided to become a bounty hunter when she grows up, and why Obi-Wan keeps wearing kilts.
The final story in the series is a complete re-telling of Phantom Menace from Maul's POV, and it makes the movie itself look sick.
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@pydsigner said in Post Your (SFW) Internet Guilty Pleasures Here thread:
The NSFW Internet Guilty Pleasures thread
so, who's going to create it?
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@pydsigner said in Post Your (SFW) Internet Guilty Pleasures Here thread:
@ScholRLEA The NSFW Internet Guilty Pleasures thread is
I saw this in unread and read it as Post your (SJW) Internet Guilty Pleasures Here thread.
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Still bored. Hmmn, "Saga of Tuck", perhaps? Why not, I have already mentioned it and quoted a passage from it in another thread so it works.
"Saga of Tuck" is - after a fashion - the story of three high school teens and their friends.
The first is Eugene, a skinny, mild-mannered computer geek and SF&F fan who is a genius at mathematics but can't quite get English right. He's the favorite target of several school bullies, but usually manages to stay one step out of their reach.
The second is Tuck, a wiry scrapper who practices Parkour and marksmanship, spends his nights engaging in covert ops pranking against troublesome jocks and teachers, hacks the school computer network, gaslights the principal into a nervous breakdown, and once jumped twenty feet down from a flight of stairs to stop a boy who was beating up Eugene's ex-girlfriend.
Finally, you have Valerie, a bisexual fashionista who shows up out of nowhere to turn heads. Despite supposedly living on Long Island, she always seem to be around in this small Ohio town, and never tells anyone where she goes to school.
Three kids you'd never expect to know each other, never mind be the same person.
Eugene Tucker - he prefers to be called Tuck - was already living something of double life when his girlfriend Debbie came up with a brilliant idea for Halloween costumes. When 'Valerie' proves to be a little too believable, and Debbie decides that having her around is the best prank ever, things get increasingly complicated, especially when puberty belatedly arrives with a surprise.
The life a bisexual, genderfluid, intersexed teenager is never easy, but Tuck seems to take in stride most of the time. Well, except for the nightmares, the panic attacks, the nearly fatal beating he gets when several bullies gang up on him... you know, normal teenager stuff like that.
The scary part is that only Ellen knows how much of this is fiction and how much is autobiography. Oh, and when I say 'nearly fatal beating' I don't mean 'bruises and a black eye', I mean 'the EMTs were so busy using the defibrillator on him during the helicopter flight that they failed to notice the tension pneumothorax that was choking him to death until after they reached the ER'.
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I seem to be derptermined to post the entirety of the Sith Academy and Saga of Tuck stories in this thread. Somebody shoot me.
These are from "Dark Side Living with Dartha Stewart", in which the secret of the Sidi-spawn is revealed.
"So, is Sidious still hot in bed? or has age caught up with him?"
"WHAT????? How would I know??? Ew!" Maul exclaimed in disgust. Then he did a double-take. "HOW WOULD YOU KNOW???????" Dartha just chuckled evilly. "He doesn't like girls!"
"I put the lust whammy on him." Dartha shrugged. "I wanted to experience motherhood, and he was the most powerful person with the Force I knew."
"Lust whammy? On Sidious?" Maul pondered this for a moment, then rejected the idea. "I don't believe you."
"I'd whammy you to prove it, but red and black clash with my coloring. You'll just have to take my word for it." She frowned slightly. "You must find it hard to find clothes that don't clash with those... although you seem to favor black. That's probably a good choice..."
"The lust whammy..." Maul thought about this for a moment. "I've only encountered one other person who used that."
"I know," Dartha said, mysteriously.
"Do you know my girlfriend Mary Sue?" Maul asked.
"Does Mary Sue know you tell people she's your girlfriend?" Dartha taunted. Maul shrugged. "She's never mentioned you."
"Well, it's not a formal relationship," Maul admitted. "How do you know Mary Sue?"
"Sidious doesn't tell you much, does he," Dartha observed. Maul shrugged again. "She's our daughter, of course."
Maul was stunned into silence for several seconds. "Damn. The whammy. I should have known," Maul said, realizing why Dartha seemed familiar. Dartha must have taught Mary Sue her moves. "All this power--you can whammy Sidious--and you waste it on--"
"On a comfortable life," Dartha said. "I'm not interested in politics or the military. I don't want to control the galaxy, except to make sure that everyones' homes are accessorized properly. I just want my pool and my dogs and my 68-bedroom house and the unthinking adoration of quintillions. And my merchandising empire." She's Mary Sue's mother, all right, Maul thought.
"So is that it? Your mastery over the Force consists of the lust whammy and the greed whammy and that's all?" Maul asked, a bit scornfully.
"The lust and greed whammies are my specialty, but the living force is strong in my family," Dartha answered serenely. "I have it, my daughter has it... and my sons have it."
"Mary Sue never mentioned any brothers," Maul said.
