The Official Funny Stuff Thread™

Atlanta
Pros: access to megachurches, pro & college sports, unlimited willingness to whore itself out
Cons: lack of building space due to 50 new taxpayer sports stadiums
Odds: 4-1

Austin
Pros: access to beards, Barvarian-Korean taco trucks, insipid singer-songwriters
Cons: Elderly Maoist city council will vote to nationalize Amazon for the proletariat
Odds: 4-1

Boston
Pros: major universities, Bellichek, the beautiful melliflouous Boston accent
Cons: major university grads can neither drive or lift more than 40 pounds
Odds: 10-1

Chicago
Pros: beautiful mid September to late mid September weather, deathbed-level desperation
Cons: Building costs 5x national average due to bribery and kevlar
Odds: 20-1

Columbus OH
Pros: The Excitement City of central Ohio; chance to meet Big Nut and dot the "i" at the Horseshoe
Cons: Will have to change name to Aazon
Odds: 40-1

Dallas
Pros: central location, palatial high school football stadiums, most Chili's and Applebee's per capita in the world
Cons: local oil family dynasties full of conniving murderers
Odds: 19-1

Denver
Pros: microbrews, weed, snow sports
Cons: drunk/high employees keep smashing into trees
Odds: 30-1

Indianapolis
Pros: chance to watch high school basketball and cars go round and round
Cons: Overshadowed by Indiana's glamour city, Fort Wayne
Odds: 50-1

Los Angeles
Pros: weather, chic Hollywood celebrity rapists, vibrant hordes of roving schizophrenic garbage pickers
Cons: eventual apocalyptic destruction by wrathful biblical god
Odds 100-1

Miami
Pros: U of Miami's prestigious School of Tanning, exciting nightlife with lummoxes from New Jersey in rental Lambos
Cons: 87% of Floridians die from humorous causes
Odds 100-1

Montgomery County MD
Pros: chance to share cul-de-sac with Assistant Undersecretary for Mohair Price Supports
Cons: If DC is Hollywood For Ugly People, this is Encino For Ugly People
Odds: 250-1

Newark
Pros: tax package includes 3 free murders per employee clause; Chris Christie now available for motivational speeches
Cons: for God’s sake I only have 280 characters here
Odds: 200-1

Nashville
Pros: bargain basement Austin
Cons: lured by the bright lights of Music City, Amazon tragically dies face down in the back seat of a Cadillac, clutching a gun and bottle of whiskey in a rhinestone suit
Odds: 20-1

New York
Pros: Spider-Man the Musical, go-getting Stalinist mayor willing to kill any groundhogs or illegal cigarette vendors in Amazon’s way
Cons: lack of affordable heating grates
Odds: 40-1

Northern Virginia
Pros: friendly neighborhoods of CIA spooks always willing to lend you cyanide or strangling wire
Cons: no market for Alexa as all homes are already bugged
Odds: 20-1

Philadelphia
Pros: birthplace of American government, American Bandstand, city of brotherly love
Cons: constant contusions from battery-laced snowballs thrown by angry drunks
Odds: 25-1

Pittsburgh
Pros: access to Carnegie-Mellon’s secret Invincible Self-Aware Flying Deathbot laboratory
Cons: Amazon engineers begin moonlighting as flash dancers
Odds: 15-1

Raleigh
Pros: cheap smokes, moonshine, nearby universities with topnotch douchebag basketball programs
Cons: Folksy local sheriff won't fire nervous trigger-happy deputy
Odds: 20-1

Toronto
Pros: Tim Horton's, poutine, 10% longer football fields, constant entertainment from Prime Minister Zoolander
Cons: lack of professional hockey team
Odds: 12-1

Washington DC
Pros: vast hordes of slimy corrupt weasels willing to use the power of the state to crush any obstacles to Amazon's corporate mission
Cons: for a $500 campaign donation
Odds: 10-1

ScholRLEA

Re-reading the first chapter of "Tales of MU" - - not sure why, it reall yisn't my thing, but whatev' - and thought I would post a few things I found amusing.

I was going to put this in the "SFW Guilty Pleasures" thread, but let's face it, I made a lie out of the SFW part enough already. Suffice it to say, very little of that series isn't NSFW.

Hi, Roomie!

I trailed down the hallway past 411, 413, and 415. The door that had to belong to room 417 was open. A short, kind of pudgy girl with curly red-blonde hair was leaning against the door frame, holding a yellowish bottle that looked like some kind of white wine. I figured it had to be grape juice or pear nectar or something, or else she wouldn’t have it out in the open.

