Shit Crusader Kings say
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Subreddit of the day: https://www.reddit.com/r/ShitCrusaderKingsSay
Crusader Kings is a medieval kingdom simulator. People gather on /r/CrusaderKings to discuss strategies on how to be a medieval emperor. This produces some... interesting conversations.
https://www.reddit.com/r/CrusaderKings/comments/4w9al1/can_anyone_explain_why_my_daughter_is_such_a/
https://www.reddit.com/r/CrusaderKings/comments/3xd2f8/crusader_kings_pickup_lines/cy3lqi6
Anyway, just go to the subreddit, sorted by top posts ever, and start reading down. It's HILARIOUS.
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I fucking love this game. Just played a round with a friend yesterday evening. Gavelkind succesion is the bane of our existance. You build this massive, enormous Kingdom/Empire and in the end it all falls appart because upon your death all your titles are evenly split between all your valid heirs of same rank (in most cases all your legitimate sons produced inside a marriage, or in absence of sons, your daughers if you don't have pure agnatic succession) and everything crashed down burning because power is now split up so much noone can mount an effective defense against outside invaders/ unruly vassals.
The genious part of the game is that from iceland to bangladesh, every ruler, from emperor to little baron, and all their courtiers and families, are each independant NPC's with their own traits and interests that they pursue, creating this illusion of a giant, living and evolving world.
I spent the better part of my evening yesterday with unsuccessful fratricide as neither of my brothers were able to kill me, nor could I kill them, just for my high intrigue daughter to murder all of them, seduce her last remaining cousin, and then murder me. Wasn't even mad because it effectively reunited the realm.
Meanwhile my friend was busy defending against the Mongol hordes burning Europe from the East, while his character had the "Lunatic" trait and would do random bullshit. He too had too many sons and not enaugh royal authority to change the inheritance laws, so when he got the chance to throw the retarded son into a vulcano to appease the old gods from his imagination, he grabed it happily. Let's just say only one son was still alive by the time the father threw himself off the highest tower laughingly.
That son was a slavic pagan, just like his father and all his realm, but as believers of an unorganized religion you have multiple ways to convert to an organized one, of free or unfree will (You can also reform the religion and let some priests write a holy book if you are insanely powerfull, but what ever). He converted to persian Zoroastrianism for the sole reason that that religion allows brother-sister marriage and incest, because back when his son was still an NPC and had his own free will, he banged his genius, beautifull little sister and produced a son so perfect he just HAD to find a way to legitimize him (the son was dilligent, kind, just, brave, patient, genius, attractive; the beauty of the game is that you can see the stats and traits of every character and all their social connections, which is why a lot of people also roleplay their characters and later write AARs about their game)
Fun times indeed. This game is a masterpiece if you know how to get your fun out of it.
Edit: This is my favorite Crusader Kings post ever, abusing bugs and game mechanics to genocide all humans and replace them with sentient horses
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@Quwertzuiopp said in Shit Crusader Kings say:
The genious part of the game is that from iceland to bangladesh, every ruler, from emperor to little baron, and all their courtiers and families, are each independant NPC's with their own traits and interests that they pursue, creating this illusion of a giant, living and evolving world.
The one time I installed this game, I spent like an hour just browsing through various dynasties and family trees, rewinding time back and forth and watching how borders and people changed. Amazing.
Unfortunately, I'm too old and busy now to invest the kind of time and effort this game would require. 10 years ago, I can see how this could have completely taken over my life.
@Quwertzuiopp said in Shit Crusader Kings say:
Edit: This is my favorite Crusader Kings post ever, abusing bugs and game mechanics to genocide all humans and replace them with sentient horses
How do you even become a horse in the game? I don't suppose that is an officially supported option?
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@cartman82 This sounds like Dwarf Fortress.
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Oh wow, Engine is metaphorically punching me to get this game now.
I'm sure it's not only about sex, right?
@cartman82 said in Shit Crusader Kings say:
@Quwertzuiopp said in Shit Crusader Kings say:
Edit: This is my favorite Crusader Kings post ever, abusing bugs and game mechanics to genocide all humans and replace them with sentient horses
How do you even become a horse in the game? I don't suppose that is an officially supported option?