"Oh, and you're so close that she would have surely told you," Dartha mocked. Maul snarled. Dartha smirked. "Mary Sue was one of triplets. I only wanted a daughter, so I gave the two boys up for adoption. One of them's a singer now, and the other one's a padawan. I wouldn't know them if I saw them, though. Their adopted mother keeps me informed... whether I want to be or not."
Maul suddenly had a very bad feeling about this. "You wouldn't happen to know their names, would you?"
"Of course," Dartha said. "I named them both Ben. I liked the idea of having twin names for twin boys, and demanded that the adoptive parents keep the names. Of course, I hear they have nicknames for both of them..." She sighed at the gaucherie of it all. "But what do you expect from a couple named Maree-Jayn and Shawn-Penn?"
"Dartha," Maul said, casually, starting to feel truly Sithly, "I don't believe you've met my neighbor, Obi-Wan Kenobi."
Dartha's face didn't change, and a normal person wouldn't have noticed a reaction at all, but Obi-Wan, Mary Sue, and Maul were not normal people, and they all noticed a tremor in the Force. Obi-Wan, in fact, started to wonder if he'd done something wrong and looked from Mary Sue to Maul to Dartha and back again.
"Hello, Ben," Dartha said.
Obi-Wan didn't get it.
"Oh, shit!!!" Mary Sue exclaimed. "All those nights with my vibrator thinking of him and he's MY BROTHER? I'm gonna hurl!!!"
"Please," Maul said. "That amount of information is sufficient."
"You're my birth mother?" Obi-Wan asked Dartha. She nodded. "Cool!" He smiled at Mary Sue. "I always wanted a sister."
"I always wanted a brother, too," Mary Sue said. Dartha and Maul both raised an eyebrow in surprise. "Girl toys suck. I always thought that if I had a brother I could steal HIS toys."
"You're not still going on about that supersoaker?" Dartha asked. Mary Sue sulked.
"I have a supersoaker," Obi-Wan volunteered. Unbidden, an innuendo-laden remark about Obi-Wan's supersoaker almost escaped Maul, but he squashed it ruthlessly. "Come over to my house. We'll have a supersoaker war." He beamed sweetly at Maul. "I don't get it. This is great! What's the problem?"
Senator Palpatine appeared on the balcony. "I want an allowance," Mary Sue announced.
Kenobi's eyes got big, and he clapped both hands over his mouth and raced off to the little padawan's room to puke his guts out.
"What the...?" Mary Sue asked.
"He gets it," Maul replied enigmatically.
After a moment, Mary Sue looked accusingly at Palpatine. "You screwed my brother?" Palpatine shrugged. "You horny toad!" she snapped, going to comfort her sibling. It was horny, exploitive bastards that turned her to the Dark Side in the first place, she seethed to herself. Perhaps the three of them could band together and kill Palpatine. Or just blackmail him into bankruptcy.
"My young apprentice is sleeping with two of our three children," Sidious told Dartha, conversationally.
"So?" Dartha asked. She waved her hand at Sidious. "Let's go upstairs."
Mary Sue patted Obi-Wan comfortingly on the back. "Would you rather get sick again right away, or wait?" she asked.
"Tell me now," he groaned.
"I'm screwing your boyfriend," she admitted.
"Qui-Gon?"
"No, silly. Maul."
"You know, if that was the only revelation of the evening--that Maul was sleeping with my hitherto unknown sister--I'd be a little queasy, but as revelations go this evening... what the hell. It's not like we're exclusive or anything... Oh, shit, Qui-Gon is sleeping with Palpatine!" Obi-Wan threw up again. Mary Sue patted him on the shoulder.
Maul stuck his head in and wrinkled his nose. "Plotting murder?" he asked, "or just barfing?"
"I'm plotting murder," Mary Sue said. "He's just barfing."
These are from "Home for the Holidays with Dartha Stewart".
"Maul, be a dear and cook the steaks for us," Sidious said.
"Oh, Maul, that would be SO lovely! having someone do the cooking for ME for a change!" Dartha beamed. Maul snarled.
"Are we the only ones here, my dear?" Sidious asked.
"Yes, the Bens were going to visit their adoptive parents and Mary Sue was going to visit Bill's parents..." Dartha's voice trailed off as they left Maul alone in the kitchen.
Bill? Mary Sue's "wealthy young friend" is BILL? VISIT BILL'S PARENTS? Maul seethed. That drunken fool? What does he have that I don't have? Angrily, he pulled out a pan and slammed it on the stove.
It had a price tag stuck in the middle of the cooking surface.
Curiously, none of the other pans looked used, either. Some of them also had telltale price tags on them. He opened a drawer. It was full of Darthaware tools and utensils still in their bubblewrap. The spice jars had never been opened. The refrigerator was empty except for a neat line of empty Darthaware containers. The only thing in the kitchen that showed signs of use was the microwave--the little numbers had worn off--and the freezer, which was full of Dartha label frozen dinners.