“Hey, I’m Mackenzie… you must be Ceridwyn,” I said. I’d been given the name of my roommate over the summer, as well as some get-acquainted contact information that I’d never got around to using. Working all summer long for the first time in my life had kind of kicked my ass, and sapped my motivation to do anything else.

“Nope,” she said. She took a swig from the bottle. “Puddy.”

“Oh,” I said. “Are you a friend of…”

“No, I’m her,” she said. “But nobody calls me Ceridwyn. Even my mom calls me Puddy.”

“Okay,” I said. “Nice to meet you… Puddy.” I could see now that the bottle she was drinking from was exactly what it had looked like: a bottle of chardonnay. “Um, are you sure you should be drinking that out in the hall?”

“It’s cool,” she said. “I’ve got a racial exemption. My great-great-great-great-grandmother’s a dwarf. I’ve been able to drink legally since I was twelve.”

“I think most people would claim fully human ancestry if they had to go that far back,” I said honestly. I didn’t add that I certainly would have.

“Most of my family does,” Puddy said, shrugging. “Some of them were pretty pissed when I went and looked great-great-great-great-gran up. But shit, I can drink, can’t I? And I wouldn’t have got into Harlowe Hall without it.”

“I get the feeling some people don’t think that’s anything to be proud of.”

“Who the fuck cares about pride?” she said. “This is where the crazy shit happens. This is the place to be. Anyway, what’s your deal?”

Racial Profiling

“My deal?”

“What are you?” she asked. “You don’t get put in Harlowe unless you’re a demi, semi, or hemi-human… so what are you?”

“Hemi-human?” I asked, mainly to avoid answering the question. “Demihumans“, of course was what humans called other intelligent races, beings that they could interbreed with. “Semihumans” was a fairly common term for the descendants of those unions, like half-elves… or like Puddy, apparently. “Hemihuman“, though, was a completely new one to me.

“You know, like centaurs and shit,” she said. “Or mermaids. Human in the northern hemisphere, something else in the southern.”

“Hey, you brought a fridge?” I asked, looking past her into the room to find a new topic. There was a standard dorm-sized fridge with a dinky little food warmer attached to the top.

“Rented it from the school,” she said. “I’d say you’re welcome to use it, but… it’s kind of full of pudding pops.” She sounded apologetic. “The only thing I eat.”

Internal Diversity

Have you declared a major?”

“Applied enchantments,” I said. “I’m thinking of minoring in history… I was going to major in it, but there’s not really a career in it unless you want to teach. You?”

“I’m pretty much going to study whatever the hell catches my eye and fuck getting a career in it,” Puddy said. “Whatever happened to knowledge for its own sake? When did getting a job become the ultimate point of getting an education?”

“That would be around the time you took out a loan to get the education,” I said.

“You kidding? I got so many grants and scholarships… I mean, my grades were for shit but I test well, and on top of the dwarf thing, I’ve got sidhe blood, and giant blood, a tiny little bit of dragon blood, and I’m one-sixteenth nymph,” Puddy said proudly. “They give scholarships for all that shit now.”

“Giant blood?” I said, skeptically. I stand around five foot four. Puddy looked to be at least six inches shorter than me.

“Well, the dwarf side’s more dominant,” she said defensively.

“Sure it is,” I said with a grin.

“That’s my story, anyway,” she said.

Clang clang clang goes the....

“What exactly are you doing?”

“Just getting a look at our neighbors, you know, and checkin’ out the talent,” she said. “I think a hot sylph was checking me out, too. I’m going to find her later and see if she wants to clang clitties.”

“You’re a lesbian?” I asked. My eyes suddenly went to the posters of scantily clad elfmaids on her side of the room. I hadn’t really processed them before, but they were definitely pin-ups.

“Totally,” she said. “Well, every once in a while my nymphish side makes me bounce up and down on a cock, but other than that, totally. That’s not a problem for you, is it? I mean, you’re not like a huge Khersian, or anything?”

“No, I haven’t been inside a temple for years,” I said, which was true. “Just kind of threw me. I’m from a pretty small town, there’s not a lot of lesbians there.”

