i.Con Smart Condom
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"Anonymously."
Of course it will be.
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it’s a ring that will sit over a condom at the base, which you can use over and over again.
Use what over and over again? The ring, the condom, the base of my penis?
i.Cons energy efficiency is incredible, so each charge will last approximately 6-8 hours worth of ‘live’ usage
Aw, too bad it's useless for me. Perhaps I could keep it on the charger?
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@PJH About 5 seconds after landing on the page, this pops up
Missing option: You didn't even let me enough time you fuckin idiot !
File Under: I'll just select "Problems with the website". Close enough.
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@Maciejasjmj
You just need to git gud, make it so that your cock is a wireless power source for all electronic devices.
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This is the most stupid thing I've seen the whole week. But I want this to get popular. Imagine what will happen if they get hacked and the whole usage database gets uploaded to some public place, and someone finds out their boyfriend's iCon gets used far more often than they have sex...
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@Gąska Or people being shamed because their session only last 2 minutes
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@Gąska said in i.Con Smart Condom:
This is the most stupid thing I've seen the whole week. But I want this to get popular. Imagine what will happen if they get hacked and the whole usage database gets uploaded to some public place, and someone finds out their boyfriend's iCon gets used far more often than they have sex...
Well obviously you use a different iCon with your mistress...
Speaking of which, if you don't are you at risk of spreading diseases with this?
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@Maciejasjmj said in i.Con Smart Condom:
it’s a ring that will sit over a condom at the base, which you can use over and over again.
Use what over and over again? The ring, the condom, the base of my penis?
Looks to be like it isn't a smart condom at all, but a smart cock ring.
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@dangeRuss said in i.Con Smart Condom:
@Gąska said in i.Con Smart Condom:
This is the most stupid thing I've seen the whole week. But I want this to get popular. Imagine what will happen if they get hacked and the whole usage database gets uploaded to some public place, and someone finds out their boyfriend's iCon gets used far more often than they have sex...
Well obviously you use a different iCon with your mistress...
People buying iCon aren't smart enough to figure that out...
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@Maciejasjmj said in i.Con Smart Condom:
Perhaps I could keep it on the charger?
WTF is that it's not charged by movement while being used
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@dangeRuss said in i.Con Smart Condom:
Speaking of which, if you don't are you at risk of spreading diseases with this?
I wouldn't doubt it, especially since you probably can't boil this piece of garbage like you can just about everything else that gets near your junk. But from what I hear knowingly spreading AIDS is the hot new trick, so go nuts
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@bugmenot The one weird trick the doctors don't want you to find out?
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@bugmenot said in i.Con Smart Condom:
you probably can't boil this piece of garbage like you can just about everything else that gets near your junk
Boil? Seriously? They make cleaners you know.
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@Yamikuronue said in i.Con Smart Condom:
Boil? Seriously? They make cleaners you know.
Silicon toys can be boiled and it doesn't cost anything.
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@heterodox Except a ridiculous amount of time. I rinse mine off and then spray with cleaner to sterilize. Takes less than five minutes. I couldn't even boil water in my kettle that fast.
Though apparently my husband boils our toys periodically just to be extra safe, so TIL.
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@Yamikuronue said in i.Con Smart Condom:
@heterodox Except a ridiculous amount of time.
Toss it in a pot and wander off. shrug
Though apparently my husband boils our toys periodically just to be extra safe, so TIL.
Hey, peace of mind is everything when it comes to "intimacies", so.
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@heterodox said in i.Con Smart Condom:
Silicon toys
Aaaaaaaaahhh!!!1!1111!!!!
Toys are silicone. Chips are silicon (no e).
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@dkf said in i.Con Smart Condom:
@Yamikuronue said in i.Con Smart Condom:
They make cleaners you know.
You mean like maids?
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Sooo...No where can I see what the things made of, so you possibly CAN'T boil it. I mean, if it's not made out of a safe material, I wouldn't want it by my junk anyway.
Also, the 'metrics' that it measures are...really weird. Why would I want the average velocity of my thrusts?
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@Yamikuronue said in i.Con Smart Condom:
Though apparently my husband boils our toys periodically just to be extra safe, so TIL.
He does that after he uses them on hookers.
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@cloak15 said in i.Con Smart Condom:
Why would I want the average velocity of my thrusts
So you can compare them to an unladen swallow, of course ;)
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@HardwareGeek said in i.Con Smart Condom:
@heterodox said in i.Con Smart Condom:
Silicon toys
Aaaaaaaaahhh!!!1!1111!!!!
Toys are silicone. Chips are silicon (no e).
Yay!! I have more shit to annoy @HardwareGeek with!
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@Polygeekery said in i.Con Smart Condom:
@Yamikuronue said in i.Con Smart Condom:
Though apparently my husband boils our toys periodically just to be extra safe, so TIL.
He does that after he uses them on hookers.
Trans hookers or the regular sort?
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@Yamikuronue said in i.Con Smart Condom:
@Polygeekery said in i.Con Smart Condom:
@Yamikuronue said in i.Con Smart Condom:
Though apparently my husband boils our toys periodically just to be extra safe, so TIL.
He does that after he uses them on hookers.
Trans hookers or the regular sort?
Yes.
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@Yamikuronue he is working his way through the list:
https://ageofshitlords.com/list-of-all-tumblr-genders-so-far/
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Have you ever wondered how many calories you’re burning during intercourse? How many thrusts? Speed of your thrusts? The duration of your sessions? Frequency? How many different positions you use in the period of a week, month or year? Ever wondered how you stack up to other people from around the world?
I seriously doubt that it is sensitive enough to really discern different positions. It might be able to give you statistics on -- versus | positions, but that is about it.