Maul smiled malevolently. He knew Dartha's secret.
Dartha answered the door. "Bill! Mary Sue! I'm delighted! Come in. Happy Life Day!"
Bill was not delighted. In fact, he remembered back to a time about five years ago when he and the lovely hostess had been embroiled in a torrid affair. He'd even paid for a few of her television specials and infomercials. Nevertheless, he couldn't just turn around and leave now without admitting to the love of his life that he'd boinked her mother, so he smiled, tried not to blush, and offered Dartha some covered dishes. Dartha smiled pleasantly, and tried to remember where she had seen him before.
"Happy Life Day. Uhh... I had my chef whip up some vegetarian dishes for dinner," Bill announced.
"They'll make great side dishes," Maul snarled. He revelled in a surge of hatred for Bill.
"Hi, Maul," Mary Sue said mildly, with a twinkle of amusement in her eye. She handed Maul her covered dishes and took Bill's, saying, "I'll just take these into the kitchen."
As soon as they were alone in the kitchen, Maul snarled, "What does he have that I don't have?" He put Bill's covered dishes in the oven and set it to warm.
"Quadrillions of credits?" Mary Sue smirked, putting her covered dishes in the oven as well. Maul tried not to ogle her butt as she bent over in her tight skirt.
"You must be so proud of him," Dartha told Qui-Gon. "Mary Sue was in the Jedi Academy briefly, but she flunked out."
Mary Sue sighed and glared at her plate. Bill looked up curiously, as did Maul and Obi-Wan.
"Indeed?" Qui-Gon asked.
"It was so embarrassing... Master Yoda called her 'fractious' and 'intractable.' Of course, Mary Sue doesn't really finish anything she starts..."
That's what you think, Maul thought. Mary Sue, overhearing him, smirked slightly.
"How about my bachelor's and master's degrees, Mom?" Mary Sue asked sweetly, a hint of menace under the sugar.
"How's your dissertation coming, honey?" Dartha shot back.
"Oh, bite me," Mary Sue muttered. Dartha would have said something, but the wine tipped over onto the tablecloth at that exact moment. Dartha scrambled to clean it up.
"I don't think flunking out is that embarrassing," Ben-Wa offered. "I mean, not everyone is meant to be a Jedi. I think I was just meant to go into entertainment instead." He laughed. "I can't fight for shit."
"There's more to being a Jedi than fighting, Ben-Wa," Qui-Gon said, comfortingly. Maul considered vomiting.
"Yeah, but if no one is willing to be in the same building with you during lightsaber practice for fear of their life..." Ben-Wa laughed again. "Admit it. I sucked."
Like an Electrolux! Obi-Wan thought. Like Master Yoda after a few beers!
"If the Backdoor Bantha Boyz are any indication, you still suck," Maul said.
"Every chance I get," Ben-Wa declared cheerily, not noticing the mortified look on Dartha's face, and the confused look on Bill's face.
"You've got a lot of animal magnetism, Maul," Ben-Wa said. "Have you considered the entertainment business?"
Maul looked over at his neighbor's twin brother. Despite their being identical twins, there was no difficulty in telling the boys apart, Maul pondered, and it wasn't just Ben-Wa's longer hair and trendier clothes. Maul shrugged.
"You should," Ben-Wa said, moving closer. "You have a lot of sex appeal. I bet you could sell lots of records. I'm guessing you're a death metal fan, right?"
"Look, if you're hitting on me, you might as well give up now," Maul said. "You're really not my type, and besides, I'm already sleeping with both your sister and your brother and that kind of creeps me out. I'd really rather not go three for three; thank you, but no thank you. Ew."
"Anything my brother can do I can do better. Except fight, of course; I'm an unmitigated disaster at that. But I have plenty of other skills that kept me in the academy years after I should have flunked out. If you don't believe me, try me." Ben-Wa dropped to his knees in front of Maul with a saucy grin.
Maul's pulse skyrocketed. He swallowed, hard, and tried to think of a good answer. Part of his brain suggested "No," but the rest of his brain pummelled it into silence.
"Worst fighter ever to win an academy tournament!" Ben-Wa said cheerfully, unbuttoning the fly of Maul's jeans. Maul realized the little twit was lust whammying him. Damn. No wonder the talentless twerp sold so many records. "But there's a different kind of lightsaber I'm quite good with..."
The buzzer on the oven went off, jolting Maul out of Ben-Wa's lust whammy. Angrily, he pulled away and removed the pies from the oven.
Don't stop now, Maul, Palpatine's voice rang in Maul's head. I was enjoying that! You were almost three for three!
You wouldn't, Maul thought. Not even YOU are that much of a perv!
Sidious's only answer was an evil chuckle. He then hit Maul with a whammy he couldn't refuse.
I, Maul thought as his brain went snap, am going to KILL Sidious.
-
@ScholRLEA Recommend making it easier on yourself and just doing one post per clip plz.
And better yet, wrap them in
<details>tags too!
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