“Tell me about it,” Puddy said. “I was the only one at my school. Only place I ever got it on was at summer camp… doctrinal summer camp, if you can believe it. That’s why I’m so stoked to be here, at a real university, in a dorm full of other girls… some of whom are bound to be queer. Or at least, curious enough to just need a gentle nudge…”

“Like, ‘wanna clang clitties?'” I asked, holding back a grin.

“Hey, that pick up line’s practically magic,” Puddy said. “It’s how I got hooked. Watch this,” she said as a pair of curly-haired girls, both in rather conservatively cut dresses and neither of them taller than a yard stick, came abreast of the door. “Hey! Either of you wanna clang clitties?”

The girls… who I figured had to be burrow gnomes, fresh from the shire… turned scarlet. One of them dropped the bag she was carrying, spilling out a notepad and a big fat textbook. The other ran out of sight as fast as her legs would take her. The one who’d dropped her things scrambled to pick them up before dashing off… her legs got a little bit ahead of her and she nearly tripped over her own pack as she was still hoisting it back up.

“I think your magic needs work,” I said dryly.

“You watch,” Puddy said “I guarantee I’ll have at least one of them eating out of my hand before the semester’s over. Well, not my hand, exactly..."

On your knees!

I knelt on the pavement so I could get closer to the source of the magic. Like I said, I didn’t really know what I was doing. I was just kind of feeling my way. I tweaked my probe a bit… in my head, I was “poking” the spell at different angles… and found a whole mass of protection, warding, and detection spells all tied together. If something broke the defenses, or if one of the detection spells went off, the soft golden-white glow would switch off and a hidden red glow would come on. There were a whole bunch of other spells that would trigger, too, but there was no way I could sort them all out at a glance.

It was high level magic, and it was exciting. Like I said, this was my chosen field. I’m kind of a geek about these things. I wondered if all the sidewalks were so heavily bespelled, or if it was just the ones around the pent. If the whole campus was sectioned off like this, I reasoned, then it was hard to imagine how it could get as dangerous at night as everybody said.

Thinking that made me realize just how much darker it had got while I was messing around on my hands and knees, which also brought me back to awareness of my surroundings. I looked up from the sidewalk and found myself staring at several pairs of legs. I suddenly felt very sheepish. I looked up some more, and felt just plain worthless.

Four girls were staring at me with looks of mingled pity and hilarity. The lead one had very dark copper skin, and long red-brown hair in braids that were wrapped in two elaborate buns on her head, secured with picks between a pair of fox’s ears. I could see the brush of a tail poking out from under her skirt when it swayed back and forth behind her. Though the rest of her was the picture of dignified stillness with her hands on her hips, the tail looked like it was shaking with barely contained laughter. The three cat-eared girls behind her weren’t even trying to contain it… they were giggling in turns, as though one of them laughing set off the next one.

They were armed, of course. Each of the cats had the handle of a curving sword visible over her shoulder, and the fox woman had a poniard with an elaborate ivory sheath and a handle almost the length of its blade on a sash around her waist. It was both tiny and beautiful… it made my knife look like a bastard sword, in more ways than one. The weapons, though, were the least threatening things about them.

Each of the girls was slender without being skinny, and curved in all the places I was supposed to be. The supernatural glow showed off the perfection of their faces and made the fox eyes shine black, and the cat eyes luminous. The cats were actually covered with a fine fuzz of pale fur, but the fox woman was only furry around the ears and tail. Her face was as vulpine as a face can be and still look human. She was smiling. I don’t know if it was meant to be as sadistic as it looked, or if that was only because it showed off her teeth.

“Oh, please, you don’t have to bow,” she said with a bored air. “Next time, you may simply curtsy.”

Misuse of doughnut, five yard penalty

Puddy wasted no time in grabbing a pair of white doughnuts with pink icing on the top, tucking her remaining two pudding pops (she’d eaten one on the way down the stairs) under her arm. She hadn’t bothered to get a plate.”So, you don’t really eat nothing but pudding pops,” I said, feeling kind of dumb that I’d believed this rather obvious exaggeration.

“What, these?” Puddy asked. “These aren’t for eating. They’re… visual aids.”

“What do you mean?” I asked, but she was already demonstrating.

“Hey, fishy!” she yelled across the room at Feejee, holding up the doughnuts and grinding the pink frosted sides together at a slight angle to each other. “You and me, huh? How ’bout it?“

bummer

I looked at my doughnut. I’d only taken a few tiny little bites, but I didn’t feel like eating any more.