37.2% of the time your cock is horizontal during sex, 62.8% of the time your cock is vertical. You are making your partner do most of the work, maybe try the wheelbarrow position next time?
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@Yamikuronue said in i.Con Smart Condom:
@cloak15 said in i.Con Smart Condom:
Why would I want the average velocity of my thrusts
So you can compare them to an unladen swallow, of course ;)
If the swallow is unladen, then what is she swallowing?
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That seems like a lot more work than I'd wanna put into it. Besides, people get weirded out when you ask them Survey questions
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@cloak15 said in i.Con Smart Condom:
Why would I want the average velocity of my thrusts?
Unless you are having sex in a moving vehicle of some sort, one does not need an I.Con to determine that. The average velocity is going to be pretty nearly zero; your location will be the same as it was when you started. Your average speed, on the other hand, is potentially meaningful information — useless and stupid, perhaps, but not guaranteed to be zero.
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@HardwareGeek said in i.Con Smart Condom:
@cloak15 said in i.Con Smart Condom:
Why would I want the average velocity of my thrusts?
Unless you are having sex in a moving vehicle of some sort, one does not need an I.Con to determine that. The average velocity is going to be pretty nearly zero; your location will be the same as it was when you started. Your average speed, on the other hand, is potentially meaningful information — useless and stupid, perhaps, but not guaranteed to be zero.
According to them:
i.Con will record:- Calories burnt during sexual intercourse
- Speed of thrusts
- Total number of thrusts
- Frequency of sessions
- Total duration of sessions
- Average velocity of thrusts
- Girth measurement
- Different positions used (currently BETA testing – will have more info in a release coming soon)
- Average skin temperature
Some stand outs are Girth Measurement (I mean, can't you just get a tape measure) and the beta testing for Positions used. While I have no doubt that this will be ass, I really do wonder how you beta test that. You'd need a pretty good range of people to test out your Weird Dick Metric Collector (TM) to have anything approaching accurate, and that doesn't nearly keep up with the amount of sex positions invented on a monthly basis.
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@izzion said in i.Con Smart Condom:
@Maciejasjmj
You just need to git gud, make it so that your cock is a wireless power source for all electronic devices.Lamest superpower ever.
"Oh no! My battery is flat, and this man is dying! Someone call 911"
"Worry not, woman, for I am... THE ELECTRIC COCK MAN!"
*whips out penis*
"..."
"..."
"..."
"...yeah,you're on USB 2.0. This will take a while."
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.https://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2010/11/29/ [sorta nsfw-ish]
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@HardwareGeek said in i.Con Smart Condom:
The average velocity is going to be pretty nearly zero; your location will be the same as it was when you started.
I think you're using the wrong definition of thrust and including withdrawal in there.
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@Maciejasjmj
"I could probably charge your phone faster if you would show me your boobs."
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@boomzilla said in i.Con Smart Condom:
and including withdrawal in there.
Well you can't just... stay there.
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@HardwareGeek said in i.Con Smart Condom:
your location will be the same as it was when you started
Look up "bulldozer" on Urban Dictionary...
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@Yamikuronue said in i.Con Smart Condom:
Takes less than five minutes. I couldn't even boil water in my kettle that fast.
American kettles are TR
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@Yamikuronue said in i.Con Smart Condom:
@heterodox Except a ridiculous amount of time. I rinse mine off and then spray with cleaner to sterilize. Takes less than five minutes. I couldn't even boil water in my kettle that fast.
Though apparently my husband boils our toys periodically just to be extra safe, so TIL.
Well, to be totally certain you'd need to nuke it from orbit.
... wait, got the wrong kind of organism, I mistook macro-organisms for micro-organisms.
Well, for the latter ones you want an autoclave (a pressure cooker will do in a pinch). That one will definitely kill anything and everything.
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@cloak15 said in i.Con Smart Condom:
That seems like a lot more work than I'd wanna put into it. Besides, people get weirded out when you ask them Survey questions
Ask away!
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@cloak15 said in i.Con Smart Condom:
the beta testing for Positions used. While I have no doubt that this will be ass
I don't see why it would matter where you stick your di...
This wasn't about that, was it?
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@Rhywden said in i.Con Smart Condom:
@Yamikuronue said in i.Con Smart Condom:
@heterodox Except a ridiculous amount of time. I rinse mine off and then spray with cleaner to sterilize. Takes less than five minutes. I couldn't even boil water in my kettle that fast.
Though apparently my husband boils our toys periodically just to be extra safe, so TIL.
Well, to be totally certain you'd need to nuke it from orbit.
... wait, got the wrong kind of organism, I mistook macro-organisms for micro-organisms.
Well, for the latter ones you want an autoclave (a pressure cooker will do in a pinch). That one will definitely kill anything and everything.
Even tardigrade?
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@Polygeekery High pressure and heat? Definitely. Surviving a vacuum is a very different thing to an environment that denaturizes proteins.
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Have you ever wondered how many calories you’re burning during intercourse?
No.
How many thrusts?
No.
Speed of your thrusts?
No.
The duration of your sessions?
No.
Frequency?
No.
How many different positions you use in the period of a week, month or year?
No.
Ever wondered how you stack up to other people from around the world?
No.
Welcome to the future of wearable technology in the bedroom. Welcome to i.Con.
Fuck off.
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@flabdablet said in i.Con Smart Condom:
Fuck off.
I think they'd prefer to fuck on.
Get it? Because they want you to put their device on your penis?
Bah. Tough crowd today.
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@PJH wait, i.Con? So they're admitting it's a con?
And a pretty short con, come to think of it.
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Hopefully it will be compatible with Strava shortly