This is relevant to my interests...
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@Tsaukpaetra said in Shit Crusader Kings say:
I'm sure it's not only about sex, right?
Apparently, there's also a lot of murder and genocide too.
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@Tsaukpaetra said in Shit Crusader Kings say:
@cartman82 said in Shit Crusader Kings say:
@Quwertzuiopp said in Shit Crusader Kings say:
Edit: This is my favorite Crusader Kings post ever, abusing bugs and game mechanics to genocide all humans and replace them with sentient horses
How do you even become a horse in the game? I don't suppose that is an officially supported option?
This is relevant to my interests...
http://m.imgur.com/gallery/kzowN
Wow.
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@Tsaukpaetra Friendship is Conquest!
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@Quwertzuiopp said in Shit Crusader Kings say:
Edit: This is my favorite Crusader Kings post ever, abusing bugs and game mechanics to genocide all humans and replace them with sentient horses
Since it’s inevitably going to be asked- any human children you see in this aren’t actually humans, but since there’s no portrait for horse children it defaults to the generic Western European one. If a child’s parents are both horses then they’re definitely a horse too. It does cause problems when you’ve got one horse parent and one western European parent since you can’t tell whether they’re a human or a horse until they hit 16, so to avoid accidentally leaving any humans alive I executed every child with at least one human parent during my final purge.
Holy shit why wasn't this the topic, that's fucking amazing and hilarious.
Apparently it works via the
NeroCaligula principle, a leader goes insane and assigns a horse to a high office, then you can trick the game engine into making the horse marry and have children who have 50% chance to also be a horse. Keep the lineage going and bam, horse-world.
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@blakeyrat said in Shit Crusader Kings say:
Holy shit why wasn't this the topic, that's fucking amazing and hilarious.
Oh right, you're a closet bronie. Figures.
It is funny, though.
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"You there, young page. Fetch us the olive oil, then avert your eyes. The meeting of the council is upon us, and 'tis about to get weird."
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Here's the complete step-by-step:
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@cartman82 said in Shit Crusader Kings say:
@blakeyrat said in Shit Crusader Kings say:
Holy shit why wasn't this the topic, that's fucking amazing and hilarious.
Oh right, you're a closet bronie. Figures.
It is funny, though.
Closet? I thought it was common knowledge?
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@Polygeekery Yes, but Word of Blakey doesn't realize that part yet. Sort of like if you come out to your parents only to find that they have been secretly arranging dates for you on Grindr.
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@ScholRLEA Just to forestall the question, no, I have no idea how someone could do that without the person getting hooked up knowing. I just know that if it can be done, there are parents out there who would do it.
Still not as embarrassing as the time my father tried to arrange a session with a professional dominatrix for me - despite knowing that I wasn't particularly interested in kink - only for her to get pissed off at me when he told her he wanted to pay for it in trade.
Did I mention that one of the reasons I had been so hesitant to explore my gender issues in the past was because I was pretty sure that if I transitioned, he'd have decided I was fair game? Neither I nor my brother were entirely convinced he'd have kept his paws off of my nieces when they reach puberty, either.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder is one hell of a drug.
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@Yamikuronue Epic
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@Polygeekery said in Shit Crusader Kings say:
Closet? I thought it was common knowledge?
I haven't seen even all of season 2, much less anything newer.
I liked the cartoon when I first watched it, and basically haven't revisited it at all. If that's what qualifies as "brony", shrug.
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@blakeyrat team Edward or team Jacob?
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@bb36e said in Shit Crusader Kings say:
@blakeyrat team Edward or team Jacob?
@bb36e said in Shit Crusader Kings say:
@blakeyrat team Edward or team Jacob?
Team Fuck You And Your Pheromone-Based Relationships!
....
Oh wow, sorry about the language there...
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@Tsaukpaetra woah double quote
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@bb36e NFC how that happened. Double post due to cooties, sure, but double quote? Impossibru!
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@bb36e said in Shit Crusader Kings say:
@blakeyrat team Edward or team Jacob?
For him, the answer is "Yes".
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@ScholRLEA you could write a book about this stuff