“You want this?” I asked Puddy.

“Is it a pudding pop?” she asked.

“Right,” I said. “I’ll go throw it away, then. You want me to take yours?”

“You can have this one,” she said, handing me one of the pink iced doughnuts. “I think I’ll hold on to this one. It’s kind of fun.”

She licked around the bottom edge of the hole, very lightly, so her tongue touched it but didn’t actually disturb the frosting. I wasn’t sure if that was for subtle effect, or because she took the “only pudding pops” rule that seriously.

“You’re disgusting,” I said, with more force than I felt it. It really didn’t bother me, but I was a little pissed and she didn’t need any encouragement.

“No, this is disgusting,” she said, flipping it over and repeating the gesture with more enthusiasm on the back side of the doughnut. It took me about twenty seconds to catch on, by which time she’d jammed her tongue through the hole and was pressing the doughnut against her face so hard it was starting to break up.

“That’s really disgusting!” I said. “People don’t do that! Do they?”

“You really are a sheltered creature, aren’t you?” Puddy said.

bb36e

@boomzilla

Twitter.com
(1/21)

obeselymorbid

Luhmann

@boomzilla said in The Official Funny Stuff Thread™:

eventual apocalyptic destruction by wrathful biblical god

No, you have that wrong Mother Nature will flush it all away into Arizona bay.

Jaloopa

dkf

@boomzilla said in The Official Funny Stuff Thread™:

exciting nightlife with lummoxes from New Jersey in rental Lambos

I approve of this word in this context.

Polygeekery

https://twitter.com/kplummy/status/952391939453792256

ScholRLEA

I have mentioned my "boilerplate reply to cheaters on webfora" file here before, but really want to draw attention to two of the links in that post again. They are two of my favorite examples of a help vampire trying to cheat on their homework and getting nailed, hard. (INB4: )

Redirecting to Google Groups

TL;DR: Idiot #1 asks for answers to obvious homework questions, and gets back obviously wrong answers. Idiot #1 fails a spot check and gets the grade he deserved.

Idiot #1:

Hey shit-for-brains
What the hell were you thinking here? None of these goddam answers are right. Why did you post if you don't know a goddam thing about the subject? It's also incredible that noone else noticed the mistakes and corrected them.

Amused Bystander:

He, and we, noticed that this looked an awful lot like homework, and gave you appropriate answers. One hopes you got an appropriate grade. Good luck with your next assignment!

http://forums.devshed.com/programming-42/please-help-assigment-please-urgent-561280.html

TL;DR Idiot #2 posts a professor's questions unaltered to a forum under another student's name, apparently not realizing that the professor knows how to use Google.

Professor:

Hi, I'm the lecturer. Thanks for the approach you took in responding.

By the time they get to this assignment they are supposed to have a full semester of C and 2 of Java and be working concurrently on advanced C programming. As you would have noted:

I practically gave pseudo-code for a substantial part of the assignment

What I left out was the locations of the semaphores to control access to the critical regions -- that's the point of the assignment, after all

I also provided a set of wrapper functions for the Solaris semaphore and shared memory functions designed to hide some of the ugly details

I don't believe it was unreasonable, particularly since they had the specification since 27 August for an assignment due 12 October. And it was the second assignment in the subject. The first was a "plumbing" exercise.

I am a bit annoyed to see my copyrighted material posted in a public forum, though.

Classmate:

As Don has mentioned, there is only ONE Anthony in this course and that would be me.

A friend of mine drew my attention to this thread and i could not let this pass.

I would appreciate it if you could forward his email address on to me so we could have a nice friendly chat. (I can understand if you cant either....but this IS a public forum)

I would have to say though: Using a name that is not your own to post on forums is all good and well, many people do it all the time. BUT bring my name into disrepute and i will have your balls on a platter.

How very gutless of you.

Polygeekery

https://twitter.com/reallyhoffman/status/954892295047917568

Polygeekery

ScholRLEA

@luhmann said in The Official Funny Stuff Thread™:

@boomzilla said in The Official Funny Stuff Thread™:

eventual apocalyptic destruction by wrathful biblical god

No, you have that wrong Mother Nature will flush it all away into Arizona bay.

But will they take Maynard's advice about aquatic locomotion lessons?

Polygeekery

Luhmann

@scholrlea
It is sane advice. It is a nice skill to have, a great way to exercise and destress but I don't think I would want to do it in the place where all that shit just got flushed into.