Jokes Jokes Jokes
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Two muffins are in an oven.
One muffin turns to the other.
"Hot in here, isn't it?"
The other replies:
"IEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! A TALKING MUFFIN!"
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The bad jokes thread is that way
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@accalia Don't we have a Bad Jokes topic for that?
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If i have a tiny green ball in one hand, and a tiny green ball in the other hand... what do i have?
The undivided attention of a leprechaun.
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@RaceProUK oh come on! that's not a bad joke!
:harumph:
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@accalia
Maybe it wouldn't be that bad after a full bottle of wine.
Just maybe
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@accalia I even saw it, but only with one eye
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@TimeBandit Did you hear about the man who had the whole left side of his body cut off?
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@accalia I only heard half of that story
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@TimeBandit He's all right now.
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@accalia I don't get it, you must have left off the punch line.
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@NedFodder How many teenagers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only two, but you need a big enough lightbulb for them to both fit inside.
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Skype for Business.
also, every other PBX system ever.
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@izzion that's not a joke. that's a drinking game.
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@accalia How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but he's going to charge you $500 an hour with a 3 hour minimum charge, plus incidentals and expenses.
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@accalia How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
Only one, but the lightbulb must be willing to change.
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@TimeBandit How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb.
No one knows. we've never seen them do any work!
/me flees the impending flamewar
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@accalia How many lightbulbs does it take to change a politician?
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How many octopi does it take to change a lightbulb?
1/8
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@accalia It's one of those "bitter laughter" things.
"How 'bout that fucking broken piece of shit we have to use? Man, what a turd hahahahahaaaaaiiiii want to die..."
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If you have nuts on a wall, what do you have? - Walnuts
If you have nuts on your chest, what do you have? - Chestnuts
If you have nuts on your chin, what do you have?...
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What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft?
A flat minor.
What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.
What do you get when you drop a piano on the pentagon.
Vanished in mysterious circumstances.
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What do you get when you drop a piano on a road sign?
A flat seventh.
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How can you tell if a violist is playing out of tune?
The bow is moving.
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@antiquarian What's the difference between a dead horse and a broken drum?
You can't beat the broken drum.
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A guide to the sexualities.
Heterosexual: "Fuck That!"
Homosexual: "Fuck This!"
Bisexual: "Fuck This and That!"
Pansexual: "Fuck Everything!"
Demisexual: "I'd rather bake cookies and then cuddle in front of a romantic movie."
Asexual: "FUCK NO!"With apologies to anyone who identifies as any of the listed sexualities and thinks the description inaccurate or unflattering.
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@accalia you forgot
Autosexual: "Fuck me!"
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What's ten inches long and makes her cry when I stuff it in her mouth?
<spoiler>Her miscarriage.</spoiler>
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@Bort beiung sorry for something and apologizing for something are othogonal.
how many times have we seen corporate executives, politicians, and bankers apologizing for corporate greed, sticking their dingdong in the intern, embezzling when they clearly are not sorry that they did it (only that they got caught doing it)?
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What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear Sir or Madam, due to repeated copyright violations from your IP address...
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@Polygeekery :ROFL:
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@accalia That reminds me of this show, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PVZSAeUbX1Q, where all non-tear bodily fluids are replaced with glowyrainbowjuice.
Wow, it really broke this post bad!
@accalia That reminds me of this show, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PVZSAeUbX1Q, where all non-tear bodily fluids are replaced with glowyrainbowjuice.
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@Maciejasjmj Sometimes they don't feel like using Katakana in Japan, but they do love English.
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Grandpa is on the porch, seated in his favorite rocker, rocking gently with his eyes closed as his granddaughter plays at the top of the steps nearby. Suddenly his lips stretch into a wide grin, as he continues to rock, eyes closed.
His little granddaughter notices the grin and asks, loudly, "Grandpa, are you entertaining those evil thoughts again?"
"No," he replied slowly and softly, still grinning, "I'm letting them entertain me."
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How can you tell if someone's carrying a concealed weapon?
Don't worry, they'll tell you.
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@accalia said in Jokes Jokes Jokes:
Demisexual: "I'd rather bake cookies and then cuddle in front of a romantic movie."
*Adds to proposed profile edits*
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@antiquarian A much-misliked orchestra conductor was found brutally murdered. An autopsy revealed that the cause of death was a blow from a dull instrument.
So they arrested the violist.
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Necro!
A Holocaust survivor dies of old age and goes to Heaven. He tells God a Holocaust joke. God says, "That's not funny." The Holocaust survivor says, "I guess you had to be there."
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@lolwhat the irony of course of talking about “necro” with a joke about the opposite of necro, because someone isn’t coming back to life.
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@Tsaukpaetra said in Jokes Jokes Jokes:
@accalia said in Jokes Jokes Jokes:
Demisexual: "I'd rather bake cookies and then cuddle in front of a romantic movie."
*Adds to proposed profile edits*
*wistful kyon*
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